I'm kinda blanking on the details following this little episode. I was in kind of a fog for a while, in shock at my own reaction. If I remember correctly we “made up” by the end of the day. He apologized for the impression he gave about woman, trying to lighten the mood and move on. I was grateful, but still more focused on the horror that I had brought it up in the first place, unable to control myself... What if this happened again? What if my subconscious need to be heard, to be understood overtakes my ability to keep my mouth shut in order to keep the peace?... I would lose a friend... someone I really truly was starting to care about. But it was a superficial “making up.” He was distant from me after that an didn't know what I was supposed to do?... I'd lost him. If not completely at that moment it would be soon coming if his attitude and silence persisted.
Maybe three days later something else happened. With my job this time. Resulting in boss's faith in me wavering and my trust in her failing from that point on. I watched her wearily, living in day to day fear that I would lose my job as her random, wild mood swings continued.
If I lost my job with nothing else lined up what would I do? How would I pay my bills? Who knows how long it would take to find another family to nanny for? I had no other skills though I had been wanting to go back to school for years off and on. But, every time I brought it up to Mom she'd talk me out of it. “You don't test well.” “You have test anxiety.” “You have learning disabilities.” “You haven't been in a class room environment in a really long time.” All the things repeated to me over the past several years from my Mom and Grandmother. Mom would then try to offer up different alternatives that if schooling was needed it would gain you a certificate that may or may not be accepted when its all said and done. And it would always be in a field that I either detested or had no interest in. Never going a direct route, as if trying to side step The System. She/we'd always done that; and its never gotten us anywhere.
I was tried of my job hinging on the whims of a stressed out, semi-hysterical, overly privileged parent that would sometimes show signs of jealousy that the kids liked me so much... Hello... They spend most of their waking hours with me!!! Or my job depending on the employment of someone else. Three of the previous families I have worked for at least one parent had lost their jobs resulting in not needing a nanny anymore.
So, yet again I let Mom talk me out of trying to go back to school telling me to stick it out as long as I could until I could get something else lined up... Whatever that was going to be... Before I started working for Trish in 2007 I was already tired of being a Nanny. I was and am still very good at it, but I am tired. Tired for the previous reasons listed, but also unfulfilled. Granted helping children to grow and develop in those so very important first years is no easy task, though it is often over looked. I was wanting something more, but I didn't actually know what it was. I only knew something was missing. I loved to learn and to challenge myself by this point in my life. And I want to make a contribution to the World; if nothing else at least MY little World of people... But, how? And with out more education? Mom was limiting me severely here. I know she was just trying to help. I think she is personally unable to see past either childcare or working in a office. Both things I've done and done well, but do not wish to do again. I tend to feel trapped in the tedium of day to day life in such situations.
Without any hope or plan in place my life continued at a horrid pace. My stomach turned every time my boss watched me hesitantly wondering what was going through her head; would this be the day? The day I lose my job for no apparent reason?
Months pass slowly. A few times the Rabbi would ask me if there was anything I wanted to talk about, if he could help. I'd shake my head “No” and fight off the tears threatening to escape as I thought of the reasons for my demeanor. Then I'd wonder what I actually looked like? How awful was my expression? Surely it didn't match the wounded, scared, terrified girl inside.
Sometime in the summer of 2009 I'd made the hour and a half drive to see my grandparents (dad's parents) at the Lake. I told her a little of what had gone on in my life as it changed, leaving certain pieces of information out about Messicanic stuff that I knew she wouldn't understand or want to understand. Among the topics we talked about I started asking her why I wasn't like anyone else? Not in the family or anyone in general? I was just too... too different...
Thats when she showed me a few of her albums. She told me that I got my writing from her. There were a few short stories and articles she'd written. She'd been asked every time she went to a High School Reunion to write something for it. I felt proud to be her granddaughter in that moment. And even more so when I read what she'd written. It was excellent.... I wasn't as different as I'd thought. :) I had at least one companion in this family of mine.
She also told me on one of those visits that she'd been to the doctor because she'd felt a lump on the side of her head. She'd had cancer a few years before and it had gone into remission for a long time. But, she assured me all would be well and not to worry about it too much. I agreed and went on with my day to day life as it slowly grew more tiresome, more stressful.
Thanksgiving came and talks about cancer arose again few weeks prior. I was aware of the goings on and the plan of action before most of the family and promised to keep my mouth shut til they had more in order. The Lam's gathered once again, after years of separate holiday's and the announcement was made. Grandma's cancer had returned and they were moving closer to my Dad in Wichita into an assisted living facility so he could help them. Other than that black announcement it was actually a really nice holiday. We all laughed and told stories and played a board game Laurie had brought making us laugh even harder... Which is saying something.... We Lam's don't play games. We have no use for them... But it all ended on a pleasant note. Grandma had high spirits that it would all be okay, even if she didn't beat it this time. She always said over and over again that she was old and had lived a good life and was ready to go home.
I hadn't talked to Chad in about a month in a half or two months. I think he'd sent me some random text on Thanksgiving asking about “Turkey Day” but thats as far as the conversation went. I tested the waters with easy conversation but only seemed to be met with subtle- yet visible- resistance. It almost seemed as if he were fighting his own nature trying to talk to me... something I know only to well, now.
The dates were set for my “Christmas Vacation,” plans made as my Dad and I were going to work together to get Grandma and Grandpa moved from the Lake to his house in Burk, just out side of Wichita. I talked to dad frequently as the days and weeks passed, becoming all to aware of both Grandma and Grandpa's deteriorating conditions. It would be a 10 day whirl wind trip for Dad. I would get there, he'd leave the next day to go get their stuff with the movers and bring it back, then spend the next few days putting their apartment together.
My job still stressed me out, but now it all was starting to feel heavier. What could I do? When in doubt, pray. I asked all my friends for prayer for the whole situation. I considered asking Chad but wasn't sure that I was entitled do so anymore. We were barely acquaintances anymore. But, maybe Rebecca was a bit more impartial. More third-party. So I emailed her in December asking for her prayers and explaining the situation.
She emailed back saying of course she would and to let her know if there was anything she could do to help...
….Yeah... NO.... Not going THAT far here. Your son wants nothing to do with me don't expect me to show up on your door asking for assistance. You're a very nice lady and was once a good friend of my mom's but you cannot be completely separated from your son.
A few days before I was to leave Austin and head to help Dad Chad calls me and offers his sympathies and offers to help too. I thank him and brush his petty words away, having no intention in asking for his help. We'd hardly spoken since September...
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
My Journey: New Conclusions (3)
While attending Zion I started going to a Hebrew class, learning to read and write the letters in the Alephbet. The more bible studies that I went to I learned a little about the root words inside the Hebrew words and the individual meanings to those words. It was like a whole sentence or concept the middle of a completely separate word. Along with root words I learned about the letters themselves and the various meanings behind them and the pronunciation.
Due to my work schedule and my own private bible study and basic lack of energy I was only able to go to the Hebrew class for a few weeks. Then we lost our building and the class was canceled indefinitely... I felt cheated. :( There was SO much I wanted to learn. And as I slowly began to learning of all the things about this faith I wanted to know it all and I wanted to know NOW! I know, I know. Patience is a virtue... But when you've suddenly realized there was a whole new world right in front of your nose its hard to just stand still, staying right where you've always been, or at the very least go at steady walker's pace.
The language alone was fascinating enough by itself, but to add the fact that this was what God's chosen people lived by, by what HE decreed made it all the more intriguing. I wanted to know what the Torah actually said, what Our Father had actually commanded verses the man-made laws of the Rabbinic traditions. A lot of the Rabbinic traditions in my point of view at this point are what I call “just in case” rules. Taking away even the minute possibility that they might accidentally break a commandment. Which by the way, there are more than 10 if you actually read the book. :)
Christianity has as much oral traditions as any other religion. Being raised in the faith myself I was basically taught theology my entire life. When I read the Bible I saw doctrine. I'd see that “this verse” is connected to “this theology” or “doctrine” from “this denomination,” rather than looking at the book or chapter as a whole. As a result of this verses are usually understood wrongly, in a way that was not intended, because it is taken out of context. You have to understand who is talking and who they are talking to, Jews or Gentiles. If it is a Jew they are expected to know their own histories and traditions and ways. It does not need to be explained letter by letter because they already know it. It is in the Scriptures, the Torah. That was one thing that always confused me growing up. When it said in the new testament “as it says in the Scriptures.” I was like, “What? These ARE the Scriptures!”
The most of the Torah (the five books of Moses) that I was familiar with from 25 years of being taught in the Church that I could remember was limited to the Exodus story and the Creation story. Our main focus was on the latter part of the Old Testament and all of the New Testament.
But now there was so much and I just couldn't take it all in fast enough. I was hungry for it and excited about it all... but, I had no one to talk to about it with. Chad had said “Well, thats what I'm here for,” but it didn't feel that way. He didn't understand me most of the time because of living in his head for so long. I swear no matter what I was talking about it usually seemed like he was only half listening at best because he was already formulating the next thing he was going to say. It also felt like it wasn't new to him so therefore he didn't see the big deal, like why would I bring it up? So, here I was, about to burst for all the wonderful new things I was learning and could share it with no one... I felt even more alone than before.
By the second month I attended Zion I had accepted the Truth of the Covenants. I saw that the New Testament was merely a continuation of the “Old Covenant,” not to replace it, but to fulfill it and add to it. Nowhere in the New Testament does it say that the Law was done away with. Romans 3:31 “Do we, then, nullify the law by this faith? Not at all! Rather, we uphold the law.” All over the Bible it talks about righteousness and being righteous. Well, how are we supposed to be righteous? What are the qualifications? Depends on who you ask. Righteousness for man is completely different than what Our Father has clearly declared. It was not made a secret by any means, especially during these modern times. Bibles are available everywhere.
And as I mentioned earlier I eat Kosher. I do not eat pork or shellfish, nor do I eat meat and dairy together. Now some choose not to abide by the meat and dairy rule as it was not clearly defined rule. Its base on a verse that says “do not boil a kidd in its mothers milk.” But, I've done years of research (before I ever started my current walk) on health and nutrition and many nutritionists of no religious affiliation have all said that it is much harder on your body to digest meat and dairy together. That is why so many people have digestive problems and will often get very tired after they eat. When you sleep, you see, that is when your body is repairing itself. .. I'm gonna have to stop on that subject. I could go on for ours about eating and food and research.
I had also made some very good friends there that I still talk to often and go to for advise. My best friend from there was Bonnie, who had started going the October before me. I started the Shabbat right after Passover of 2009. I was relieved to know she was going through some of the same things I was. It was like pulling teeth to get answers out of people with more knowledge than you. Come to find out they were going off a verse in the Torah that said not to judge others on how they keep Torah. How they live their lives and such. This is a good verse... I like this verse, but when you are wanting to be TAUGHT Torah it hinders you a bit!!!
Anyway, weeks pass after a very stressful vacation that I shall not share and Chad and I continued in our normal pattern. Texting about every week and a half or so. Slowly it became about every Monday morning, I think. Usually it was just “Good morning. How are you?” Or if it was later in the day “How was your day?” And he was getting better about the complementing thing. Not acting as if I had done something wrong and giving me the cold shoulder for a few days. Maybe he was finally maturing? Who knows?
Our relationship appeared to be getting better. He seemed to be getting more used to talking to me. It seemed easier, more effortless. I still didn't bring attention to the things that bothered me that he would say about Christians or woman. Or the fact that that it seemed that all we ended up talking about on the phone were his ex's and his problems with them. I thought it would be rude and I didn't want it to look like I was jealous or something, even though he always told me to tell him if he ever offended me. I always told him I would. I was lying and I knew it, but it was an attempt to keep the peace. Something Jess continues to tell me is a family trait-- almost to a fault on my mothers side... And... Well... She's right... Damn it...
I'm starting to find Jessica is more right about things than I usually gave her credit for. I forget that she knows me better than anyone else. I can't lie to her. She always sees right through me. And she's gotten better about calling me out on it. Especially things I'm in denial about... We've reversed. It used to be the other way around... What's happened to my life? Geez. It's all backwards.
So, one Sunday night I called Chad about a Bible question and he sounded weird. Stressed. As if his thoughts were strained on an uncomfortable subject. He answered it as quickly as he could before getting off the phone. Something was wrong. Whether or not I'd ever find out what, I didn't know? Though I was certain it wasn't my business. I decided not to ask.
I think it was Thursday when he called. He still had that odd tinge to his voice. It didn't take long for him to tell me what was wrong. I didn't ask. He just offered. Apparently he'd gone to Debbie's college graduation; I knew he was still friends with her. And after the graduation they all went to her house (her parents house) to continue the celebration. Her mother was the bar tended and Chad claimed he didn't know he had drunk as much vodka as he had and said somethings he shouldn't have said; or wouldn't have said otherwise.
Reluctantly I asked what exactly he'd said. I knew I didn't want to know. I could only guess too rightly what I was about to hear.
He said he'd told her he was still in love with her and all things that went with it. And she, of course, was all for that. She still loved him, too.
Suddenly I felt numb. I didn't want hear this.
But, I had to say something. I managed to croak out an, “Oh.” Thankfully it didn't take more than that to get him talking again, giving me the rundown of what had happened, also giving me a chance to compose myself and find my voice. As he spoke I forced myself into professional mode, removing myself from my emotions as much as possible.
He had said that he really wasn't in love with her anymore, but he still did love her and always would in a way. I shook my head, though he couldn't see, and said, “No. Usually people speak the truth when their drunk.... Usually... You are still in love with her.”
To that he replied that that wasn't true and he wasn't drunk he was only buzzed. It didn't make any difference. What was said was said. He continued to go over the conversation he'd had with her on his long drive back to Arkansas on Sunday, where he lived at the time. He concluded-- sounding worn and uncertain-- that there were too many key differences between them religiously as to how they should live their lives as a married couple.
I was grateful to finally get off the phone with him. I plugged my phone in the charger and laid down as the numbness overcame me. I felt nothing and I wondered why? We were nothing more than friends and I knew that. It shouldn't make any difference to me what he does with his life.
The next morning I got ready for work in a daze. I talked to Jess on the way to work and filled her in on my conversation from the night before without inflection. It wasn't until after Trish had gone to work and I was standing in the kitchen and all the sudden I found myself crying. I didn't understand what I was crying about? Yes, I was in a mood, but usually don't cry when that happens. Especially when I'm at work or in public.
This went on for a long time. I tried to pull back the tears, but with little success. Finally I texted Jess and told her that I was all weepy that morning for some reason and I didn't understand why? It wasn't logical for me to do so. She told me it was because I was in love with him and I was in denial and so was he for that matter. I shook my head and said, “He loves her, not me.” New tears came... Crap. She was right. Well, almost right. I don't think I was really “in love with him” but I obviously allowed myself to care about him more deeply than I had intended... WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?
It was then that I realized that I had started to trust him-- and “like” him--- without my conscious permission. My heart sunk further.
The day progressed in much the same fashion. I did manage to adequately pull myself together when Trish came in that day, which thankfully wasn't that much. I felt numb for a few days until I forced myself to not think about it.
This sort of thing was not uncommon, I told myself. For me, anyway. I was doomed to always be alone and I knew that. I'd accepted that long ago. So why did this hurt so much?
I became angry with myself for accidentally becoming on of “those girls.” The ones that falls for a guy that doesn't want her. I didn't want to end up trying embarrassingly to convincing myself that he wanted me too, but that he just didn't know it. They either do or they don't. That's how I've always seen it. I tried to hide behind logic, to remove myself from the situation under the guise of intelligence. That I was above being controlled by unruly emotions... But, that didn't help the aching in my chest.
Why wasn't it working? It always had before, with one exception. Of course that was due to the fact that we were young, he was wishy-washy, and I justed needed someone to want me. My life, at the time, was falling apart and every solid relationship with my family was dissolving. Years later when I realized what was going on I resolved to never let myself fall prey to my emotions again. And until now, I hadn't.
Chad, of course, was none-the-wiser to my bout of depression. We didn't speak often enough for him to hear the change in my voice. The hesitation as I thought carefully of what I was about to say so not to give anyone the opportunity to see truth between the lines... Or lies/self-denial/half-truths. Whatever you wan to call them.
So, after a few weeks I was aware that I had developed feelings for someone who was in love with someone else, completely not a possibility. I resolved to put on my third-party acquaintance face and leave it there. Not just put it on, but solder it on, weld it, nail it, screw it, hot glue it! Whatever it took. I was not going to make a fool of myself! Of that, I was determined.
Days, weeks passed... I'm not sure how long but August had rolled around. Chad had started calling more frequently in the last month and a half, which shocked me, but irritatingly (at myself) always brightened my day... even though the conversation always turned to his ex-girlfriends and his problems with them-- especially Debbie. It had been at least a year since they had broken up.
Most of the time he just griped about Debbie and explained what he was looking for verses what she was and had claimed to be when he'd first met her. He was working through things and I understood that. I've DONE that. Jess has heard years of it from me about one particular guy that turned me off to the whole possibility of true love. I had virtually resigned myself to a single life of abstinence (I was and still am abstinent, but this was dooming to that fate forever) after trying now and again to force myself to date guys I knew weren't right for me, but seemed the best option available.
But in the last month he had seemed to be getting better about his griping. Like he was making an effort to either get over her or just trying not to hurt my feelings, which I'm sure he was confused about. Things like this I try not to let show-- thanks in large part to Dad and the one guy I only talk to Jess about.
So it was Wednesday or Thursday when he called. My birthday was in a week... Things always seem to go dramatically wrong around my birthday and this was no exception. He was happy and normal and I was glad. And, of course, the conversation slowly shifted to Debbie. With a resigned sigh I settled in for a long conversation that we'd had a million times, me giving my advise or a womans opinion here and there at various intervals. But then his intent shifted from referring to his “ex's” to “all woman”... Whether he realizes it or not I am a woman. I am included in the accusations and assumptions he was hurling at the female race. I tried to correct him several times, letting him know that ALL woman are not this way, but that he was up set right now and that was clouding his view. Surfacely he would agree enough to brush my words away. I would grimace though he couldn't see me.
He assumed, I'm sure, that I should know by now that I was, OF COURSE *roll my eyes*, the exception to every negative thing he said. He would always hint at something when he spoke, a double meaning, nudging me that he was still interested in me all the while listing what he was looking for... all the things I was not and could not be... He seemed to imply a lot that he saw me in a different way or that I was headed in the right direction for him. Yet he still constantly said things that were contrary to his insinuations. I had no choice but to believe the latter was the truth. That was safer... less chance of damaging my easily broken heart. It had never really healed, not properly at least. Ever since... never mind.
Now the fact that what he was saying to me that night would've offended me on a normal day made things even worse by the other fact that I had recently started taking birth control, putting my hormones and everything back in order. (About three months before I had seriously thought I was dying only to find out that I had had a ovarian cyst rupture. I can still remember the sharp knife-like feeling as I doubled over then fell on my floor. Then the swirling sensation of my abdomen filling with blood then harden as my body resisted everything happening to it. It wasn't the first time this has happened, but every time it did it just got worse and worse. I just never knew what it was. They prescribed birth control to stop it from happening again, and so far its worked.) Every “normal” side effect that goes along with having a menstrual cycle suddenly reared its ugly head. Something I've never had to deal with before. I'd always been so out of whack that I could go for months with out having a monthly problem, and when I did, I didn't have mood swings or chocolate cravings or cramps. None of it. Now it had been building up in my system for at least three months and here come the PMS symptoms. And at just the wrong time, too.
I kept my voice as even and as indifferent as possible, but that didn't change the fact the torrent of chaotic emotions was wreaking havoc on my insides. He was pushing himself more into the belief that “ALL woman were manipulative lairs, especially the one that claimed to be interested in him in a romantic nature.” I knew he knew-- on some level-- that I still had feelings for him. How deep? I didn't know myself so how could he? But, in my mind there was no two ways around it. He was pushing me away. Subtly or subconsciously telling me to back off so not to have to directly hurt my feelings. He wasn't interested and didn't want to lead me on even though the insinuations would undoubtedly continue... just like … never mind.
What had I done, I wondered, to be treated this way? I had bent over backwards so I wouldn't appear overly eager in any direction. I fervently did not want to be looked upon as desperate or clingy. But that's exactly how he was making me feel. I was furious.
Part of my mind wondered if I was reading too much into it, but it couldn't overtake the other part that fumed. As always, per my raising, I was polite when we hung up. It had been ingrained in me as far back as I can remember not to let those you bother you or hurt you see what they've done. And most of the time I really don't care what people think or say. But, the few that do...
It was nearly midnight when we hung up and I still needed to shower before I went to bed. I plugged my phone in the charger and headed to the bathroom gritting my teeth and muttering curses and slurs under my breath. “Who the hell does he think he is! ASS!!!” Many other colorful things came out of my mouth that night, but none I wish to write down. Its bad enough my dog had to hear them.
When I got out of the shower there was a text on my cell from him saying he was sorry for the direction the conversation had gone. And to let him know if he was ever “not careful with my feelings.” Its a little a late for that pal!... Jerk.
I didn't reply immediately. I was still too mad. I was afraid of what I might say. That I'd make things worse and create a problem when all I really wanted was to sweep it under the rug and forget it ever happened. But-- I wasn't myself as much as I fought for control over my emotions.
I texted him back before I went to bed. I ignored the last part-- didn't respond to it anyway-- but I did say something to the effect of “I understand you're working through stuff right now. I spent years where you are. Something similar happened to me and I very nearly didn't recover... But I'm sorry you see us that way.” US, including myself in the general “woman” he'd bitched about and called untrustworthy liars that you couldn't believe a word that came out of their mouths. It almost felt as if every time he used the word “woman” or “they” he could've easily replaced with “Crystal” or “You.”
His response came after I'd gone to bed, dosed with sleep medication. I didn't look at it until the morning. I was too annoyed and not coherent enough to see the screen. It said, “Not all just some.”
I had hoped that my anger would have faded over the course of the night. That maybe my reaction to everything he'd said was due to the fact that I was tired and that it would make better sense in the morning. No such luck. I was still pissed.
And when I am angry I speak clearly, calmly, but I also forget that my words cut. Several people have told me that whether I intend it or not I know the perfect thing to say to cut you off at the knees. Low blow or not. As if I'd slapped them across the face. A lot of times its calculated on my part, contingency plans designed to protect myself stored safely in the back of my mind should I need them. But, this... this was not one of those times. This was my subconscious lashing out at someone who had hurt me.
I knew I should've just let it go. Not respond to his last text but something in me just couldn't. This was about 7 AM after I woke up. The texting conversation went on as I got ready and drove to work. I thought I was being logical and even about it, for that is how I speak and think, not a hard inflection in my tone. Just facts. But I forget that text doesn't work that way. It wasn't until I was at work talking to my boss and I got another text that said, “Wow. Have I angered you?” that I realized what had happened. I went back and looked at my sent messages and saw what he saw if he hadn't heard me speaking in my clear professional tone I used when I'm upset and trying to hide it.
The last thing I had put was: “I do not argue with those who do not listen. It is a wasted breath.” Which is true, he didn't listen. He picked and chose what he heard. Thats why most of our conversations over the past year revolved around him or the Bible. He never investigated me. Never tried to dig deeper like all other true friends of mine had done. Try to figure out why I am the way I am. How did I get here? Why I react the way I do?
After my boss went to work and it was just me and the kids I sat down and tried to explain, now that he'd finally figured out I was mad, what the problem was. The texts continued. It wasn't until about three replies later that I realized how upset I was. I clicked the button to reply and the blank screen came up and I started pushing buttons, but I couldn't see it properly. Like they were fussy, the letters blurring. At first I thought that my phone was glitching or something, then I looked at my hand holding the phone to see it was shaking violently. I assessed myself. My whole body was shaking. I felt weak... When had I started crying?
I wiped my face, but it didn't help. Though I was trying very hard to keep it together in front of the kids, not wanting to up set them, the tears flowed harder.
(MORE IN NEXT BLOG)
Due to my work schedule and my own private bible study and basic lack of energy I was only able to go to the Hebrew class for a few weeks. Then we lost our building and the class was canceled indefinitely... I felt cheated. :( There was SO much I wanted to learn. And as I slowly began to learning of all the things about this faith I wanted to know it all and I wanted to know NOW! I know, I know. Patience is a virtue... But when you've suddenly realized there was a whole new world right in front of your nose its hard to just stand still, staying right where you've always been, or at the very least go at steady walker's pace.
The language alone was fascinating enough by itself, but to add the fact that this was what God's chosen people lived by, by what HE decreed made it all the more intriguing. I wanted to know what the Torah actually said, what Our Father had actually commanded verses the man-made laws of the Rabbinic traditions. A lot of the Rabbinic traditions in my point of view at this point are what I call “just in case” rules. Taking away even the minute possibility that they might accidentally break a commandment. Which by the way, there are more than 10 if you actually read the book. :)
Christianity has as much oral traditions as any other religion. Being raised in the faith myself I was basically taught theology my entire life. When I read the Bible I saw doctrine. I'd see that “this verse” is connected to “this theology” or “doctrine” from “this denomination,” rather than looking at the book or chapter as a whole. As a result of this verses are usually understood wrongly, in a way that was not intended, because it is taken out of context. You have to understand who is talking and who they are talking to, Jews or Gentiles. If it is a Jew they are expected to know their own histories and traditions and ways. It does not need to be explained letter by letter because they already know it. It is in the Scriptures, the Torah. That was one thing that always confused me growing up. When it said in the new testament “as it says in the Scriptures.” I was like, “What? These ARE the Scriptures!”
The most of the Torah (the five books of Moses) that I was familiar with from 25 years of being taught in the Church that I could remember was limited to the Exodus story and the Creation story. Our main focus was on the latter part of the Old Testament and all of the New Testament.
But now there was so much and I just couldn't take it all in fast enough. I was hungry for it and excited about it all... but, I had no one to talk to about it with. Chad had said “Well, thats what I'm here for,” but it didn't feel that way. He didn't understand me most of the time because of living in his head for so long. I swear no matter what I was talking about it usually seemed like he was only half listening at best because he was already formulating the next thing he was going to say. It also felt like it wasn't new to him so therefore he didn't see the big deal, like why would I bring it up? So, here I was, about to burst for all the wonderful new things I was learning and could share it with no one... I felt even more alone than before.
By the second month I attended Zion I had accepted the Truth of the Covenants. I saw that the New Testament was merely a continuation of the “Old Covenant,” not to replace it, but to fulfill it and add to it. Nowhere in the New Testament does it say that the Law was done away with. Romans 3:31 “Do we, then, nullify the law by this faith? Not at all! Rather, we uphold the law.” All over the Bible it talks about righteousness and being righteous. Well, how are we supposed to be righteous? What are the qualifications? Depends on who you ask. Righteousness for man is completely different than what Our Father has clearly declared. It was not made a secret by any means, especially during these modern times. Bibles are available everywhere.
And as I mentioned earlier I eat Kosher. I do not eat pork or shellfish, nor do I eat meat and dairy together. Now some choose not to abide by the meat and dairy rule as it was not clearly defined rule. Its base on a verse that says “do not boil a kidd in its mothers milk.” But, I've done years of research (before I ever started my current walk) on health and nutrition and many nutritionists of no religious affiliation have all said that it is much harder on your body to digest meat and dairy together. That is why so many people have digestive problems and will often get very tired after they eat. When you sleep, you see, that is when your body is repairing itself. .. I'm gonna have to stop on that subject. I could go on for ours about eating and food and research.
I had also made some very good friends there that I still talk to often and go to for advise. My best friend from there was Bonnie, who had started going the October before me. I started the Shabbat right after Passover of 2009. I was relieved to know she was going through some of the same things I was. It was like pulling teeth to get answers out of people with more knowledge than you. Come to find out they were going off a verse in the Torah that said not to judge others on how they keep Torah. How they live their lives and such. This is a good verse... I like this verse, but when you are wanting to be TAUGHT Torah it hinders you a bit!!!
Anyway, weeks pass after a very stressful vacation that I shall not share and Chad and I continued in our normal pattern. Texting about every week and a half or so. Slowly it became about every Monday morning, I think. Usually it was just “Good morning. How are you?” Or if it was later in the day “How was your day?” And he was getting better about the complementing thing. Not acting as if I had done something wrong and giving me the cold shoulder for a few days. Maybe he was finally maturing? Who knows?
Our relationship appeared to be getting better. He seemed to be getting more used to talking to me. It seemed easier, more effortless. I still didn't bring attention to the things that bothered me that he would say about Christians or woman. Or the fact that that it seemed that all we ended up talking about on the phone were his ex's and his problems with them. I thought it would be rude and I didn't want it to look like I was jealous or something, even though he always told me to tell him if he ever offended me. I always told him I would. I was lying and I knew it, but it was an attempt to keep the peace. Something Jess continues to tell me is a family trait-- almost to a fault on my mothers side... And... Well... She's right... Damn it...
I'm starting to find Jessica is more right about things than I usually gave her credit for. I forget that she knows me better than anyone else. I can't lie to her. She always sees right through me. And she's gotten better about calling me out on it. Especially things I'm in denial about... We've reversed. It used to be the other way around... What's happened to my life? Geez. It's all backwards.
So, one Sunday night I called Chad about a Bible question and he sounded weird. Stressed. As if his thoughts were strained on an uncomfortable subject. He answered it as quickly as he could before getting off the phone. Something was wrong. Whether or not I'd ever find out what, I didn't know? Though I was certain it wasn't my business. I decided not to ask.
I think it was Thursday when he called. He still had that odd tinge to his voice. It didn't take long for him to tell me what was wrong. I didn't ask. He just offered. Apparently he'd gone to Debbie's college graduation; I knew he was still friends with her. And after the graduation they all went to her house (her parents house) to continue the celebration. Her mother was the bar tended and Chad claimed he didn't know he had drunk as much vodka as he had and said somethings he shouldn't have said; or wouldn't have said otherwise.
Reluctantly I asked what exactly he'd said. I knew I didn't want to know. I could only guess too rightly what I was about to hear.
He said he'd told her he was still in love with her and all things that went with it. And she, of course, was all for that. She still loved him, too.
Suddenly I felt numb. I didn't want hear this.
But, I had to say something. I managed to croak out an, “Oh.” Thankfully it didn't take more than that to get him talking again, giving me the rundown of what had happened, also giving me a chance to compose myself and find my voice. As he spoke I forced myself into professional mode, removing myself from my emotions as much as possible.
He had said that he really wasn't in love with her anymore, but he still did love her and always would in a way. I shook my head, though he couldn't see, and said, “No. Usually people speak the truth when their drunk.... Usually... You are still in love with her.”
To that he replied that that wasn't true and he wasn't drunk he was only buzzed. It didn't make any difference. What was said was said. He continued to go over the conversation he'd had with her on his long drive back to Arkansas on Sunday, where he lived at the time. He concluded-- sounding worn and uncertain-- that there were too many key differences between them religiously as to how they should live their lives as a married couple.
I was grateful to finally get off the phone with him. I plugged my phone in the charger and laid down as the numbness overcame me. I felt nothing and I wondered why? We were nothing more than friends and I knew that. It shouldn't make any difference to me what he does with his life.
The next morning I got ready for work in a daze. I talked to Jess on the way to work and filled her in on my conversation from the night before without inflection. It wasn't until after Trish had gone to work and I was standing in the kitchen and all the sudden I found myself crying. I didn't understand what I was crying about? Yes, I was in a mood, but usually don't cry when that happens. Especially when I'm at work or in public.
This went on for a long time. I tried to pull back the tears, but with little success. Finally I texted Jess and told her that I was all weepy that morning for some reason and I didn't understand why? It wasn't logical for me to do so. She told me it was because I was in love with him and I was in denial and so was he for that matter. I shook my head and said, “He loves her, not me.” New tears came... Crap. She was right. Well, almost right. I don't think I was really “in love with him” but I obviously allowed myself to care about him more deeply than I had intended... WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?
It was then that I realized that I had started to trust him-- and “like” him--- without my conscious permission. My heart sunk further.
The day progressed in much the same fashion. I did manage to adequately pull myself together when Trish came in that day, which thankfully wasn't that much. I felt numb for a few days until I forced myself to not think about it.
This sort of thing was not uncommon, I told myself. For me, anyway. I was doomed to always be alone and I knew that. I'd accepted that long ago. So why did this hurt so much?
I became angry with myself for accidentally becoming on of “those girls.” The ones that falls for a guy that doesn't want her. I didn't want to end up trying embarrassingly to convincing myself that he wanted me too, but that he just didn't know it. They either do or they don't. That's how I've always seen it. I tried to hide behind logic, to remove myself from the situation under the guise of intelligence. That I was above being controlled by unruly emotions... But, that didn't help the aching in my chest.
Why wasn't it working? It always had before, with one exception. Of course that was due to the fact that we were young, he was wishy-washy, and I justed needed someone to want me. My life, at the time, was falling apart and every solid relationship with my family was dissolving. Years later when I realized what was going on I resolved to never let myself fall prey to my emotions again. And until now, I hadn't.
Chad, of course, was none-the-wiser to my bout of depression. We didn't speak often enough for him to hear the change in my voice. The hesitation as I thought carefully of what I was about to say so not to give anyone the opportunity to see truth between the lines... Or lies/self-denial/half-truths. Whatever you wan to call them.
So, after a few weeks I was aware that I had developed feelings for someone who was in love with someone else, completely not a possibility. I resolved to put on my third-party acquaintance face and leave it there. Not just put it on, but solder it on, weld it, nail it, screw it, hot glue it! Whatever it took. I was not going to make a fool of myself! Of that, I was determined.
Days, weeks passed... I'm not sure how long but August had rolled around. Chad had started calling more frequently in the last month and a half, which shocked me, but irritatingly (at myself) always brightened my day... even though the conversation always turned to his ex-girlfriends and his problems with them-- especially Debbie. It had been at least a year since they had broken up.
Most of the time he just griped about Debbie and explained what he was looking for verses what she was and had claimed to be when he'd first met her. He was working through things and I understood that. I've DONE that. Jess has heard years of it from me about one particular guy that turned me off to the whole possibility of true love. I had virtually resigned myself to a single life of abstinence (I was and still am abstinent, but this was dooming to that fate forever) after trying now and again to force myself to date guys I knew weren't right for me, but seemed the best option available.
But in the last month he had seemed to be getting better about his griping. Like he was making an effort to either get over her or just trying not to hurt my feelings, which I'm sure he was confused about. Things like this I try not to let show-- thanks in large part to Dad and the one guy I only talk to Jess about.
So it was Wednesday or Thursday when he called. My birthday was in a week... Things always seem to go dramatically wrong around my birthday and this was no exception. He was happy and normal and I was glad. And, of course, the conversation slowly shifted to Debbie. With a resigned sigh I settled in for a long conversation that we'd had a million times, me giving my advise or a womans opinion here and there at various intervals. But then his intent shifted from referring to his “ex's” to “all woman”... Whether he realizes it or not I am a woman. I am included in the accusations and assumptions he was hurling at the female race. I tried to correct him several times, letting him know that ALL woman are not this way, but that he was up set right now and that was clouding his view. Surfacely he would agree enough to brush my words away. I would grimace though he couldn't see me.
He assumed, I'm sure, that I should know by now that I was, OF COURSE *roll my eyes*, the exception to every negative thing he said. He would always hint at something when he spoke, a double meaning, nudging me that he was still interested in me all the while listing what he was looking for... all the things I was not and could not be... He seemed to imply a lot that he saw me in a different way or that I was headed in the right direction for him. Yet he still constantly said things that were contrary to his insinuations. I had no choice but to believe the latter was the truth. That was safer... less chance of damaging my easily broken heart. It had never really healed, not properly at least. Ever since... never mind.
Now the fact that what he was saying to me that night would've offended me on a normal day made things even worse by the other fact that I had recently started taking birth control, putting my hormones and everything back in order. (About three months before I had seriously thought I was dying only to find out that I had had a ovarian cyst rupture. I can still remember the sharp knife-like feeling as I doubled over then fell on my floor. Then the swirling sensation of my abdomen filling with blood then harden as my body resisted everything happening to it. It wasn't the first time this has happened, but every time it did it just got worse and worse. I just never knew what it was. They prescribed birth control to stop it from happening again, and so far its worked.) Every “normal” side effect that goes along with having a menstrual cycle suddenly reared its ugly head. Something I've never had to deal with before. I'd always been so out of whack that I could go for months with out having a monthly problem, and when I did, I didn't have mood swings or chocolate cravings or cramps. None of it. Now it had been building up in my system for at least three months and here come the PMS symptoms. And at just the wrong time, too.
I kept my voice as even and as indifferent as possible, but that didn't change the fact the torrent of chaotic emotions was wreaking havoc on my insides. He was pushing himself more into the belief that “ALL woman were manipulative lairs, especially the one that claimed to be interested in him in a romantic nature.” I knew he knew-- on some level-- that I still had feelings for him. How deep? I didn't know myself so how could he? But, in my mind there was no two ways around it. He was pushing me away. Subtly or subconsciously telling me to back off so not to have to directly hurt my feelings. He wasn't interested and didn't want to lead me on even though the insinuations would undoubtedly continue... just like … never mind.
What had I done, I wondered, to be treated this way? I had bent over backwards so I wouldn't appear overly eager in any direction. I fervently did not want to be looked upon as desperate or clingy. But that's exactly how he was making me feel. I was furious.
Part of my mind wondered if I was reading too much into it, but it couldn't overtake the other part that fumed. As always, per my raising, I was polite when we hung up. It had been ingrained in me as far back as I can remember not to let those you bother you or hurt you see what they've done. And most of the time I really don't care what people think or say. But, the few that do...
It was nearly midnight when we hung up and I still needed to shower before I went to bed. I plugged my phone in the charger and headed to the bathroom gritting my teeth and muttering curses and slurs under my breath. “Who the hell does he think he is! ASS!!!” Many other colorful things came out of my mouth that night, but none I wish to write down. Its bad enough my dog had to hear them.
When I got out of the shower there was a text on my cell from him saying he was sorry for the direction the conversation had gone. And to let him know if he was ever “not careful with my feelings.” Its a little a late for that pal!... Jerk.
I didn't reply immediately. I was still too mad. I was afraid of what I might say. That I'd make things worse and create a problem when all I really wanted was to sweep it under the rug and forget it ever happened. But-- I wasn't myself as much as I fought for control over my emotions.
I texted him back before I went to bed. I ignored the last part-- didn't respond to it anyway-- but I did say something to the effect of “I understand you're working through stuff right now. I spent years where you are. Something similar happened to me and I very nearly didn't recover... But I'm sorry you see us that way.” US, including myself in the general “woman” he'd bitched about and called untrustworthy liars that you couldn't believe a word that came out of their mouths. It almost felt as if every time he used the word “woman” or “they” he could've easily replaced with “Crystal” or “You.”
His response came after I'd gone to bed, dosed with sleep medication. I didn't look at it until the morning. I was too annoyed and not coherent enough to see the screen. It said, “Not all just some.”
I had hoped that my anger would have faded over the course of the night. That maybe my reaction to everything he'd said was due to the fact that I was tired and that it would make better sense in the morning. No such luck. I was still pissed.
And when I am angry I speak clearly, calmly, but I also forget that my words cut. Several people have told me that whether I intend it or not I know the perfect thing to say to cut you off at the knees. Low blow or not. As if I'd slapped them across the face. A lot of times its calculated on my part, contingency plans designed to protect myself stored safely in the back of my mind should I need them. But, this... this was not one of those times. This was my subconscious lashing out at someone who had hurt me.
I knew I should've just let it go. Not respond to his last text but something in me just couldn't. This was about 7 AM after I woke up. The texting conversation went on as I got ready and drove to work. I thought I was being logical and even about it, for that is how I speak and think, not a hard inflection in my tone. Just facts. But I forget that text doesn't work that way. It wasn't until I was at work talking to my boss and I got another text that said, “Wow. Have I angered you?” that I realized what had happened. I went back and looked at my sent messages and saw what he saw if he hadn't heard me speaking in my clear professional tone I used when I'm upset and trying to hide it.
The last thing I had put was: “I do not argue with those who do not listen. It is a wasted breath.” Which is true, he didn't listen. He picked and chose what he heard. Thats why most of our conversations over the past year revolved around him or the Bible. He never investigated me. Never tried to dig deeper like all other true friends of mine had done. Try to figure out why I am the way I am. How did I get here? Why I react the way I do?
After my boss went to work and it was just me and the kids I sat down and tried to explain, now that he'd finally figured out I was mad, what the problem was. The texts continued. It wasn't until about three replies later that I realized how upset I was. I clicked the button to reply and the blank screen came up and I started pushing buttons, but I couldn't see it properly. Like they were fussy, the letters blurring. At first I thought that my phone was glitching or something, then I looked at my hand holding the phone to see it was shaking violently. I assessed myself. My whole body was shaking. I felt weak... When had I started crying?
I wiped my face, but it didn't help. Though I was trying very hard to keep it together in front of the kids, not wanting to up set them, the tears flowed harder.
(MORE IN NEXT BLOG)
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
My Journey: Stumbling to find the Truth (2)
Upon Chad's fervent suggestion I emailed his mother.
“Nov 14, 2008
Hey Rebbecca! How are you? I hope you're doing well! I'm sure Chad has told you I've been asking him questions about Messianic Judaism. Truth be told I understood what he was saying on the phone better rather than email. I think on the emails there was some major mis-communications going on on both our sides. But, when I was talking to him on the phone a lot of what he said made sense, but there is still a lot that I don't know or didn't quite get. There was a lot of information... I've been trying to do my own research on the subject for the last couple of months but all I seem to find online is articles and arguments from/and to Jewish Rabbis, and Christan observers with big qualms about the whole thing. Not Helping...
I was wondering if you had any suggestions on where to start? Where did you start in your own research into the subject? Can you recommend some books I can lay my hands on?
I had kinda been talking to Mom about the whole thing (researching Messianic Judaism and what Chad had said... from what I understood) and slowly over the last few weeks she's changed her major apprehension about my looking into it. In a conversation I had with her about it last Sunday she actually said, to my surprise, that she trusted my judgment, because to me if its in the Bible, if someone can show me in black and white, beyond a shadow of a doubt its in there I have no problem believing it. I am very much in a "prove it" mind set when it come to religion.
I know this is a lot to ask of someone I haven't seen in about ten years, and we really haven't caught up or anything, but its been on my mind and I really feel stuck. Chad is very busy and though very knowledgeable about it is not available very often (understandably).
So, with all that said. I hope your doing well and Mom says Hi!
Always,
Crystal”
Rebbecca's reply.
“Nov. 16, 2008
It is good to hear from you. I think of you and your Mother so very often. I wonder many times what became of all of you. I dearly loved your mother and counted her as a best friend. I hate that we lost touch. I do hope that I never did anything to cause that.
I am more than willing to talk about my first love and that is G_d. If I don’t know the answer I will find it!..
I will be happy to help you in your search if I can in any way you would like. It would really help if you tell me what you are wondering about. Basically we need a starting point because I could get going and going and going and you would be doing the too much info too fast. So anyway before I say too much let me know what more specifically you are looking at. Where you are stuck, that sort of thing. There are so many areas that we could start so help me out with that please.
The children have always been taught to keep the commands and they were also always taught Torah (the five books of Moses) basically they were taught and ingrained the Old Testament. I am not sure what all Chad told you or what your interests are so help me out there. I started out on this journey when I was a very young child. I would ask questions since things I was being taught didn’t jive with what I saw as simple black and white truth of the Bible. The older I got the more questions I asked and more trouble I got into. I continued seeking answers asking questions and studying the Word of the Most High. Needless to say being raised in a Old Testament taught home and then passing that on to my children I knew what the Word said as did the children. I did as much study as I could on my own not really knowing where else to look for answers. There are so many books out there you just don’t know where to start or stop. What is good what is truth stuff like that. My cousin finally pointed me to Monte Judah he is with the Lion and the Lamb ministries. He did teach me a great deal but I out grew him fairly fast. I mostly study what the Rabbis teach now (I figure they have been studying longer and know way more than any of us). The ancient writings the Talmud, Mishnah, things like that. Needless to say that does not mean we do not study Torah. We do daily. The Bible is the foundation of everything. Anyway I can give you books I have read or try to answer any questions you have and give scripture to back it up. I will stop rambling on until I know exactly what I am rambling about. I would suggest strongly that you check into First Fruits of Zion. They have so far been excellent in what I have seen. We don’t agree with everything but it is not likely we will ever until the Messiah returns and straightens all of us out.
By the way, we do not call ourselves Messianic (I think Chad does). We have not had a very good experience with them. We prefer to refer to ourselves as Torah obedient, we are a little too Orthodox for most of them. I am not sure that FFOZ is really considered Messianic either they do believe in the Messiah and teach his ways but they are very Orthodox also.
I could go so much more into it but I will stop for now until I hear from you about more specifics. It would be great if we could get together sometime and just spend some time talking about all of this.
I will get this off to you before something happens.
I anxiously await your reply,
Rebbecca Talgan”
My response.
“Nov 16, 2008
Hey thanks for your quick reply! My mom counted you as a dear friend as well and no you are not at fault for loss of contact. My family was going through a hard time and didn't really settle back down until around 2002.
I guess as far as my questions... where to start?... From what I understand you guys believe in both the old and the new testament but focus more on the five books of Moses. How are you (if you do) combining Law and Grace? I was always taught its one or the other, not both.
And according to Chad you believe that Jesus is the Messiah that was prophesied in the Old Testament and you regard him as such. If that is the case why do you not celebrate his birth?
Are you basically going by the traditions and culture of the Jewish people along with the belief in Jesus Christ as the Messiah?
And I agree that sitting down face to face would be great. I am coming home (Wichita Falls) for Christmas maybe we can get together then?
Hope to hear from you soon!
Always,
Crystal”
Here's a funny little note, when I was writing this I was at Mom's sitting at the kitchen table with my lap top. Mom was helping me figure out what I wanted to say because my head was so filled will random information it was difficult to focus on one thing at a time. Anyway, when I got to the part of “From what I understand ...” (initially it said “From what I understand from talking to Chad...”) my fingers hesitated uncertainly on the keys for a long moment. Mom, who was sitting next to me watching the screen, kind of chuckled and said “Nothing... I understand nothing!” We both had to laugh.
Rebbecca's reply.
“Nov 18, 2008
Just for a fast one to give you something to chew on until I can get you some real meat. I have been a little extra occupied so have not gotten to this yet. I do want to give you all scripture bases for everything I tell you so give me some time for this please. Some will be historical documentation but I will give all I can get together.
I will most likely address one thing at a time. First subject: The Law and Grace.
They are one.... without grace there would be no Law and without the law there would be no grace. The rest of the story to come...
Now look up these verses just to start you out.
Deuteronomy 11:13, 11:22
Matt 22:37
Mark 12:30
Luke 10:27
Now, think about what it means to truly love the Lord your G_d with all you heart and with all your strength and with all your resources?
Then go ahead a finish reading Deuteronomy 11.
Deut 12:28,32
Deut 5
that should be enough to start this. Please do not limit your reading to just the specific verses I put down read all of the chapter if you can but make notes of the specifics. I am sure I missed some important stuff but I am trying to do this really fast. Please forgive that.
Also before I go on. I do not in any way want to offend you so please if I ever say anything that seems offensive let me know, it was not meant to be.
In the service of the Most High
Rebbecca”
So, I looked up these scriptures and they all said the same thing. “To love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and strength.” This did little to help me understand Law and Grace... Actually, it did nothing to help. I didn't see the connection. Every time I asked what that had to do with my question it only seemed to irritate her, like my ignorance was seriously testing the limits of her patience... I tried to sympathize, but I was refusing to try and make a false connection for her sake.
My response.
“Nov 19, 2008 10:21 PM
Okay, I looked up what you gave me and I don't see the whole/entire connection to Law and Grace. I understand to love the Lord with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength means to obey his commands and decrees but what does that have to do with the Covenants?
Crystal”
Rebbecca's reply.
“Dec 4, 2008 6:27 PM
Crystal,
I am sorry I have not gotten back to you. Things have been beyond hectic then I got sick and each member of the family so nobody is feeling too great right now. I have not forgotten about you
Rachel “
My frustration with the large time spans between communication for this family was REALLY starting to get on my nerves by this point. This was a big deal, at least to me, and I wanted answers dammit! And it seemed that everyone was reluctant to give it to me for some reason. Why were they skating around the subject? What was the big deal?Blunt and honest, that's how I roll... When it comes to this at least.
Though I felt there was some truth in what Chad had told me another annoying thought began to creep up in my mind every time I sensed the evasive answers poking their ugly heads into their replies. If this was based in black and white Truth, and they truly believe what they're telling me, then why are they having such a hard time spitting it out?
Christmas came and I, of course, went home to Wichita for the event. Though it was less than a happy occasion thanks to a certain member of my family causing me to outright tell my mother that I refused to go to their get together. I, of course, was guilted into going anyway. An event that wasn't as bad as it could've been thanks to my Aunt Cheryl who told someone else to keep their mouth shut or they could leave. :) This person has always caused me massive amounts of stress that it came to the point where when I come home most of the time they are NOT to know I am there otherwise its almost too much for me to bare nicely.
When I got to Wichita I stayed with Dad and spent my time either with him when he wasn't working or with Jess and DJ. I was happy with this arrangement.
Another small oddity I hadn't expected when I went home was that I spent some time with a 14 year old girl named Brandy. I used to baby sit her when she was 3 and lived next door with her Grandma Eve. I'd seen her randomly throughout the years as I'd visit my former home and watched as she grew taller, then wider, then a bit thinner again. But I'd never really spoken to her.
So, it was a surprise to see her come knock on my Dad's front door one day. She was delivering a picture she had drawn for him. It was very good. Very detailed. She definitely had talent and a steady hand.
She was wearing a Twilight shirt and I commented on it and that got us to talking. The conversation veered from the book series to her life, which was a troubled thing... I could relate. She was similar to me, but the non-Christian version. It dawned on me as I was talking to her that I could've been just like her had it not been for my upbringing. For my Mom. She was a bit goth, a bit emo. Dark, like I had been, but more outward about it. I was never one to draw attention to myself... She was screaming for it because she wasn't getting it at home.
She threw herself at boys much older than herself giving me the impression, though she claimed otherwise, that she was sexually active. She seemed to be the kind of person that might have turned to drugs to attempt to escape her turmoil. I doubt she would admit it to me because of the impression I gave.
I listened attentively asking questions here and there and interjecting my own experiences. I tried to let her know what I had gone through without telling her too much. Many of my issues had to do with my father and she as well as her whole family were very close to him now. I didn't want to cause trouble. So, I told her, “My Dad has not always been the man you know. Growing up I hated him. Not even joking. And I thought he hated me and my brother.” I went on to tell her my story, edited of course, and she seemed to really appreciate our conversation. She left to go back to her house five hours later when her little brother came and said her mother wanted her.
I did find out after I had gone home that Brandy had been turned into the school principal and sent to Red River (mental institution) for a couple of weeks for cutting herself in the bathroom. My heart broke for her.
Anyway, the next day after talking to Brandy, Jess and DJ had come over and we were just killing time until our movie started when Brandy came back. She handed me a piece of paper folded in thirds cut with tapered scissors around the edges and told me it was a present. I opened it up and she'd drawn my name vertically with jagged lines and faded colors in the background. I thought she'd just been doodling like I used to do-- but much better-- and thanked her for it. Then, as I looked more carefully, I saw amidst the jagged lines she'd written other words. “Beauty through broken glass.” I almost wanted to cry... But, I didn't. I don't do that in public. But, it did touch me.
Another small part of this Christmas story was that I was supposed to see Chad while I was home. He texted me while he was driving from Arkansas to Texas, but after he gotten there I didn't hear from him again. Though I offered for him to come with me and my friends to see a movie. (Twilight-- but, I didn't tell him which one it was. Worst movie ever. LOVED the book. HATED the movie.) Never got a reply. So, I gritted my teeth, taking the hint and left him alone. He'd had enough of me. I get it. No need to make a spectacle of myself.
So, I went on with my life. Still searching for the answers. Studying persistently every night till I fell asleep which was usually about two or three in the morning. I tried not to think about Chad and the help I needed from him. It would do me no good to let my thoughts drift there. He'd made it perfectly clear by his silence that he had no interest in being my friend... and that was fine... or so I fervently repeated over and over to myself.
January came, as well as an unexpected email.
“Jan 19, 2009 6:41 PM
Hello Crystal
I am sorry we missed you and this is too late for your last visit but, for next time. The home phone is 555-555-5555.
Tell your Mother I said hello, I would love to see her again some day. I hope all is well with her and you too.
Sorry I have not written. It does seem I have no time for anything. I have been so busy and now kidding season is here. We had our first little buckling born this morning. We have three more girls due throughout the next two weeks and then we will be into Feb we have four due then and then four more in March. Wow. Pray for doelings from here on out. This little buck should fetch a good price but naturally you have to find the right buyer. G_d willing we will receive a good price for him. He certainly is a good one.
Must get to supper. Just in from the barn and have not even started supper.
love,
Rebbecca”
And a second.
“Jan 19, 2009 6:50 PM
Crystal
Just a really fast one since I really need to get to supper.
Chad tells me I don't understand because even with being in the church I wasn't really in the church. I get what he is talking about. That is why there are so many things I did not realize were being taught by the church. I just didn't pay attention. My parents taught Torah (the five books of Moses) at home and this could get long so I will not go on for now. Anyway for me there is not separation I cannot understand them as separated. The law is the covenant. If you break the law you break the covenant. That is why Israel was sent into exile so many times. They broke the covenant. Chad said he understands the church way of thinking better than I do so I guess he would be better to explain it in a way it would make sense to you. I am sorry I am no help.
Okay,I really am off now my beeper is going off so bye
Rebbecca”
The final nail in the coffin. Or the brush off, as I saw it. Fine. Chad pawned me off on his mom. His mom pawns me off on him... Officially, nobody wants to help me. “Well fine. Screw you! “ I thought. “I don't need them. I'll figure this out on my own. Who needs 'em?”
It was too big of a problem to just drop. Now that I understood the gravity of the issue and how it seemed to click with all my hesitations about things I had always been taught, I couldn't ignore it. There was no going back to the way things were just because I was without help or resources. The answer was out there and I was going to find it... It may take me years, but I was certainly going to do my best to discover it. This nagging empty space in my heart was not some superficial, emotional hurt. It was rooted much deeper. God didn't intent for us to be full of holes. I had to find out what pieces were missing.
And honestly, I wasn't doing that good on my own. I felt like I was treading water in the middle of the ocean, not a boat in sight. But still, I kept on. Mom, I'm sure was waiting patiently for me to stop searching as I “already knew the Truth” and plus the fact that Chad had seemed to have taken himself out of the picture. Mom was still operating under the misapprehension that this was all about HIM no matter how many times I explained what was really going on.... It was very frustrating. No one ever listens to me. Why is that? Geez.
Come late February in 2009 I was sitting on my bed after just getting home from work when my phone rings. Usually its Jessica who calls me at night, but it was like eight o'clock. She never calls 'til after she's put Brayden to bed. I look at my phone only to reveal my caller ID says “Chad Simpson.” I'm apprehensive. It's not making sense. The few text conversations we'd had since Christmas tended to be about the weather and those were fleeting.
I stared at the phone for a moment, deciding whether or not to answer it. Finally I do answer, but with the mental resolve to not bring up the Bible. If he does thats fine, but I will not broach a subject he has no interest in talking to me about. I'm sure I was a bit edgy at first, despite my attempt at casual off-handedness. I eventually pulled it off I think. We talked for about an hour and a half or so, not once mentioning the forbidden subject.... I let it go. It just cemented in my mind that he had gotten really annoyed with my failed, yet fervent, attempts to decipher his ramblings into coherent truths in answer to my questions.
So, he was speaking to me, but with limitations. Based on his previous pattern, I wouldn't expect any more communication from him for at least another month or so, and even then it would be nothing more than a text. So, I was definitely surprised when he called not a week and a half, two weeks later. Again, I answered, but with the same condition that I will not bring up the Bible.
It was nearly three hours and the conversation was sort of winding down-- it's really hard to tell when talking to Chad. He'll take the smallest thread of a thought and run with it and we'll end up talking for another three hours. He, again, was talking about Debbie, his ex-girlfriend, as he often did. The fact that he talked about her didn't bother me; she was a big part of his life for a while, of course she was going to make in impact. But, eventually HOW MUCH he talked about her started to get on my nerves. But, I never said anything. I responded as detached and diplomatically as I could as a third party observer- based on first parties opinion. I found myself arguing or suggesting reasons for her reactions to him and what he would do and say based on what he'd told me of her and on my knowledge of woman in general. It is rather difficult sometimes though because I have never been a typical girl.
But, he began HINTING at things again, as he sometimes would when talking to me. As if italicizing certain parts of his speech that would pertain to the type of woman he was looking for and the like.
I must make mention that I don't take hints. I get them. I understand them. But, I do not react to them unless its an invitation to leave or that I'm not wanted. If he has something to say to me he must SAY IT. Not hint, but out right SAY IT.
Anyway, back to our second phone conversation of 2009. It was probably almost midnight when he seemed to be winding down. His tone implying that the end of the conversation was near. And he was again, talking about Debbie. How what he was looking for and what he'd hoped she was and what actually turned out to be were two different things. He went onto to explain that he wanted a girl that he didn't have to “teach” this stuff to, as he'd said many times before. He wanted someone who already knew how to be a good Jewish woman and wife, etc. To me this was an off handed way of telling me both “Can you be this?” and “You most definitely are not, and cannot be this.”
Finally after repeating these things for the umpteenth time in our conversation my agitation was getting the best of me.
“Well, good luck finding that,” I said sarcastically and somewhat annoyed. “You are looking for the perfect Jewish wife. Someone who grew up in it! You're not looking for a wife! Not everyone has the time and resources and energy that you do to spend on such deep study. From your description you're looking for the female version of YOU!!!”
Immediately he sounded repentant. “No, no, no!!!” He was back peddling. “That's not what I mean at all. I just want someone who's willing to LEARN.” He continued on, but I don't remember what all was said. (By this this point for me, writing this all down, its August 2010.) But, again he hinted at what he was looking for with the double-edge in his voice as the minutes went on.
My eyes narrowed. Why was he doing this? What was the point? Did he think I was fawning all over him or something? We hardly spoke!!! Why would he be sitting there telling me how wrong I was for him? Seriously!
He let the last hint-- insinuation,-- hang. I didn't speak right away. To me the several seconds of silence after his last word was poignant.
I had enough. I was through being passively polite. “Do you know what really ticks me off,” I asked, a menacing hint to my tone, giving him at least some warning that this had to do with him.
“What?” He was weary and rightly so.
“I'm trying to figure all this stuff out and you pawn me off on your mom and then she turns around and pawns it off on you! So I all I can assume is that you all don't want to talk about with me anymore.” I had to stop right there because I could feel my blood boiling beneath my skin. I didn't want to go too far. I was still attempting to be civil, though livid.
“I'm... sorry... I didn't know she had done that.” His voice sounded dead to me. Like he was either shocked or merely indifferent, as if he didn't really care one way or the other what had happened to cause my silence toward him.
Again, the words leave me. Its been too long since I thought of that conversation for me to remember what else was said. After he found his voice again he apologized a bit more sincerely-- but still off- for the miscommunication. I'm not sure, but the abnormally long time it took for him to regain his former tone may have been because several pieces to the puzzle were clicking into place; letting him understand my tone, attitude, and silence toward him over the last few months. But, thats only a guess. I could be way off.
The conversation picked up again on the Bible topic, not returning to Debbie or his views on woman and what he wanted in a wife. I was thankful for that. That set us back on the proper footing. I still needed answers and I desperately didn't want to be distracted by having too friendly feelings for him. It could cloud my judgment.
So, from that point on I maintained a more business-like tone with him. When we talked it was mostly about the Bible. Though occasionally he would complement me in someway and I would hear a sudden hesitation in his silence right after and he'd change the subject. Then I started to notice a pattern. Every time he would complement me, be it my hair, how he thought I was pretty, or whatever he would change his attitude toward me almost instantly. Negatively. Like he regretted saying it. His responses to my questions or statements would be very short for several days or weeks after, subtly harsh.
I told Jessica about the pattern and said, “You know, I'm not used to being complemented anyway. I wish he'd just stop it if he's going to act this way. It's almost as if he's acting like I made him say it and he didn't want to! I'm not holding a gun to his head! He just needs to grow up!”
But, despite the complement problem we continued communicate, the way we did (texting every other week or so with intermittent calls every few months), on better terms from then on... mostly.
I told Trish about Second Call of 2009 the next day and she thought/thinks his an ass. Ha ha. He definitely has his moments, and unfortunately sometimes... a lot of the time... that's all I can see because of the gaps between calls and texts. But all his selfish, self-centered, irritating behavior is/was always surrounded by a genuine heart. I couldn't doubt his sincerity. I truly believe, to this day, even when he has unknowingly made me cry over some of the things he said and done, that he is a good man. He's just dense. Good lord is he dense. When it comes to speaking socially or just to woman in general anyway. He's not purposefully insensitive. He's just completely unaware of what to look for-- the signs that he'd screwed up or is treading on very dangerous ground.
He is like me in having a painfully soft heart, but the difference is is that he's man. I, as a woman, have borne in qualities that guide me to know when to shut up, when somethings inappropriate, and the ability to read an environment or someones tone or expression. Woman in general are much more attuned to that sort of thing-- though not all of them act accordingly to what they see. But, that's a whole other issue.
True, we both have built brick walls around ourselves, hearts especially, in hopes of deterring another fatal or nearly fatal attack. The difference between him and me though is that I've spent the better part of the last 6 years working on tearing them down. I've not completely succeeded, but there's definitely some big chunks missing. I focused on finding out how they came to be in the first place. When was the first brick laid? Who had caused it? Where did all the others come from? Why do I always react the way I do? What was is that really scared me?
It was a painful process, but it needed to be done. So many tears from so many wounds that just wouldn't heal unless I acknowledged them. That didn't make them vanish immediately though. I just knew what the problem was and so I learned how to deal with it better. At least, better than I had been. I still have a lot to learn. But, my old wounds still flair up excruciatingly now and again.
A few weeks before Easter Chad had texted me and told me that he was coming home and asked if I would like to come home to Wichita so we could meet in the middle. I told him sure and he was excited. So was I. I was also nervous. I hadn't seen him or the rest of his family since I was 16.
I stayed with Jessica when I went home. I was supposed to go to the Talgan home in Henrietta at about 3:00PM. He gave me directions to the house in the middle of nowhere and I still managed to pass it. But, I finally got there and followed him inside. He looked different, yet still the same. He was taller, a bit more filled out-- he'd always been very skinny as a teenager-- maybe a few pounds overweight, but so was I. I was smaller than I had been even months before, but not where I wanted to be in time for this meeting.
It was awkward at first... well, the whole time really. Finally it was Rebbecca that brought up the Bible stuff that I had wanted to talk about. It was a long discussion that lasted well into the evening. Actually I noticed as the light disappeared outside and it got darker inside, no body made a move to turn on a lamp. Instead they each had laptops which cast a dim glow on them where they sat. By this point it was just me, Chad, and Rebbecca with Sarah at the kitchen table nearby. The rest had disappeared elsewhere with no interest in our conversation. Finally the lamps came on by themselves. They informed me later on that they were set on timers. Part of their beliefs as far as the Sabbath goes was about a verse in the Old Testament that stated that you shall not cast a spark or kindle a flame on the Sabbath. I inadvertently jerked back, shocked. I was not expecting that.
Chad busted out laughing and Rebbecca, looking pointedly at her son, though smiling, accused, “I told you she'd react to that! Though I wasn't quite expecting THAT,” she jutted her finger at me.
I composed myself with chagrin and apologized.
Anyway, the evening passed slowly and they invited me to stay for dinner. They ended the Sabbath with a traditional ceremony that I had never seen before. My feeling of awkwardness only worsened as the rest of them filed in. It took them forever to get something together for dinner. She was going to cook something, but ended up just heated up leftovers. I was very weak by the time we ate, but I didn't say anything. I just kept sneaking glucose tabs from my purse; they didn't help much.
It was around 11 or 11:30 when I left. I called Jess on my way back to her house and asked her to have some food ready. They ate weird things and I had only eaten enough to sustain me.
The next day I drove back to Austin. I keep thinking over my conversation with Rebbecca and the things she said and showed me. A lot more made sense, but more questions arose. But oddly enough I couldn't find words for the questions. It was more of a feeling. I just wanted to know more.
Once I got home that night I got online and looked up Messianic congregations in Austin. I found one called Zion. The next day while at work I called the number listed and no one answered so I hung up without leaving a message. I was in the middle of changing a diaper (by the way I am a nanny. Just so you don't get confused if I say something like that.) about 30 minutes later when I heard my phone ringing in the other room. I went and looked at the missed call. It was an Austin number that I didn't recognize. So, I called it back and what was the answer on the other end but, "Rabbi Hall."
I was stunned for a moment then finally told him who I was and a very brief summery of my problem and where I was coming from. He was very nice and told me that he had the answers that I was looking for and if he didn't then he would find out and invited me to come to service on the next Shabbat (Saturday).
So, I went. It was interesting. And long. I should've brought something to eat because by the time he got up to preach I couldn't focus. So i went back and watched it all online the next day with Mom and Lynn. All three of us said had to admit he'd said nothing that we disagreed with. Which quite frankly was shocking coming from them!
I also went to the Torah Study on Thursday after work and that was also interesting. I wish I had a better word to describe all this, but I don't. Sorry. There's just nothing to compare it to.
After going to Zion for a few weeks my mom urged me to email her/our paster about Messianic Judaism. He's the main minister at the Cowboy Church close by. A Non-Denominational church, but honestly it's closer to Southern Baptist. His response was very short. "What you have to remember is that Jesus is our savior. The Jews still believe that Jesus hasn't come the first time, which was the Crucifixion. We believe in the Bible not the Torah. Be very careful with your friend and don't argue. We do not live under the Law, we live under grace."
My response to that was actually quite long as I obviously knew more about the subject than he did... which is sad. (I shook my head at the comment about the Torah. HELLO! THE TORAH IS PART OF THE BIBLE PREACHER-MAN!!) But, I did it nicely. My mom even read it to make sure it wasn't rude. And when she read it, she finally understood (at least somewhat... more than she did before) what was struggling with.
I gave up on any advise from the pastor, not that I wanted it in the first place. After I had been going to Zion for a couple of months Mom arranged for us to have lunch one Sunday with Connie and Gary from their church. Gary is Jewish by lineage, he was raised as a Jew, but converted to Christianity in the 70's.
It didn't take me long to figure out that this was an intervention. He was telling me that Jesus made void the Law, just as the church taught, and besides that I am a Gentile therefore none of it applies to me anyway. I was beyond irritated, but I maintained my polite civility. After they left Mom asked what I thought and I told her that I would continue on as I had because it is my faith not Gary's that I'm worried about. I will make my own decisions.
She was disgruntled, but let it go... for a bit.
(MORE IN THE NEXT BLOG)
“Nov 14, 2008
Hey Rebbecca! How are you? I hope you're doing well! I'm sure Chad has told you I've been asking him questions about Messianic Judaism. Truth be told I understood what he was saying on the phone better rather than email. I think on the emails there was some major mis-communications going on on both our sides. But, when I was talking to him on the phone a lot of what he said made sense, but there is still a lot that I don't know or didn't quite get. There was a lot of information... I've been trying to do my own research on the subject for the last couple of months but all I seem to find online is articles and arguments from/and to Jewish Rabbis, and Christan observers with big qualms about the whole thing. Not Helping...
I was wondering if you had any suggestions on where to start? Where did you start in your own research into the subject? Can you recommend some books I can lay my hands on?
I had kinda been talking to Mom about the whole thing (researching Messianic Judaism and what Chad had said... from what I understood) and slowly over the last few weeks she's changed her major apprehension about my looking into it. In a conversation I had with her about it last Sunday she actually said, to my surprise, that she trusted my judgment, because to me if its in the Bible, if someone can show me in black and white, beyond a shadow of a doubt its in there I have no problem believing it. I am very much in a "prove it" mind set when it come to religion.
I know this is a lot to ask of someone I haven't seen in about ten years, and we really haven't caught up or anything, but its been on my mind and I really feel stuck. Chad is very busy and though very knowledgeable about it is not available very often (understandably).
So, with all that said. I hope your doing well and Mom says Hi!
Always,
Crystal”
Rebbecca's reply.
“Nov. 16, 2008
It is good to hear from you. I think of you and your Mother so very often. I wonder many times what became of all of you. I dearly loved your mother and counted her as a best friend. I hate that we lost touch. I do hope that I never did anything to cause that.
I am more than willing to talk about my first love and that is G_d. If I don’t know the answer I will find it!..
I will be happy to help you in your search if I can in any way you would like. It would really help if you tell me what you are wondering about. Basically we need a starting point because I could get going and going and going and you would be doing the too much info too fast. So anyway before I say too much let me know what more specifically you are looking at. Where you are stuck, that sort of thing. There are so many areas that we could start so help me out with that please.
The children have always been taught to keep the commands and they were also always taught Torah (the five books of Moses) basically they were taught and ingrained the Old Testament. I am not sure what all Chad told you or what your interests are so help me out there. I started out on this journey when I was a very young child. I would ask questions since things I was being taught didn’t jive with what I saw as simple black and white truth of the Bible. The older I got the more questions I asked and more trouble I got into. I continued seeking answers asking questions and studying the Word of the Most High. Needless to say being raised in a Old Testament taught home and then passing that on to my children I knew what the Word said as did the children. I did as much study as I could on my own not really knowing where else to look for answers. There are so many books out there you just don’t know where to start or stop. What is good what is truth stuff like that. My cousin finally pointed me to Monte Judah he is with the Lion and the Lamb ministries. He did teach me a great deal but I out grew him fairly fast. I mostly study what the Rabbis teach now (I figure they have been studying longer and know way more than any of us). The ancient writings the Talmud, Mishnah, things like that. Needless to say that does not mean we do not study Torah. We do daily. The Bible is the foundation of everything. Anyway I can give you books I have read or try to answer any questions you have and give scripture to back it up. I will stop rambling on until I know exactly what I am rambling about. I would suggest strongly that you check into First Fruits of Zion. They have so far been excellent in what I have seen. We don’t agree with everything but it is not likely we will ever until the Messiah returns and straightens all of us out.
By the way, we do not call ourselves Messianic (I think Chad does). We have not had a very good experience with them. We prefer to refer to ourselves as Torah obedient, we are a little too Orthodox for most of them. I am not sure that FFOZ is really considered Messianic either they do believe in the Messiah and teach his ways but they are very Orthodox also.
I could go so much more into it but I will stop for now until I hear from you about more specifics. It would be great if we could get together sometime and just spend some time talking about all of this.
I will get this off to you before something happens.
I anxiously await your reply,
Rebbecca Talgan”
My response.
“Nov 16, 2008
Hey thanks for your quick reply! My mom counted you as a dear friend as well and no you are not at fault for loss of contact. My family was going through a hard time and didn't really settle back down until around 2002.
I guess as far as my questions... where to start?... From what I understand you guys believe in both the old and the new testament but focus more on the five books of Moses. How are you (if you do) combining Law and Grace? I was always taught its one or the other, not both.
And according to Chad you believe that Jesus is the Messiah that was prophesied in the Old Testament and you regard him as such. If that is the case why do you not celebrate his birth?
Are you basically going by the traditions and culture of the Jewish people along with the belief in Jesus Christ as the Messiah?
And I agree that sitting down face to face would be great. I am coming home (Wichita Falls) for Christmas maybe we can get together then?
Hope to hear from you soon!
Always,
Crystal”
Here's a funny little note, when I was writing this I was at Mom's sitting at the kitchen table with my lap top. Mom was helping me figure out what I wanted to say because my head was so filled will random information it was difficult to focus on one thing at a time. Anyway, when I got to the part of “From what I understand ...” (initially it said “From what I understand from talking to Chad...”) my fingers hesitated uncertainly on the keys for a long moment. Mom, who was sitting next to me watching the screen, kind of chuckled and said “Nothing... I understand nothing!” We both had to laugh.
Rebbecca's reply.
“Nov 18, 2008
Just for a fast one to give you something to chew on until I can get you some real meat. I have been a little extra occupied so have not gotten to this yet. I do want to give you all scripture bases for everything I tell you so give me some time for this please. Some will be historical documentation but I will give all I can get together.
I will most likely address one thing at a time. First subject: The Law and Grace.
They are one.... without grace there would be no Law and without the law there would be no grace. The rest of the story to come...
Now look up these verses just to start you out.
Deuteronomy 11:13, 11:22
Matt 22:37
Mark 12:30
Luke 10:27
Now, think about what it means to truly love the Lord your G_d with all you heart and with all your strength and with all your resources?
Then go ahead a finish reading Deuteronomy 11.
Deut 12:28,32
Deut 5
that should be enough to start this. Please do not limit your reading to just the specific verses I put down read all of the chapter if you can but make notes of the specifics. I am sure I missed some important stuff but I am trying to do this really fast. Please forgive that.
Also before I go on. I do not in any way want to offend you so please if I ever say anything that seems offensive let me know, it was not meant to be.
In the service of the Most High
Rebbecca”
So, I looked up these scriptures and they all said the same thing. “To love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and strength.” This did little to help me understand Law and Grace... Actually, it did nothing to help. I didn't see the connection. Every time I asked what that had to do with my question it only seemed to irritate her, like my ignorance was seriously testing the limits of her patience... I tried to sympathize, but I was refusing to try and make a false connection for her sake.
My response.
“Nov 19, 2008 10:21 PM
Okay, I looked up what you gave me and I don't see the whole/entire connection to Law and Grace. I understand to love the Lord with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength means to obey his commands and decrees but what does that have to do with the Covenants?
Crystal”
Rebbecca's reply.
“Dec 4, 2008 6:27 PM
Crystal,
I am sorry I have not gotten back to you. Things have been beyond hectic then I got sick and each member of the family so nobody is feeling too great right now. I have not forgotten about you
Rachel “
My frustration with the large time spans between communication for this family was REALLY starting to get on my nerves by this point. This was a big deal, at least to me, and I wanted answers dammit! And it seemed that everyone was reluctant to give it to me for some reason. Why were they skating around the subject? What was the big deal?Blunt and honest, that's how I roll... When it comes to this at least.
Though I felt there was some truth in what Chad had told me another annoying thought began to creep up in my mind every time I sensed the evasive answers poking their ugly heads into their replies. If this was based in black and white Truth, and they truly believe what they're telling me, then why are they having such a hard time spitting it out?
Christmas came and I, of course, went home to Wichita for the event. Though it was less than a happy occasion thanks to a certain member of my family causing me to outright tell my mother that I refused to go to their get together. I, of course, was guilted into going anyway. An event that wasn't as bad as it could've been thanks to my Aunt Cheryl who told someone else to keep their mouth shut or they could leave. :) This person has always caused me massive amounts of stress that it came to the point where when I come home most of the time they are NOT to know I am there otherwise its almost too much for me to bare nicely.
When I got to Wichita I stayed with Dad and spent my time either with him when he wasn't working or with Jess and DJ. I was happy with this arrangement.
Another small oddity I hadn't expected when I went home was that I spent some time with a 14 year old girl named Brandy. I used to baby sit her when she was 3 and lived next door with her Grandma Eve. I'd seen her randomly throughout the years as I'd visit my former home and watched as she grew taller, then wider, then a bit thinner again. But I'd never really spoken to her.
So, it was a surprise to see her come knock on my Dad's front door one day. She was delivering a picture she had drawn for him. It was very good. Very detailed. She definitely had talent and a steady hand.
She was wearing a Twilight shirt and I commented on it and that got us to talking. The conversation veered from the book series to her life, which was a troubled thing... I could relate. She was similar to me, but the non-Christian version. It dawned on me as I was talking to her that I could've been just like her had it not been for my upbringing. For my Mom. She was a bit goth, a bit emo. Dark, like I had been, but more outward about it. I was never one to draw attention to myself... She was screaming for it because she wasn't getting it at home.
She threw herself at boys much older than herself giving me the impression, though she claimed otherwise, that she was sexually active. She seemed to be the kind of person that might have turned to drugs to attempt to escape her turmoil. I doubt she would admit it to me because of the impression I gave.
I listened attentively asking questions here and there and interjecting my own experiences. I tried to let her know what I had gone through without telling her too much. Many of my issues had to do with my father and she as well as her whole family were very close to him now. I didn't want to cause trouble. So, I told her, “My Dad has not always been the man you know. Growing up I hated him. Not even joking. And I thought he hated me and my brother.” I went on to tell her my story, edited of course, and she seemed to really appreciate our conversation. She left to go back to her house five hours later when her little brother came and said her mother wanted her.
I did find out after I had gone home that Brandy had been turned into the school principal and sent to Red River (mental institution) for a couple of weeks for cutting herself in the bathroom. My heart broke for her.
Anyway, the next day after talking to Brandy, Jess and DJ had come over and we were just killing time until our movie started when Brandy came back. She handed me a piece of paper folded in thirds cut with tapered scissors around the edges and told me it was a present. I opened it up and she'd drawn my name vertically with jagged lines and faded colors in the background. I thought she'd just been doodling like I used to do-- but much better-- and thanked her for it. Then, as I looked more carefully, I saw amidst the jagged lines she'd written other words. “Beauty through broken glass.” I almost wanted to cry... But, I didn't. I don't do that in public. But, it did touch me.
Another small part of this Christmas story was that I was supposed to see Chad while I was home. He texted me while he was driving from Arkansas to Texas, but after he gotten there I didn't hear from him again. Though I offered for him to come with me and my friends to see a movie. (Twilight-- but, I didn't tell him which one it was. Worst movie ever. LOVED the book. HATED the movie.) Never got a reply. So, I gritted my teeth, taking the hint and left him alone. He'd had enough of me. I get it. No need to make a spectacle of myself.
So, I went on with my life. Still searching for the answers. Studying persistently every night till I fell asleep which was usually about two or three in the morning. I tried not to think about Chad and the help I needed from him. It would do me no good to let my thoughts drift there. He'd made it perfectly clear by his silence that he had no interest in being my friend... and that was fine... or so I fervently repeated over and over to myself.
January came, as well as an unexpected email.
“Jan 19, 2009 6:41 PM
Hello Crystal
I am sorry we missed you and this is too late for your last visit but, for next time. The home phone is 555-555-5555.
Tell your Mother I said hello, I would love to see her again some day. I hope all is well with her and you too.
Sorry I have not written. It does seem I have no time for anything. I have been so busy and now kidding season is here. We had our first little buckling born this morning. We have three more girls due throughout the next two weeks and then we will be into Feb we have four due then and then four more in March. Wow. Pray for doelings from here on out. This little buck should fetch a good price but naturally you have to find the right buyer. G_d willing we will receive a good price for him. He certainly is a good one.
Must get to supper. Just in from the barn and have not even started supper.
love,
Rebbecca”
And a second.
“Jan 19, 2009 6:50 PM
Crystal
Just a really fast one since I really need to get to supper.
Chad tells me I don't understand because even with being in the church I wasn't really in the church. I get what he is talking about. That is why there are so many things I did not realize were being taught by the church. I just didn't pay attention. My parents taught Torah (the five books of Moses) at home and this could get long so I will not go on for now. Anyway for me there is not separation I cannot understand them as separated. The law is the covenant. If you break the law you break the covenant. That is why Israel was sent into exile so many times. They broke the covenant. Chad said he understands the church way of thinking better than I do so I guess he would be better to explain it in a way it would make sense to you. I am sorry I am no help.
Okay,I really am off now my beeper is going off so bye
Rebbecca”
The final nail in the coffin. Or the brush off, as I saw it. Fine. Chad pawned me off on his mom. His mom pawns me off on him... Officially, nobody wants to help me. “Well fine. Screw you! “ I thought. “I don't need them. I'll figure this out on my own. Who needs 'em?”
It was too big of a problem to just drop. Now that I understood the gravity of the issue and how it seemed to click with all my hesitations about things I had always been taught, I couldn't ignore it. There was no going back to the way things were just because I was without help or resources. The answer was out there and I was going to find it... It may take me years, but I was certainly going to do my best to discover it. This nagging empty space in my heart was not some superficial, emotional hurt. It was rooted much deeper. God didn't intent for us to be full of holes. I had to find out what pieces were missing.
And honestly, I wasn't doing that good on my own. I felt like I was treading water in the middle of the ocean, not a boat in sight. But still, I kept on. Mom, I'm sure was waiting patiently for me to stop searching as I “already knew the Truth” and plus the fact that Chad had seemed to have taken himself out of the picture. Mom was still operating under the misapprehension that this was all about HIM no matter how many times I explained what was really going on.... It was very frustrating. No one ever listens to me. Why is that? Geez.
Come late February in 2009 I was sitting on my bed after just getting home from work when my phone rings. Usually its Jessica who calls me at night, but it was like eight o'clock. She never calls 'til after she's put Brayden to bed. I look at my phone only to reveal my caller ID says “Chad Simpson.” I'm apprehensive. It's not making sense. The few text conversations we'd had since Christmas tended to be about the weather and those were fleeting.
I stared at the phone for a moment, deciding whether or not to answer it. Finally I do answer, but with the mental resolve to not bring up the Bible. If he does thats fine, but I will not broach a subject he has no interest in talking to me about. I'm sure I was a bit edgy at first, despite my attempt at casual off-handedness. I eventually pulled it off I think. We talked for about an hour and a half or so, not once mentioning the forbidden subject.... I let it go. It just cemented in my mind that he had gotten really annoyed with my failed, yet fervent, attempts to decipher his ramblings into coherent truths in answer to my questions.
So, he was speaking to me, but with limitations. Based on his previous pattern, I wouldn't expect any more communication from him for at least another month or so, and even then it would be nothing more than a text. So, I was definitely surprised when he called not a week and a half, two weeks later. Again, I answered, but with the same condition that I will not bring up the Bible.
It was nearly three hours and the conversation was sort of winding down-- it's really hard to tell when talking to Chad. He'll take the smallest thread of a thought and run with it and we'll end up talking for another three hours. He, again, was talking about Debbie, his ex-girlfriend, as he often did. The fact that he talked about her didn't bother me; she was a big part of his life for a while, of course she was going to make in impact. But, eventually HOW MUCH he talked about her started to get on my nerves. But, I never said anything. I responded as detached and diplomatically as I could as a third party observer- based on first parties opinion. I found myself arguing or suggesting reasons for her reactions to him and what he would do and say based on what he'd told me of her and on my knowledge of woman in general. It is rather difficult sometimes though because I have never been a typical girl.
But, he began HINTING at things again, as he sometimes would when talking to me. As if italicizing certain parts of his speech that would pertain to the type of woman he was looking for and the like.
I must make mention that I don't take hints. I get them. I understand them. But, I do not react to them unless its an invitation to leave or that I'm not wanted. If he has something to say to me he must SAY IT. Not hint, but out right SAY IT.
Anyway, back to our second phone conversation of 2009. It was probably almost midnight when he seemed to be winding down. His tone implying that the end of the conversation was near. And he was again, talking about Debbie. How what he was looking for and what he'd hoped she was and what actually turned out to be were two different things. He went onto to explain that he wanted a girl that he didn't have to “teach” this stuff to, as he'd said many times before. He wanted someone who already knew how to be a good Jewish woman and wife, etc. To me this was an off handed way of telling me both “Can you be this?” and “You most definitely are not, and cannot be this.”
Finally after repeating these things for the umpteenth time in our conversation my agitation was getting the best of me.
“Well, good luck finding that,” I said sarcastically and somewhat annoyed. “You are looking for the perfect Jewish wife. Someone who grew up in it! You're not looking for a wife! Not everyone has the time and resources and energy that you do to spend on such deep study. From your description you're looking for the female version of YOU!!!”
Immediately he sounded repentant. “No, no, no!!!” He was back peddling. “That's not what I mean at all. I just want someone who's willing to LEARN.” He continued on, but I don't remember what all was said. (By this this point for me, writing this all down, its August 2010.) But, again he hinted at what he was looking for with the double-edge in his voice as the minutes went on.
My eyes narrowed. Why was he doing this? What was the point? Did he think I was fawning all over him or something? We hardly spoke!!! Why would he be sitting there telling me how wrong I was for him? Seriously!
He let the last hint-- insinuation,-- hang. I didn't speak right away. To me the several seconds of silence after his last word was poignant.
I had enough. I was through being passively polite. “Do you know what really ticks me off,” I asked, a menacing hint to my tone, giving him at least some warning that this had to do with him.
“What?” He was weary and rightly so.
“I'm trying to figure all this stuff out and you pawn me off on your mom and then she turns around and pawns it off on you! So I all I can assume is that you all don't want to talk about with me anymore.” I had to stop right there because I could feel my blood boiling beneath my skin. I didn't want to go too far. I was still attempting to be civil, though livid.
“I'm... sorry... I didn't know she had done that.” His voice sounded dead to me. Like he was either shocked or merely indifferent, as if he didn't really care one way or the other what had happened to cause my silence toward him.
Again, the words leave me. Its been too long since I thought of that conversation for me to remember what else was said. After he found his voice again he apologized a bit more sincerely-- but still off- for the miscommunication. I'm not sure, but the abnormally long time it took for him to regain his former tone may have been because several pieces to the puzzle were clicking into place; letting him understand my tone, attitude, and silence toward him over the last few months. But, thats only a guess. I could be way off.
The conversation picked up again on the Bible topic, not returning to Debbie or his views on woman and what he wanted in a wife. I was thankful for that. That set us back on the proper footing. I still needed answers and I desperately didn't want to be distracted by having too friendly feelings for him. It could cloud my judgment.
So, from that point on I maintained a more business-like tone with him. When we talked it was mostly about the Bible. Though occasionally he would complement me in someway and I would hear a sudden hesitation in his silence right after and he'd change the subject. Then I started to notice a pattern. Every time he would complement me, be it my hair, how he thought I was pretty, or whatever he would change his attitude toward me almost instantly. Negatively. Like he regretted saying it. His responses to my questions or statements would be very short for several days or weeks after, subtly harsh.
I told Jessica about the pattern and said, “You know, I'm not used to being complemented anyway. I wish he'd just stop it if he's going to act this way. It's almost as if he's acting like I made him say it and he didn't want to! I'm not holding a gun to his head! He just needs to grow up!”
But, despite the complement problem we continued communicate, the way we did (texting every other week or so with intermittent calls every few months), on better terms from then on... mostly.
I told Trish about Second Call of 2009 the next day and she thought/thinks his an ass. Ha ha. He definitely has his moments, and unfortunately sometimes... a lot of the time... that's all I can see because of the gaps between calls and texts. But all his selfish, self-centered, irritating behavior is/was always surrounded by a genuine heart. I couldn't doubt his sincerity. I truly believe, to this day, even when he has unknowingly made me cry over some of the things he said and done, that he is a good man. He's just dense. Good lord is he dense. When it comes to speaking socially or just to woman in general anyway. He's not purposefully insensitive. He's just completely unaware of what to look for-- the signs that he'd screwed up or is treading on very dangerous ground.
He is like me in having a painfully soft heart, but the difference is is that he's man. I, as a woman, have borne in qualities that guide me to know when to shut up, when somethings inappropriate, and the ability to read an environment or someones tone or expression. Woman in general are much more attuned to that sort of thing-- though not all of them act accordingly to what they see. But, that's a whole other issue.
True, we both have built brick walls around ourselves, hearts especially, in hopes of deterring another fatal or nearly fatal attack. The difference between him and me though is that I've spent the better part of the last 6 years working on tearing them down. I've not completely succeeded, but there's definitely some big chunks missing. I focused on finding out how they came to be in the first place. When was the first brick laid? Who had caused it? Where did all the others come from? Why do I always react the way I do? What was is that really scared me?
It was a painful process, but it needed to be done. So many tears from so many wounds that just wouldn't heal unless I acknowledged them. That didn't make them vanish immediately though. I just knew what the problem was and so I learned how to deal with it better. At least, better than I had been. I still have a lot to learn. But, my old wounds still flair up excruciatingly now and again.
A few weeks before Easter Chad had texted me and told me that he was coming home and asked if I would like to come home to Wichita so we could meet in the middle. I told him sure and he was excited. So was I. I was also nervous. I hadn't seen him or the rest of his family since I was 16.
I stayed with Jessica when I went home. I was supposed to go to the Talgan home in Henrietta at about 3:00PM. He gave me directions to the house in the middle of nowhere and I still managed to pass it. But, I finally got there and followed him inside. He looked different, yet still the same. He was taller, a bit more filled out-- he'd always been very skinny as a teenager-- maybe a few pounds overweight, but so was I. I was smaller than I had been even months before, but not where I wanted to be in time for this meeting.
It was awkward at first... well, the whole time really. Finally it was Rebbecca that brought up the Bible stuff that I had wanted to talk about. It was a long discussion that lasted well into the evening. Actually I noticed as the light disappeared outside and it got darker inside, no body made a move to turn on a lamp. Instead they each had laptops which cast a dim glow on them where they sat. By this point it was just me, Chad, and Rebbecca with Sarah at the kitchen table nearby. The rest had disappeared elsewhere with no interest in our conversation. Finally the lamps came on by themselves. They informed me later on that they were set on timers. Part of their beliefs as far as the Sabbath goes was about a verse in the Old Testament that stated that you shall not cast a spark or kindle a flame on the Sabbath. I inadvertently jerked back, shocked. I was not expecting that.
Chad busted out laughing and Rebbecca, looking pointedly at her son, though smiling, accused, “I told you she'd react to that! Though I wasn't quite expecting THAT,” she jutted her finger at me.
I composed myself with chagrin and apologized.
Anyway, the evening passed slowly and they invited me to stay for dinner. They ended the Sabbath with a traditional ceremony that I had never seen before. My feeling of awkwardness only worsened as the rest of them filed in. It took them forever to get something together for dinner. She was going to cook something, but ended up just heated up leftovers. I was very weak by the time we ate, but I didn't say anything. I just kept sneaking glucose tabs from my purse; they didn't help much.
It was around 11 or 11:30 when I left. I called Jess on my way back to her house and asked her to have some food ready. They ate weird things and I had only eaten enough to sustain me.
The next day I drove back to Austin. I keep thinking over my conversation with Rebbecca and the things she said and showed me. A lot more made sense, but more questions arose. But oddly enough I couldn't find words for the questions. It was more of a feeling. I just wanted to know more.
Once I got home that night I got online and looked up Messianic congregations in Austin. I found one called Zion. The next day while at work I called the number listed and no one answered so I hung up without leaving a message. I was in the middle of changing a diaper (by the way I am a nanny. Just so you don't get confused if I say something like that.) about 30 minutes later when I heard my phone ringing in the other room. I went and looked at the missed call. It was an Austin number that I didn't recognize. So, I called it back and what was the answer on the other end but, "Rabbi Hall."
I was stunned for a moment then finally told him who I was and a very brief summery of my problem and where I was coming from. He was very nice and told me that he had the answers that I was looking for and if he didn't then he would find out and invited me to come to service on the next Shabbat (Saturday).
So, I went. It was interesting. And long. I should've brought something to eat because by the time he got up to preach I couldn't focus. So i went back and watched it all online the next day with Mom and Lynn. All three of us said had to admit he'd said nothing that we disagreed with. Which quite frankly was shocking coming from them!
I also went to the Torah Study on Thursday after work and that was also interesting. I wish I had a better word to describe all this, but I don't. Sorry. There's just nothing to compare it to.
After going to Zion for a few weeks my mom urged me to email her/our paster about Messianic Judaism. He's the main minister at the Cowboy Church close by. A Non-Denominational church, but honestly it's closer to Southern Baptist. His response was very short. "What you have to remember is that Jesus is our savior. The Jews still believe that Jesus hasn't come the first time, which was the Crucifixion. We believe in the Bible not the Torah. Be very careful with your friend and don't argue. We do not live under the Law, we live under grace."
My response to that was actually quite long as I obviously knew more about the subject than he did... which is sad. (I shook my head at the comment about the Torah. HELLO! THE TORAH IS PART OF THE BIBLE PREACHER-MAN!!) But, I did it nicely. My mom even read it to make sure it wasn't rude. And when she read it, she finally understood (at least somewhat... more than she did before) what was struggling with.
I gave up on any advise from the pastor, not that I wanted it in the first place. After I had been going to Zion for a couple of months Mom arranged for us to have lunch one Sunday with Connie and Gary from their church. Gary is Jewish by lineage, he was raised as a Jew, but converted to Christianity in the 70's.
It didn't take me long to figure out that this was an intervention. He was telling me that Jesus made void the Law, just as the church taught, and besides that I am a Gentile therefore none of it applies to me anyway. I was beyond irritated, but I maintained my polite civility. After they left Mom asked what I thought and I told her that I would continue on as I had because it is my faith not Gary's that I'm worried about. I will make my own decisions.
She was disgruntled, but let it go... for a bit.
(MORE IN THE NEXT BLOG)
My Journey: The Beginning (1)
Note: Names have been changed to protect certain peoples identity and integrity.
On May 6th, 2009 I found a journal that I had gotten a year earlier while sifting through things as I packed to move. I remembered it as I looked at the spiral bound book. It was called a R.E.A.P Journal, Read Examine Application Prayer. I had gotten it from The Austin Stone, my brother's non-denominational church, the last time I visited. I opened it up to the first page and began to read. There was only one entry, which isn't surprising because I've always been horrible about keeping daily diaries.
It was written 2-19-2008 according to the date in the corner. The verses being reflected on was Proverbs 13:2-20. I had written it out and put marks next to certain verses then made corresponding notations to the marks about how I related to what I saw in the verse. I won't tell you what I wrote there, because it is too personal. But, I will share with you the prayer written below it:
"Lord ,
I have long been absent from your presence. Wounds I thought (hoped) would heal with time on their own only fester. I cannot heal myself. I cannot make the hurt go away. I cannot rid myself of the side effects and personal impacts of my wounds. I trust only a few and long to be heard, but my voice will not speak for fear of being scorned. I have hidden myself so that no one can see me; but also I have forgotten what I look like. Only from memory do I know, and the sad and torn memories out number the good.
I cannot fix myself. I know only you can do that... I am so scared and so torn and so frightful .
For years it seems as if I've been in a pit, scrambling, clawing, begging, trying to get out, but no matter what I do or how I yell and scream I cannot find my way out.
I am alone... Utterly alone... Then , somewhere in my heart, I hear your whisper when I am still. Calling me. Telling me that if I would just seek you, you would be there to help me up; climb out of the pit and into the sunlight where the good that has long been hidden in the blackness of my despair could be found.
I am here now. I am reaching out to you. I cannot heal myself. I do not want to be alone anymore. I miss and long for the days when I was nearer to you. Lord, take my life and use it as you see fit for I am useless without you.
AMEN"
After I read this, sitting alone in my half packed apartment, I reflected on the events of the prior year and where they had lead me. Where God had very obviously moved and answered my prayer in ways I never imagined. Of course, I hadn't realized it until that moment.
The single entry in the REAP journal spoke volumes of my struggle. My struggle to cope with my past, my wounds. My struggle to and make the random jagged pieces of the puzzle that was my spiritual life fit together like I'm told they're supposed to. Told by my grandmother and mother mainly. During the last eight years or so I tried very hard to believe what they had always told me was true. But, as I got older it got harder and harder to honestly make the connections as they see/saw them.
In January of 2008 I found an old friend of mine from the home school group on MySpace: Chad “Talgan” Simpson. I had always known him as Chad Talgan thus the quotations. Anyway, in January I added him as a friend on MySpace and kind of forgot about him for several months... Wow. Thats sounds really bad. But, nonetheless true.
So, June or July rolls around and I am bored and going through my friends list on MySpace and come across his page. So, I open it up and what was the first thing I see but a bunch of Jewish stuff. I think this is odd, but continue on down the page. Then it came to the box near the bottom where it says:
____________________
Status: In A Relationship
Here For: Friends
Orientation: Straight
Religion: Jewish
Smoke/Drink: no/yes
Education: In College
____________________
Yeah-- my mouth fell open when I got to Religion. He grew up like I did. Christian. Baptist. And more than that, I had always considered Chad, more or less, like me. Both quiet, tended to over think/over analyze things and end up talking ourselves out of whatever it is we're stressing about. Also, we both have very strong moral values and family ties. So, all this being said I was rightfully shocked at this new information about my old friend.
My first thought was “What the heck happened here?” What had made this person I had thought to be so like me, at least at one point, make such a drastic leap? Had I missed something? Had he?
So, I emailed him, asking him questions about his change in religion. He clarified that he was a Messianic Jew not a “regular”- as I would say- Jew. This, of course, meant nothing to me. I understood the word “Jew.” And Jews rejected Christ. I was so pissed. How could he do such a thing?!
Again, he clarified- over several long, confusing, complex emails- that he was “Messianic.” Meaning a Jew that believes Christ was/is the Messiah. Basically a Christian Jew as us gentiles would say, though he vehemently rejects that term.
This made me feel a little better. At least he hadn't totally gone off the deep end. But, I was curious how that would actually work; being Jewish and Christian. So the email conversations continued.
Now, it took several emails for me to understand THAT little bit of information. The emails, his and mine, we're generally several weeks apart. He didn't check his email too often and I spent weeks trying to decode the ones he sent me. He rambled(s) like nobodies business. I sent copies of the emails to my brother, my Mother, and my best friends Jessica and DJ. At any one point, on any given evening over the course of about five months I would have have Mom and Lynn (my stepdad), DJ, Jess, and Jess's parents searching out the stuff in the emails and the verses we had always known to disprove them. Again, the verses I was spouting, the ones my friends and family were spouting at me seemed off. Not necessarily flimsy, but not quite fitting somehow. (I later realized that the reason for that was because most of the verses being used were out of context for the appointed topic! But, I'm jumping ahead.)
In the back of my mind as I searched my arsenal of Biblical knowledge, something was still-- off. Something was missing in my own faith or knowledge of the Bible. I've never had a great recall when it comes to the Bible. I'll remember vague general details I'd read or heard at church or from my Grandparents or my brother's friends, but that was about it.
After the first two emails or so from Chad I ended up in the hospital for four days and almost died from an ecoli bladder infection that had actually gotten into my bloodstream. Needless to say I was not in good spirits and got every depressed. Plus I was extremely angry at my Mother, who for nearly three days wouldn't take me to the doctor- trying to save money... Also my brother was actually going to grace them with his presence and therefore she was very focused on getting the house ready for him and Lindsay, his wife, when they came over on Sunday for lunch.
I couldn't drive. My senses were too badly altered for the task by that point. I was in a tremendous amount of pain. I could barely walk and had a difficult enough time trying to find at least a semi-comfortable position to lay in- which was on my right side-ish and even THAT was uncomfortable. Saturday night I passed out several times in the bathroom. I called Mom and she sounded like she really didn't want to come and take me to the hospital. She thought it might just be my blood sugar (I am hypoglycemic), though I seriously had my doubts. I know what low blood sugar feels like and that wasn't it.
The next morning Jess called to check on me and I told her what had happened with the passing out and all, and what Mom had said. She was pissed at my mother and kept telling me to go to the ER. I told her I couldn't drive and I cant afford for an ambulance to come and get me; I was uninsured. I had no one else to call. My friend Hunter had moved to Korea a month before and he was the only one who I knew I could've called for help.
Finally at 2PM on Sunday I took Jessica's advice and called Mom and demanded that she take me to the ER. Begrudgingly she agreed and showed up at my house (a 20 minute drive) at 5:30PM. She tried to nurse me herself, still not liking the idea of taking me to the ER, hoping that I could just hold out and go to my regular doctor the next day. She called the On-Call doctor and told him what my symptoms were and he said to take me to the ER immediately. By 7PM we arrive at the ER (2 blocks from my house). 11PM I was admitted into the hospital. My dad came down the next morning from Burk and stayed with me, thank the Lord.
Over the next three days I was poked and prodded, having blood drawn every few hours. Finally, we found out what was wrong. Ecoli bladder infection that had gotten into my bloodstream and was on its way to my kidneys. The doctor also said that had we waited even a day longer I would probably have died. And if I did, by some miracle, survive, I would have needed to be on dialysis for the rest of my life... I was livid.
So, in my depressed state of mind I hardly turned my computer on much less try to respond to complicated emails. Several days after I had been home from the hospital I got an email from Chad, obviously worried. It said:
“Sept. 21, 2008
I read over what I wrote you last and thought there may have been some things that may have come across as a little harsh towards Christians and Messianics that I disagree with. I hope this is not the reason I have not heard from you. If it is please forgive me. I have not changed since our families were close in the fact that I often do not think before I speak-- or in this case, type. If anything was hurtful, please allow me to correct it. One thing I do not want is to offend a fellow sister in Messiah. It was great hearing from you. Your family has always meant the word to me, especially you and Dallas. I just hope I have not hurt the chance of us being friends again.
Sincerely I Remain Your Servant
Chad”
Though I didn't feel like communicating with anyone as I was still unwell from my illness, guilt for causing him worry over took my selfish need for peace and rest. I had to respond.
“Sept. 21, 2008
No, I was not offended. I've been in the hospital since I last heard from you. I've only been out since last Thursday. Had an ecoli bladder infection that was going to my kidneys. Almost didn't catch it. They said if they didn't get it when they did I wouldn't have made it.
Before I got sick I was still in the process of researching the content of your email.
No worries. You did not offend me to the point of my not talking to you anymore.
Talk to you later.
Crystal”
I know. Not the most eloquent thing I've ever written, but hey, I was delirious from pain and medications. Give me a break.
His response was surprisingly prompt.
“Sept. 21, 2008
I am so sorry you were sick and am very happy you made it through! I am glad you were not offended, I do get carried away at times. I pray you have a speedy recovery!
Chad”
I don't remember when I actually responded to the last “explanation” email, but I remember being very blunt in my opinion regarding some things he'd said about more questions on Messianic Judaism. It was a while between the email I had sent and his response. So, about 2 or so weeks afterward I sent another. (I'm currently finding it very irritating not being able to remember exactly what my questions were and his answers. I just remember my reactions. Too much has happened since then.... Plus the fact that I found it maddening difficult to word my questions and concerns at the time didn't help matters much either.)
“Oct. 7. 2008
Hey I hope my last email didn't offend you. I am just trying to understand your statements. If I did I am sorry and hope you'll forgive me. Anyway, hope you're doing well.
Crystal”
His response.
“Oct. 9, 2008
No not at all, I must have written something that appeared that way and if that is the case, I did not mean for it. I ask that you forgive my zeal, and not take it as being offended. I am glad you are curious about what I believe. Next time I will be sure to proof read and make sure I am more careful. This is why I prefer to talk, it is easy to mis-type and mis-read, of which I am guilty of both. It is therefore I who should apologize. Forgive my carelessness.
I am doing well and hope you are too. The family is coming up to see next week and I am excited. It has been a while.
I really do mean it when I say I hope to see you again. I am not quite as shy around women as I once was and I think we could be much better friends now that I am not so much of a chicken. I have changed so much that in reality I doubt you would find much if any of what you knew.
Take care, and many blessings.
Me”
My mouth fell open when he said he needed to make sure and “proof read” his emails before he sends them. I was thinking, “You write a freaking BOOK over email and you're not proofing it before you send it! What the heck, man?” I shook my head. No wonder half of the stuff he said was next to impossible to understand. I'm sure if he'd read it first he'd've been confused too!
But, I couldn't say that to him. It would be rude, and I was raised to be respectful even when someone does something really... yeah, I'm gonna stop there. I was frustrated, lets just leave it at that.
My response.
“Oct 10, 2008
Okay, no problem. Starting over sounds like a good idea. Oh, and tell me what you're doing these days... I'm not sure that I asked that. I told mom that I had talked to you on here and she asked what you did and I realized that I had no idea... or couldn't remember.
It would be great to see you again. Though I must admit I don't remember you being THAT shy around woman/girls. I mean, you tended to be shy a bit in general, but I didn't notice it especially when you were around woman.
And I'm sure you would think that the girl you knew some ten or so years ago has nearly disappeared. Or at least, that's my opinion. I finally found my voice a year or so after I graduated. I always thought most peoples opinion of me was that of a girl who would accept whatever you said, a doormat, easily forgotten or dismissed. I finally had enough of that and started speaking up. I try my hardest not to purposefully offend people, mind you. And if I ever do offend you I apologize in advance and please know it was not done knowingly.
Anyway, I hope to hear your response to my last inquiry, that is if you still have the email. If you don't let me know and I'll resend it.
Thank you for being so open and informative.
Crystal”
His response.
“Oct 11, 2008
I am glad we can...few get second chances, I am fortunate.
I am in college about to complete my second and start my 3rd year in Business. I have pretty much been single since I was 16 save a relationship that I entered into a year ago last month and ended this summer. I will be 25 this Dec. I feel like my youth is leaving me...single. I have been working for "The Bug Man" as a termite technician for the past 2.5 years and counting. Pretty good job and hey it pays the bills and lets me go to the movies once in a while. I have become a musician, I play bass guitar, guitar, aux percussion, even have a cello-just can't play it yet. That pretty much sums it up. I drive a pretty cool car, its small fast, but looks like a normal car-what we geeks call a "sleeper".
I was pretty much shy all around, but had a terrifying fear of women. I was nervous around them and I kind of had a crush on you back then, but would never say it because I did not think you liked me and knew your family wouldn't go for it. Puppy luv, so to speak.
When I saw your friend request, I got excited because your family comes to mind often.
I am glad you have a voice. You don't need to be a doormat, no one deserves that. And as for offenses, I am not that easy to offend, but I know sometimes there are things I say that are harsh. For that I too apologize in advance.
Take care,
Chad”
Now, at least at one point when we were young I knew he'd liked me, and I liked him as well. But, he never said anything so I assumed that I had been wrong, that he was never interested in me in any other way than a friend.
This kind of thing seems to have happened quite a few times in the last several years I've come to find out. Guys that I had liked back in the day that never said anything at the time have come out of the wood work as they say and actually confessed their former crush... “Why,” I thought, “do they always wait until its too late? Geez.”
Of course there was one guy who came along a while after Chad's family and my family had drifted apart, during the latter part of high school. That was a huge crush on my part, and major flirting was happening on both sides. Without going into too much detail let just say that I was understandably off limits and I understood that so I never officially said anything... as usual. After we'd graduated his family moved away, but stayed in touch for about a year. Talking on the phone almost every night for hour at a time. He called me most of the time, but I called sometimes too when I could afford a calling card. (This was before I could afford a “real” cell phone plan.) Then one day something changed. Almost over night he'd become an intolerable jerk. It seemed like he was looking for something to get mad at me about so he could yell. Very unlike him. And when he couldn't find anything he would make something up or be pissed about absolutely nothing... At the time I figured he was just trying to sever ties with his old life in Wichita. I could understand that, but it still hurt.
Everything that I had liked about him, his virtues, moral fiber, true to his word, selflessness, incredible knowledge of the Bible- all of it disappeared; leaving only the body of my once close friend to blend flawlessly into “The World.”
Now, the reason I mention this guy is because though it was a mutual crush at the time- and everyone saw it. Various people would come up and ask me if we were going out all the time and I'd tell them “No” and they'd seem surprised. I found out a few years later that he'd told people that he'd always 'felt bad about me.' That he'd never liked me in that way, and he'd say this while shaking his head and add “poor girl” as if he truly pitied me.
Because of him the major trust issues I already had about men due to my father magnified. It cemented in my mind that there were no “good guys” in the world and those that looked like they could be were only pretending; looking for any opening to hurt you, then laugh about it.
Yeah, like I said, I had issues. I know that is not always true, but still, the “good guys” are few and far between... And at this point they all seem to be taken, I might add.
So, when Chad actually admitted that, at least back then, he had liked me I was taken aback; impressed by his honesty.
But, this posed a problem, too. Gradually over the course of my childhood and into adulthood I had built walls around myself to protect my fragile heart. It has become very difficult to show emotion to people I don't know really well, much less let them know anything besides the surface stuff about me. The few times I've let someone in and told them about my life and my childhood it backfired. They either don't believe me or think I'm exaggerating. Either way, they never look at me the same if they look at me at all.
The defense mechanisms that I've developed over the years just turns on automatically now. Always careful, though unconsciously, to not reveal anything very personal about myself. General information only.
I knew if I said nothing in response to his confession he would think he was right, that I had never liked him and would wish he'd never mentioned it and probably act very awkward when speaking to me; which probably wouldn't be too much longer if I ignored it. But, I also feared admitting my former feelings; afraid he would somehow take back what he said and leave me feeling the fool, yet again... So, I tried to find a third option. Admit it, but only in passing. Don't make a big deal out of it basically.
My reply.
“Oct 11. 2008
Chad the Bug Man. Hey, do what you gotta do. I've been working since I was 16. I was a photographer from 2000-2007 working for Sears Portrait Studio, often coupled along with part-time nanny jobs and working for baby-sitting services or taking school portraits for Lifetouch... Seems I've always been surrounded by children... Oh well, I like them for the most part. Because I know the screaming and tantrums will end eventually.
I just turned 25 last month. I keep telling my mom and brother "I'm a quarter of a century old, its all down hill from here." :)
And yes, I kinda knew about the crush and it was mutual at the time.
My stepdad is sorta teaching me to play the acoustic guitar, but I'm not very good. I've always loved the guitar. Lynn (my stepdad) can tear it up.
I'm glad you are doing so well. Hey didn't your parents and siblings moved back to Wichita? Is Sarah going to school there or working?
What kind of car do you have? I have a typically boring '04 Elantra, but its been a good car. Much better than my first. My first I affectionately call "my little clown car". It was a '95 Ford Aspire and I think it lasted me about a year and a half or two years before the rubber band broke and was forced to buy a new/used car. I think I crammed four teenage guys in the back (two sitting normally with their feet crossed and two with their heads shoved against the ceiling and legs stretched across the other guys legs) and my best friend in the front of my little clown car a few times. Luckily Wichita is small enough that the car trip didn't take that long.
Anyway. TTYL
Crystal”
I had talked to Mom about all of this, of course, and she persists in telling me how if I don't open up I'll be shooting myself in the foot and end up alone. I need to break the cycle. I know this, of course. She doesn't need to keep reminding me of it! Sheesh! And she has always loved Chad. As soon as I told her what he said about the crush when we were kids she's been firmly convinced that we'll end up together; provided “we can set him straight,” biblically speaking. At this I would mentally shake my head and roll my eyes knowing full well he understood more about the Bible than we did. Again, I kind of shrugged it off, pretending to not really care about it, though Mom could see right through my facade.
And, at some point between this last email and the next, when talking to Mom about Chad and the topics we discussed I'd mentioned to her how I thought it was weird that he didn't use his real name on MySpace. The only way I found him was when I searched his sisters name and found her the month before. After a month I checked her friends list again and there was one with no picture and some funky name. Hm. I continued through her page then saw she had some family photos and Chad was tagged as that funky name. Thats when I took the chance and sent him a friend request.
Anyway, Mom suddenly remembered that Talgan was not his last name. His mother had been married before and had Chad, then married Scott and had the rest of her kids. But, she couldn't remember what the real name was. Again, I was blown away... and a little hurt. Most of the time everyone, including myself, called him “Talgan” when we were kids.
It had been almost a week and he hadn't read my last message, but I really wanted to know what was up with his name. So, I went against one of my own personal rules of conduct, namely do not send more than one email if they haven't replied. I will not be looked upon as being desperate. (This rule also applies to phone calls as well.)
“Oct 16, 2008
And by the by, Mr. X, I have a bone to pick with you. A little birdie (my mom) told me that Talgan is not your last name... hmmm.... which explains why the only way i could find you on here was through your sisters page... Uh huh. I see how it is. We were such good friends those many years ago that you never told me your real name. Ah ha! You've been caught! You know I'm so kidding. I'm not really mad. I'm just very sarcastic. :) No, but seriously, there was never one point where you could've corrected anyone that though Talgan was your mom and sisters last name it wasn't yours? Oh, well. I guess it doesn't really matter, but it would've been nice if you had told me. :)
Anyway, hope you're having a good week!
Always,
Cryzzle”
By this point the gaps in our conversations were starting to drive me a little nuts. I tend to get very impatient waiting for a response when it's something I'm interested in. Which of course I would go back and forth in my mind about how I shouldn't feel so antsy because he was nothing more than a friend and I knew that. I also knew that he and I had both changed so much over the years we were virtually strangers. Would I get this way over any other stranger I'd met and began talking to?.No... **heaves an annoyed breath** THIS THE PRECICELY THE REASON I HAVE WALLS!!!
His response.
“Oct 24. 2008
I was ashamed of it then. My father was everything short of a good man. I actually did not start using that name until I met him a few years a ago and learned he is now not the man he was. At that point I was not ashamed to carry the name. I still consider myself Scott's son however. It was a dark past that I wanted to hide. Don't feel bad, my best friends never knew either. My real last name is Simpson. Honestly, I did not want anyone to know at the time, especially given the way people treat those who have been through divorce. I did not want that for my mom. It turns out to not be such a big deal now. In fact here in Arkansas, no one knows me by Talgan. Anyway, now you know a little more about my multiple alias history. I also go by Bond, James Bond...funny right?”
My reply.
“Oct 24, 2008
I understand your reasoning for not telling anyone back then. I probably would've done the same thing. Actually I did... with hold the truth that is, my last name has not changed. Only two people besides my family know what it was like growing up in my house and thats my two best friends. When you knew me I was having a hard time and now as I think back on it I realized my actions when around other people probably screamed "I'm unhappy and I don't know what to do about it!" Though that was the opposite of what i wanted people to think. I dunno. It was too long ago. Time has passed and brought better days and good people into my life and I thank God everyday for it! :)
So, Mr. Bond! How have you been? I heard you guys went camping in the cold! You know I don't think I've ever been camping, other than pitching a tent in the back yard. Oh wait. No, I take that back. A year after mom remarried Lynn took us all camping in Colorado (including two of his three kids, and me and my brother, and mom). It was the summer of all the fires. We got chased all around that state it seemed... That vacation definitely did not go as planned... :)
Oh and I don't know if you will be visiting your family around Christmas time, I know you said you guys don't celebrate that holiday, but I will be home for a few days. Me and several of my friends are going to get together for lunch, probably Saturday, and Sarah said she may come. I would love it if you came too if your in town.
I do still have some questions on Messianic Judaism from the last email I had written about it, but we kinda got off topic. But i'm not complaining! I learned some new information about you! :) But, email it seems is too slow for my patience sometimes... I know, I know... its a virtue I need to work on. So, if its ever easier for you can call my cell at 555-555-5555. (love the cheesy inter net/ tv trick.... like I'm gonna post my phone number.) I kept my WF number so my family and friends wouldn't have to pay to call me. But, if email suites you better thats just fine too. :)
Always,
Cryzzle”
His response.
“Oct 26, 2008
I think it would be pretty cool to hear your voice.
I think it would be better because we can hear instead of read, a lot less misunderstanding takes place that way. I do not observe Christmas, but get the time off from work and it has been the tradition for the past few years to go see the fam. I actually do not eat in public restaurants-just FYI so you don't think me too weird-but if it is after Sabbath aka sundown on Sat. that sounds like a possibility and great opportunity to meet. Sorry us Sabbath keepers are so difficult.
Anywho, one of the best websites out there for what we believe is FFOZ. org (First Fruits of Zion) they have great articles and material and this is the group that is most in line with what I believe.
I hope to hear from you soon, I tend to get busy so if I forget just give me a buzz 555-555-5555
CU
P.S. one of my more recent Alias' is Yosef (Joseph) a biblical name from Mom, it is a custom in parts of our movement to be given a name. I have many names.”
They have more than one name... My mother and I exchanged a curious look on that one.
My response.
“Oct 26, 2008
You change names? Thus the other funky name thing I suppose. Then I must seem very boring to you as the only other names I go by are Cryzzle, Crys, and on a very random occasion Jess calls me Latsyrc. And I in return call her Acissej. Yes, we're very strange people who in their Dr. Pepper induced boredom think of very odd things and run with them. :) But hey it keeps things fun right!
So, do you not eat at any restaurants at all or just on on the Sabbath? I used to work for Jewish people and they did eat out but they didn't eat certain things and were very careful about it. It took me a bit to learn what not to buy for them when I did their shopping for them.
Anyways! Talk to you soon!
Always,
Cryzzle”
This was actually the last email we sent to each other. And I never got an answer about the restaurant thing by the way. (Though I now get it as I've become Kosher... No thanks to Chad's family... grrr...) Starting sometime in November we started talking on the phone. I think it was like the first week or something because the first email I got from Rebbecca (his mother) was on the 14th and I had talked to him before that.
I was actually kind of peeved that he sent me his number. Why couldn't he just call or text me then I'd have it! Again, its the personal rules thing. I will not be the first one to call, friend or otherwise. (I know I'm weird. Shut up.)... And I tried very hard to maintain that. I could just see myself getting carried away and having a repeat, though slightly different, of what happened with the guy in high school. At least the end result. In no way did I ever want to be classified as a clingy girl. Ech. That has always annoyed the crap out of me when girls do that.
More than a week had passed and there was no email response and my phone never rang-- from him at least. Then one day, in a particularly antsy/annoyed/irritated mood both at myself and at Chad for being so slow (and in my mind thinking he probably now regretted the day he accepted my friend request and had absolutely no wish to speak to me), I sent him a text. I don't remember what it said. Something very general probably, like “Just thought I'd see how your day was going” or something similar. And he responded just as generally.
Text then become our main mode of communication. Talking on the phone only randomly.
Its hard to say what our first few phone conversations were about. I think the first time we talked it was for about five or six hours and all we talked about was the Bible and Messianic Judaism which included a very wide range of topics. Since the first “explanation” email my mind was constantly focused on trying to figure out this Messianic Judaism, Chad's POV on it, what I'd always been taught (which was slowly losing its momentum and value in my eyes as I read the Bible in proper context), and what I found when I'd Google it. But I couldn't really talk to anyone about it. It held no interest to anyone besides me. My friends and family were totally content where they were and didn't feel the need to take the chance and find out if they might possibly be wrong. I felt very alone. I could barely understand Chad and for some odd reason when I was talking to him I'd lose my words. I couldn't vocalize my questions or feelings on the subject. It was so frustrating!!! Especially since I have absolutely NO problem talking to EVERONE else about FREAKING ANYTHING and making myself perfectly clear!!!
Anyway, back to the phone calls. I remembered that he tended to ramble when we were kids, but we never talked as long as we were then; so I guess I didn't notice it as much. But, just like his emails he was all over the place. One subject somehow flowing and interconnecting into another by hidden fascets I had obviously missed. I didn't say much during the conversations, though I wasn't completely silent. When I am trying to understand something very difficult and new I pay very close attention to what is being said. Very little mental commentary is going on in my head in response to what I'm hearing as I am just trying to retain the information so I will hopefully be able to recall enough of it to make better sense of it later.
And oh my gosh... There was so much information... Plus another oh-my-gosh is fittingly due to the fact that he brought up some normally skirted by subjects between men and woman. Such as female issues and the like. I think he might have mentioned male masturbation at one point (not a description, but rather what the Torah had to say about it. But, still!). Not something I wanted to think about. Of course my initial response is to close off. These are not proper, suitable subjects to be discussing with a member of the opposite sex that you are just starting to get to know. Heck, just in the last few years have I talked with Jessica about female stuff. AND SHE'S A GIRL! And I'd known her for nine years! Consistently! (10 going on 11 now)
So, over the course of maybe two or three very long phone calls some of what he was saying was starting to make sense. But, I had to concentrate very hard to keep up. A few times I'd actually had to stop him and say “Say that again? What does that mean?” And bless him, he tried; but it didn't always work.
By mid November I had come to the conclusion that the number one, main point in figuring out if all of what he'd been showing me and telling me was true rested solely on The Covenants. I had always been taught there was the “Old Covenant” aka “The Law” and the “New Covenant” aka “Grace.”
“The Law was created to show us that we are not good enough to make it to heaven on our own,” I was always told. “No one can truly keep it. We are not saved by works we are saved by Grace. If we could be saved by works then Christ's death and resurrection would have been in vain. There would have been no point in him coming down here at all. The Law is the Old Covenant. When Christ came he made a New Covenant and all we have to do is believe that He is Christ our Saviour and accept Him into our hearts and acknowledge with our mouths that Jesus is Lord.”
That was my main issue at that point and nothing he was saying seemed to be clicking or making complete sense on the subject.
I'm sure he was very frustrated with me and I was equally sure his patients with my slow brain was going to run out and he'd tell me to just forget about it. But, he seemed kind enough about it, though I could hear the change in his voice sometimes. I wasn't purposefully trying to be argumentative. I was just trying to understand. I was beginning to feel like an imposition, but this was too important to let go.
The unsettled feeling in my heart that I had consistently pushed aside for years, trying to ignore, was stronger than ever now. For months now I had read and re-read his confusing emails trying to make sense of the curious way he sometimes spoke. (I now know that this was what I call Jewish-speak and I find myself using it more than I realize and people will look at me confused and ask me to repeat what I'd just said... the same thing I used to do to Chad... Oh how times change.) I could see some truth in his words when I was able to get beyond the rambling and that fueled me to keep searching.
(When I'd shown his emails to DJ he said the funniest thing. “Well, I guess if you just look at it as whole and don't try and make sense of the individual things, it makes sense.” Hahaha!!! Too true. Although, it's only true because Chad had forgotten how to talk to Church raised gentiles. He'd been in his own world for too long.)
From October to the middle of November or so I would sit down and study my Bible about three or four times a week, trying to find The Truth about The Covenants. Then around mid November all I seemed to do was go straight home after work, sit down on my bed armed with my Bible, my computer, and a notebook and study until I would suddenly feel very sleepy. Then I'd look up to find that it was nearly two o'clock in the morning. This went on for months.
In the beginning of all this I was merely curious about Chad and what he'd become. Then it almost became a personal challenge to understand his explanations. Then when I was starting to see that he was right about several things it came down to the Covenants. I was bound and determined to find out the Truth.
Had I been wrong all these years? Had Mom and the rest of my family? I knew if the answer to that was yes then I would be the only one to acknowledge it. They would more or less close their eyes, cover their ears and tell me that Chad had brainwashed me. That I already knew the Truth and not to talk to him anymore.
In October, actually, I had told my Grandmother that I had been talking to Chad and that he'd converted to Messianic Judaism and had been asking him questions about it. And she, of course, said exactly what I had expected and told me to stay away from him.
“The Devil's just using him to confuse you. You already know the Truth. We are under Grace not Law.” Little did she know that I'd had my doubts about many things I'd been taught in the Church for several years now; long before I ever found Chad again. I decided right then that Grandmother needn't know anymore about my conversations with Chad. It would only cause a problem that I very much wanted to avoid.
I know at some point in the months I had been talking to Chad he was starting to wonder about my intentions, my reasonings for asking him about Messianic Judaism. By the time I had gotten to the truly earnest search for Truth he was sure to be concerned about one of two things. One: that the only reason I was interested in this topic was because I “liked” him and was either trying to impress him or convert so he'd like me too. Or, Two: that I was going to elaborate, drawn out measures to argue with him and try to prove him wrong.
Neither of these was the case. I don't fool around with religion; namely my own faith. Your faith is generally the essence of who you are. Your core. Any former feelings I'd had for him back in the day were of no consequence. It didn't matter. My emotions were completely separate from my logic. Another defense mechanism I've developed. I needed to get my life in order; and what is life without God? What did God really expect of me?
According to the Church, very little. Though that never seemed quite right to me. But, when you're a teenager you tend to take the easy way out in just about any situation. So that's what I had done. Mom said the Church was right. As did Grandmother and Granddad, and Dallas, and everyone else I knew... except Dad. He's never been on the same page as the rest of my family. Which has caused them all to wonder whether or not he's actually saved. It's hard to tell sometimes. Though he acknowledges Christ as Lord he doesn't think He's the only way to God. He thinks that nearly all religions have the same destination, it just depends on what works for you.
...Do you see what I grew up with here? Mom, the conservative Christian, and Dad the “Well, whatever works for you” man. And people wonder why I'm questioning my families religious traditions!
Regarding the last defense mechanism it honestly doesn't make sense to people how I can do that. But, I do. Trish, my boss, had asked me several times about Chad and if I thought we could get together or something. Constantly probing to see if I really liked him romantically or not. But, the thing is I had decided from the beginning that that was not really an option. We were too different religiously. And I need someone who's on the same page as me spiritually... the only problem is... what page am I really on?
One day in the fall of 2008 Trish pointedly asked me “Do you like him?” And I avoided the question. I wasn't going to say yes or no to anyone who asked me that because the issues attached to it were far too big. There was too big of a gap, a difference between us spiritually speaking. Even when my Mom asked that- several times- I would never give her an answer. And she, of course, would reminded me of the walls I'd built around myself.
One day when I was over at her house and we were talking about all of this she actually hung her head and almost started crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she knew I'd always had issues with men as a result of a- for lack of a better word- bad father; but she never wanted any of this for me. She could see how much of an impact the negative things in my childhood had caused me. She felt guilty and responsible, though we both know she did her best. Without her there, being who she was and how she was, there's no doubt in my mind I would be dead now... I was suicidal at several points in my adolescence. It was my upbringing, what Mom had raised me to be, that kept me from going too far. Though my walk was wobbly I tried not to stray too far from God.
I remember specifically one occasion. I was seventeen and the remnants of my crumbling world was falling down around me. Mom had met Lynn and suddenly she was getting married- the quicker the better, it seemed to be. My brother had all but abandoned me. I watched him change from the caring considerate man I had always known to someone I didn't recognize at all, who suddenly despised everything Mom and I stood for. The best friends I had had in a long time were leaving after they graduated. I wasn't speaking to my father. And my Grandmother, as always, made me feel like crap just for being me, all the while telling me she loved me. (Hm.)
I had been driving around with no place to go, crying and praying for God to just take it all away; I couldn't handle it anymore. I finally found myself on Old Iowa Park Road sitting at a gas station parking lot near the train tracks. I was waiting for a train. Considering whether or not if I could really bring myself to park my car on the tracks and just let it take me away. There was no way I would've survived. I knew that. I was counting on that. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. No silver lining to give me hope that all would be well eventually.
So I sat in my car, crying out to God for help. I had been there for maybe forty-five minutes when God told me to turn my car on and go home. Tears still streaming down my face, I obeyed.
Weeks later there had been a story on the news about a man that had committed suicide by driving as fast he could down this one particular residential street and straight into a stone fountain. He died instantly.
One very bad day when all seemed to be closing in on me I drove, crying, through Wichita. I remember being on Lawrence saying to God that I promised not to take my own life, but if He could do it...
Then the news story about the man and the fountain flashed in my mind as I neared the first of two stoplights toward Rae Road. It was a possibility. Surely if I planned it just right I would feel anything. I'd just hear the glass breaking and the crunch of metal around me and then it would be over... but, could I really do it? Letting a train run me over was one thing- it didn't actually require action for anyone but the train, but could I really bring myself to do such a thing? New tears streamed down my face as I prayed aloud one more time, “God please just take it all away. I cannot do this anymore. Please just take me home. I want to go home!”
It was then, as I was turning from Lawrence onto Rae that God spoke, so quietly, yet so clearly that found myself in shock for a few seconds- which is not a good thing when driving. He said, “I'm not done with you yet.” That was all He said. It was enough. The tears ceased immediately. I went home secure at least in the knowledge that God had something else planned for me. I just couldn't figure out what in the world He would want with someone as insignificant as me? My own father never loved me... so how could He?
So, there I sat before my mother, both of us in tears, not knowing what to say. I honestly try to not be the way I am. So... broken... But, when thats really all you've ever known, what are you supposed to do? I've never had a good example of what a normal/healthy person is supposed to be.
In spite of all my walls and defenses, I am now the healthiest I've ever been, mentally and physically. I finally woke up one day in 2007 after years of complaining and whining about all my “Why me's?” I was 230 pounds and miserable in every sense of the word. All I did was work. Had no social life what-so-ever. My best friends still lived in Wichita (I had moved to Austin in 2005). I did have my mother though, she and Lynn followed me to Austin after about a year after I moved here. I felt sick all the time, my diet sucked majorly. I was never taught to eat properly- or in a healthy way. “We're southern” is the excuse from my family. I hadn't found a “good church” in a long time that I fit into. Truth be told, I've never fit in anywhere. I was always the odd-ball. The quiet one, reserved and serious. People my age, for the most part, have always annoyed me. They always seemed too juvenile for my taste.
Starting from November 2007 I took another step in taking control of my life. Slowly my lifestyle changed as I shed myself of the “This is what we've always done” mind set. Well, I may have always done it, but look where it had gotten me. Now, in 2010 I am only about 20 pounds away from my ending goal weight, just above the government recommended weight for someone my size. (I'm sorry, but if I went for the recommended weight I'd look sick.) All in all I feel better than I ever have.
Major things I've changed since 2005 (through 2009):
Broke away from my families (mainly Mom and Grandmother) immediate control by moving to Austin. CHECK!
Broke many of my worst habits in lieu of a healthier lifestyle. CHECK!
Separated myself from the “We” mindset. (“We do this” and “We think that” in stead of “I do this” and “I think that”) CHECK!
Sorting out what I personally, truly believe religiously despite my upbringing in the Church... Nearly checked.
(MORE OF MY JOURNEY IN THE NEXT BLOG)
On May 6th, 2009 I found a journal that I had gotten a year earlier while sifting through things as I packed to move. I remembered it as I looked at the spiral bound book. It was called a R.E.A.P Journal, Read Examine Application Prayer. I had gotten it from The Austin Stone, my brother's non-denominational church, the last time I visited. I opened it up to the first page and began to read. There was only one entry, which isn't surprising because I've always been horrible about keeping daily diaries.
It was written 2-19-2008 according to the date in the corner. The verses being reflected on was Proverbs 13:2-20. I had written it out and put marks next to certain verses then made corresponding notations to the marks about how I related to what I saw in the verse. I won't tell you what I wrote there, because it is too personal. But, I will share with you the prayer written below it:
"Lord ,
I have long been absent from your presence. Wounds I thought (hoped) would heal with time on their own only fester. I cannot heal myself. I cannot make the hurt go away. I cannot rid myself of the side effects and personal impacts of my wounds. I trust only a few and long to be heard, but my voice will not speak for fear of being scorned. I have hidden myself so that no one can see me; but also I have forgotten what I look like. Only from memory do I know, and the sad and torn memories out number the good.
I cannot fix myself. I know only you can do that... I am so scared and so torn and so frightful .
For years it seems as if I've been in a pit, scrambling, clawing, begging, trying to get out, but no matter what I do or how I yell and scream I cannot find my way out.
I am alone... Utterly alone... Then , somewhere in my heart, I hear your whisper when I am still. Calling me. Telling me that if I would just seek you, you would be there to help me up; climb out of the pit and into the sunlight where the good that has long been hidden in the blackness of my despair could be found.
I am here now. I am reaching out to you. I cannot heal myself. I do not want to be alone anymore. I miss and long for the days when I was nearer to you. Lord, take my life and use it as you see fit for I am useless without you.
AMEN"
After I read this, sitting alone in my half packed apartment, I reflected on the events of the prior year and where they had lead me. Where God had very obviously moved and answered my prayer in ways I never imagined. Of course, I hadn't realized it until that moment.
The single entry in the REAP journal spoke volumes of my struggle. My struggle to cope with my past, my wounds. My struggle to and make the random jagged pieces of the puzzle that was my spiritual life fit together like I'm told they're supposed to. Told by my grandmother and mother mainly. During the last eight years or so I tried very hard to believe what they had always told me was true. But, as I got older it got harder and harder to honestly make the connections as they see/saw them.
In January of 2008 I found an old friend of mine from the home school group on MySpace: Chad “Talgan” Simpson. I had always known him as Chad Talgan thus the quotations. Anyway, in January I added him as a friend on MySpace and kind of forgot about him for several months... Wow. Thats sounds really bad. But, nonetheless true.
So, June or July rolls around and I am bored and going through my friends list on MySpace and come across his page. So, I open it up and what was the first thing I see but a bunch of Jewish stuff. I think this is odd, but continue on down the page. Then it came to the box near the bottom where it says:
____________________
Status: In A Relationship
Here For: Friends
Orientation: Straight
Religion: Jewish
Smoke/Drink: no/yes
Education: In College
____________________
Yeah-- my mouth fell open when I got to Religion. He grew up like I did. Christian. Baptist. And more than that, I had always considered Chad, more or less, like me. Both quiet, tended to over think/over analyze things and end up talking ourselves out of whatever it is we're stressing about. Also, we both have very strong moral values and family ties. So, all this being said I was rightfully shocked at this new information about my old friend.
My first thought was “What the heck happened here?” What had made this person I had thought to be so like me, at least at one point, make such a drastic leap? Had I missed something? Had he?
So, I emailed him, asking him questions about his change in religion. He clarified that he was a Messianic Jew not a “regular”- as I would say- Jew. This, of course, meant nothing to me. I understood the word “Jew.” And Jews rejected Christ. I was so pissed. How could he do such a thing?!
Again, he clarified- over several long, confusing, complex emails- that he was “Messianic.” Meaning a Jew that believes Christ was/is the Messiah. Basically a Christian Jew as us gentiles would say, though he vehemently rejects that term.
This made me feel a little better. At least he hadn't totally gone off the deep end. But, I was curious how that would actually work; being Jewish and Christian. So the email conversations continued.
Now, it took several emails for me to understand THAT little bit of information. The emails, his and mine, we're generally several weeks apart. He didn't check his email too often and I spent weeks trying to decode the ones he sent me. He rambled(s) like nobodies business. I sent copies of the emails to my brother, my Mother, and my best friends Jessica and DJ. At any one point, on any given evening over the course of about five months I would have have Mom and Lynn (my stepdad), DJ, Jess, and Jess's parents searching out the stuff in the emails and the verses we had always known to disprove them. Again, the verses I was spouting, the ones my friends and family were spouting at me seemed off. Not necessarily flimsy, but not quite fitting somehow. (I later realized that the reason for that was because most of the verses being used were out of context for the appointed topic! But, I'm jumping ahead.)
In the back of my mind as I searched my arsenal of Biblical knowledge, something was still-- off. Something was missing in my own faith or knowledge of the Bible. I've never had a great recall when it comes to the Bible. I'll remember vague general details I'd read or heard at church or from my Grandparents or my brother's friends, but that was about it.
After the first two emails or so from Chad I ended up in the hospital for four days and almost died from an ecoli bladder infection that had actually gotten into my bloodstream. Needless to say I was not in good spirits and got every depressed. Plus I was extremely angry at my Mother, who for nearly three days wouldn't take me to the doctor- trying to save money... Also my brother was actually going to grace them with his presence and therefore she was very focused on getting the house ready for him and Lindsay, his wife, when they came over on Sunday for lunch.
I couldn't drive. My senses were too badly altered for the task by that point. I was in a tremendous amount of pain. I could barely walk and had a difficult enough time trying to find at least a semi-comfortable position to lay in- which was on my right side-ish and even THAT was uncomfortable. Saturday night I passed out several times in the bathroom. I called Mom and she sounded like she really didn't want to come and take me to the hospital. She thought it might just be my blood sugar (I am hypoglycemic), though I seriously had my doubts. I know what low blood sugar feels like and that wasn't it.
The next morning Jess called to check on me and I told her what had happened with the passing out and all, and what Mom had said. She was pissed at my mother and kept telling me to go to the ER. I told her I couldn't drive and I cant afford for an ambulance to come and get me; I was uninsured. I had no one else to call. My friend Hunter had moved to Korea a month before and he was the only one who I knew I could've called for help.
Finally at 2PM on Sunday I took Jessica's advice and called Mom and demanded that she take me to the ER. Begrudgingly she agreed and showed up at my house (a 20 minute drive) at 5:30PM. She tried to nurse me herself, still not liking the idea of taking me to the ER, hoping that I could just hold out and go to my regular doctor the next day. She called the On-Call doctor and told him what my symptoms were and he said to take me to the ER immediately. By 7PM we arrive at the ER (2 blocks from my house). 11PM I was admitted into the hospital. My dad came down the next morning from Burk and stayed with me, thank the Lord.
Over the next three days I was poked and prodded, having blood drawn every few hours. Finally, we found out what was wrong. Ecoli bladder infection that had gotten into my bloodstream and was on its way to my kidneys. The doctor also said that had we waited even a day longer I would probably have died. And if I did, by some miracle, survive, I would have needed to be on dialysis for the rest of my life... I was livid.
So, in my depressed state of mind I hardly turned my computer on much less try to respond to complicated emails. Several days after I had been home from the hospital I got an email from Chad, obviously worried. It said:
“Sept. 21, 2008
I read over what I wrote you last and thought there may have been some things that may have come across as a little harsh towards Christians and Messianics that I disagree with. I hope this is not the reason I have not heard from you. If it is please forgive me. I have not changed since our families were close in the fact that I often do not think before I speak-- or in this case, type. If anything was hurtful, please allow me to correct it. One thing I do not want is to offend a fellow sister in Messiah. It was great hearing from you. Your family has always meant the word to me, especially you and Dallas. I just hope I have not hurt the chance of us being friends again.
Sincerely I Remain Your Servant
Chad”
Though I didn't feel like communicating with anyone as I was still unwell from my illness, guilt for causing him worry over took my selfish need for peace and rest. I had to respond.
“Sept. 21, 2008
No, I was not offended. I've been in the hospital since I last heard from you. I've only been out since last Thursday. Had an ecoli bladder infection that was going to my kidneys. Almost didn't catch it. They said if they didn't get it when they did I wouldn't have made it.
Before I got sick I was still in the process of researching the content of your email.
No worries. You did not offend me to the point of my not talking to you anymore.
Talk to you later.
Crystal”
I know. Not the most eloquent thing I've ever written, but hey, I was delirious from pain and medications. Give me a break.
His response was surprisingly prompt.
“Sept. 21, 2008
I am so sorry you were sick and am very happy you made it through! I am glad you were not offended, I do get carried away at times. I pray you have a speedy recovery!
Chad”
I don't remember when I actually responded to the last “explanation” email, but I remember being very blunt in my opinion regarding some things he'd said about more questions on Messianic Judaism. It was a while between the email I had sent and his response. So, about 2 or so weeks afterward I sent another. (I'm currently finding it very irritating not being able to remember exactly what my questions were and his answers. I just remember my reactions. Too much has happened since then.... Plus the fact that I found it maddening difficult to word my questions and concerns at the time didn't help matters much either.)
“Oct. 7. 2008
Hey I hope my last email didn't offend you. I am just trying to understand your statements. If I did I am sorry and hope you'll forgive me. Anyway, hope you're doing well.
Crystal”
His response.
“Oct. 9, 2008
No not at all, I must have written something that appeared that way and if that is the case, I did not mean for it. I ask that you forgive my zeal, and not take it as being offended. I am glad you are curious about what I believe. Next time I will be sure to proof read and make sure I am more careful. This is why I prefer to talk, it is easy to mis-type and mis-read, of which I am guilty of both. It is therefore I who should apologize. Forgive my carelessness.
I am doing well and hope you are too. The family is coming up to see next week and I am excited. It has been a while.
I really do mean it when I say I hope to see you again. I am not quite as shy around women as I once was and I think we could be much better friends now that I am not so much of a chicken. I have changed so much that in reality I doubt you would find much if any of what you knew.
Take care, and many blessings.
Me”
My mouth fell open when he said he needed to make sure and “proof read” his emails before he sends them. I was thinking, “You write a freaking BOOK over email and you're not proofing it before you send it! What the heck, man?” I shook my head. No wonder half of the stuff he said was next to impossible to understand. I'm sure if he'd read it first he'd've been confused too!
But, I couldn't say that to him. It would be rude, and I was raised to be respectful even when someone does something really... yeah, I'm gonna stop there. I was frustrated, lets just leave it at that.
My response.
“Oct 10, 2008
Okay, no problem. Starting over sounds like a good idea. Oh, and tell me what you're doing these days... I'm not sure that I asked that. I told mom that I had talked to you on here and she asked what you did and I realized that I had no idea... or couldn't remember.
It would be great to see you again. Though I must admit I don't remember you being THAT shy around woman/girls. I mean, you tended to be shy a bit in general, but I didn't notice it especially when you were around woman.
And I'm sure you would think that the girl you knew some ten or so years ago has nearly disappeared. Or at least, that's my opinion. I finally found my voice a year or so after I graduated. I always thought most peoples opinion of me was that of a girl who would accept whatever you said, a doormat, easily forgotten or dismissed. I finally had enough of that and started speaking up. I try my hardest not to purposefully offend people, mind you. And if I ever do offend you I apologize in advance and please know it was not done knowingly.
Anyway, I hope to hear your response to my last inquiry, that is if you still have the email. If you don't let me know and I'll resend it.
Thank you for being so open and informative.
Crystal”
His response.
“Oct 11, 2008
I am glad we can...few get second chances, I am fortunate.
I am in college about to complete my second and start my 3rd year in Business. I have pretty much been single since I was 16 save a relationship that I entered into a year ago last month and ended this summer. I will be 25 this Dec. I feel like my youth is leaving me...single. I have been working for "The Bug Man" as a termite technician for the past 2.5 years and counting. Pretty good job and hey it pays the bills and lets me go to the movies once in a while. I have become a musician, I play bass guitar, guitar, aux percussion, even have a cello-just can't play it yet. That pretty much sums it up. I drive a pretty cool car, its small fast, but looks like a normal car-what we geeks call a "sleeper".
I was pretty much shy all around, but had a terrifying fear of women. I was nervous around them and I kind of had a crush on you back then, but would never say it because I did not think you liked me and knew your family wouldn't go for it. Puppy luv, so to speak.
When I saw your friend request, I got excited because your family comes to mind often.
I am glad you have a voice. You don't need to be a doormat, no one deserves that. And as for offenses, I am not that easy to offend, but I know sometimes there are things I say that are harsh. For that I too apologize in advance.
Take care,
Chad”
Now, at least at one point when we were young I knew he'd liked me, and I liked him as well. But, he never said anything so I assumed that I had been wrong, that he was never interested in me in any other way than a friend.
This kind of thing seems to have happened quite a few times in the last several years I've come to find out. Guys that I had liked back in the day that never said anything at the time have come out of the wood work as they say and actually confessed their former crush... “Why,” I thought, “do they always wait until its too late? Geez.”
Of course there was one guy who came along a while after Chad's family and my family had drifted apart, during the latter part of high school. That was a huge crush on my part, and major flirting was happening on both sides. Without going into too much detail let just say that I was understandably off limits and I understood that so I never officially said anything... as usual. After we'd graduated his family moved away, but stayed in touch for about a year. Talking on the phone almost every night for hour at a time. He called me most of the time, but I called sometimes too when I could afford a calling card. (This was before I could afford a “real” cell phone plan.) Then one day something changed. Almost over night he'd become an intolerable jerk. It seemed like he was looking for something to get mad at me about so he could yell. Very unlike him. And when he couldn't find anything he would make something up or be pissed about absolutely nothing... At the time I figured he was just trying to sever ties with his old life in Wichita. I could understand that, but it still hurt.
Everything that I had liked about him, his virtues, moral fiber, true to his word, selflessness, incredible knowledge of the Bible- all of it disappeared; leaving only the body of my once close friend to blend flawlessly into “The World.”
Now, the reason I mention this guy is because though it was a mutual crush at the time- and everyone saw it. Various people would come up and ask me if we were going out all the time and I'd tell them “No” and they'd seem surprised. I found out a few years later that he'd told people that he'd always 'felt bad about me.' That he'd never liked me in that way, and he'd say this while shaking his head and add “poor girl” as if he truly pitied me.
Because of him the major trust issues I already had about men due to my father magnified. It cemented in my mind that there were no “good guys” in the world and those that looked like they could be were only pretending; looking for any opening to hurt you, then laugh about it.
Yeah, like I said, I had issues. I know that is not always true, but still, the “good guys” are few and far between... And at this point they all seem to be taken, I might add.
So, when Chad actually admitted that, at least back then, he had liked me I was taken aback; impressed by his honesty.
But, this posed a problem, too. Gradually over the course of my childhood and into adulthood I had built walls around myself to protect my fragile heart. It has become very difficult to show emotion to people I don't know really well, much less let them know anything besides the surface stuff about me. The few times I've let someone in and told them about my life and my childhood it backfired. They either don't believe me or think I'm exaggerating. Either way, they never look at me the same if they look at me at all.
The defense mechanisms that I've developed over the years just turns on automatically now. Always careful, though unconsciously, to not reveal anything very personal about myself. General information only.
I knew if I said nothing in response to his confession he would think he was right, that I had never liked him and would wish he'd never mentioned it and probably act very awkward when speaking to me; which probably wouldn't be too much longer if I ignored it. But, I also feared admitting my former feelings; afraid he would somehow take back what he said and leave me feeling the fool, yet again... So, I tried to find a third option. Admit it, but only in passing. Don't make a big deal out of it basically.
My reply.
“Oct 11. 2008
Chad the Bug Man. Hey, do what you gotta do. I've been working since I was 16. I was a photographer from 2000-2007 working for Sears Portrait Studio, often coupled along with part-time nanny jobs and working for baby-sitting services or taking school portraits for Lifetouch... Seems I've always been surrounded by children... Oh well, I like them for the most part. Because I know the screaming and tantrums will end eventually.
I just turned 25 last month. I keep telling my mom and brother "I'm a quarter of a century old, its all down hill from here." :)
And yes, I kinda knew about the crush and it was mutual at the time.
My stepdad is sorta teaching me to play the acoustic guitar, but I'm not very good. I've always loved the guitar. Lynn (my stepdad) can tear it up.
I'm glad you are doing so well. Hey didn't your parents and siblings moved back to Wichita? Is Sarah going to school there or working?
What kind of car do you have? I have a typically boring '04 Elantra, but its been a good car. Much better than my first. My first I affectionately call "my little clown car". It was a '95 Ford Aspire and I think it lasted me about a year and a half or two years before the rubber band broke and was forced to buy a new/used car. I think I crammed four teenage guys in the back (two sitting normally with their feet crossed and two with their heads shoved against the ceiling and legs stretched across the other guys legs) and my best friend in the front of my little clown car a few times. Luckily Wichita is small enough that the car trip didn't take that long.
Anyway. TTYL
Crystal”
I had talked to Mom about all of this, of course, and she persists in telling me how if I don't open up I'll be shooting myself in the foot and end up alone. I need to break the cycle. I know this, of course. She doesn't need to keep reminding me of it! Sheesh! And she has always loved Chad. As soon as I told her what he said about the crush when we were kids she's been firmly convinced that we'll end up together; provided “we can set him straight,” biblically speaking. At this I would mentally shake my head and roll my eyes knowing full well he understood more about the Bible than we did. Again, I kind of shrugged it off, pretending to not really care about it, though Mom could see right through my facade.
And, at some point between this last email and the next, when talking to Mom about Chad and the topics we discussed I'd mentioned to her how I thought it was weird that he didn't use his real name on MySpace. The only way I found him was when I searched his sisters name and found her the month before. After a month I checked her friends list again and there was one with no picture and some funky name. Hm. I continued through her page then saw she had some family photos and Chad was tagged as that funky name. Thats when I took the chance and sent him a friend request.
Anyway, Mom suddenly remembered that Talgan was not his last name. His mother had been married before and had Chad, then married Scott and had the rest of her kids. But, she couldn't remember what the real name was. Again, I was blown away... and a little hurt. Most of the time everyone, including myself, called him “Talgan” when we were kids.
It had been almost a week and he hadn't read my last message, but I really wanted to know what was up with his name. So, I went against one of my own personal rules of conduct, namely do not send more than one email if they haven't replied. I will not be looked upon as being desperate. (This rule also applies to phone calls as well.)
“Oct 16, 2008
And by the by, Mr. X, I have a bone to pick with you. A little birdie (my mom) told me that Talgan is not your last name... hmmm.... which explains why the only way i could find you on here was through your sisters page... Uh huh. I see how it is. We were such good friends those many years ago that you never told me your real name. Ah ha! You've been caught! You know I'm so kidding. I'm not really mad. I'm just very sarcastic. :) No, but seriously, there was never one point where you could've corrected anyone that though Talgan was your mom and sisters last name it wasn't yours? Oh, well. I guess it doesn't really matter, but it would've been nice if you had told me. :)
Anyway, hope you're having a good week!
Always,
Cryzzle”
By this point the gaps in our conversations were starting to drive me a little nuts. I tend to get very impatient waiting for a response when it's something I'm interested in. Which of course I would go back and forth in my mind about how I shouldn't feel so antsy because he was nothing more than a friend and I knew that. I also knew that he and I had both changed so much over the years we were virtually strangers. Would I get this way over any other stranger I'd met and began talking to?.No... **heaves an annoyed breath** THIS THE PRECICELY THE REASON I HAVE WALLS!!!
His response.
“Oct 24. 2008
I was ashamed of it then. My father was everything short of a good man. I actually did not start using that name until I met him a few years a ago and learned he is now not the man he was. At that point I was not ashamed to carry the name. I still consider myself Scott's son however. It was a dark past that I wanted to hide. Don't feel bad, my best friends never knew either. My real last name is Simpson. Honestly, I did not want anyone to know at the time, especially given the way people treat those who have been through divorce. I did not want that for my mom. It turns out to not be such a big deal now. In fact here in Arkansas, no one knows me by Talgan. Anyway, now you know a little more about my multiple alias history. I also go by Bond, James Bond...funny right?”
My reply.
“Oct 24, 2008
I understand your reasoning for not telling anyone back then. I probably would've done the same thing. Actually I did... with hold the truth that is, my last name has not changed. Only two people besides my family know what it was like growing up in my house and thats my two best friends. When you knew me I was having a hard time and now as I think back on it I realized my actions when around other people probably screamed "I'm unhappy and I don't know what to do about it!" Though that was the opposite of what i wanted people to think. I dunno. It was too long ago. Time has passed and brought better days and good people into my life and I thank God everyday for it! :)
So, Mr. Bond! How have you been? I heard you guys went camping in the cold! You know I don't think I've ever been camping, other than pitching a tent in the back yard. Oh wait. No, I take that back. A year after mom remarried Lynn took us all camping in Colorado (including two of his three kids, and me and my brother, and mom). It was the summer of all the fires. We got chased all around that state it seemed... That vacation definitely did not go as planned... :)
Oh and I don't know if you will be visiting your family around Christmas time, I know you said you guys don't celebrate that holiday, but I will be home for a few days. Me and several of my friends are going to get together for lunch, probably Saturday, and Sarah said she may come. I would love it if you came too if your in town.
I do still have some questions on Messianic Judaism from the last email I had written about it, but we kinda got off topic. But i'm not complaining! I learned some new information about you! :) But, email it seems is too slow for my patience sometimes... I know, I know... its a virtue I need to work on. So, if its ever easier for you can call my cell at 555-555-5555. (love the cheesy inter net/ tv trick.... like I'm gonna post my phone number.) I kept my WF number so my family and friends wouldn't have to pay to call me. But, if email suites you better thats just fine too. :)
Always,
Cryzzle”
His response.
“Oct 26, 2008
I think it would be pretty cool to hear your voice.
I think it would be better because we can hear instead of read, a lot less misunderstanding takes place that way. I do not observe Christmas, but get the time off from work and it has been the tradition for the past few years to go see the fam. I actually do not eat in public restaurants-just FYI so you don't think me too weird-but if it is after Sabbath aka sundown on Sat. that sounds like a possibility and great opportunity to meet. Sorry us Sabbath keepers are so difficult.
Anywho, one of the best websites out there for what we believe is FFOZ. org (First Fruits of Zion) they have great articles and material and this is the group that is most in line with what I believe.
I hope to hear from you soon, I tend to get busy so if I forget just give me a buzz 555-555-5555
CU
P.S. one of my more recent Alias' is Yosef (Joseph) a biblical name from Mom, it is a custom in parts of our movement to be given a name. I have many names.”
They have more than one name... My mother and I exchanged a curious look on that one.
My response.
“Oct 26, 2008
You change names? Thus the other funky name thing I suppose. Then I must seem very boring to you as the only other names I go by are Cryzzle, Crys, and on a very random occasion Jess calls me Latsyrc. And I in return call her Acissej. Yes, we're very strange people who in their Dr. Pepper induced boredom think of very odd things and run with them. :) But hey it keeps things fun right!
So, do you not eat at any restaurants at all or just on on the Sabbath? I used to work for Jewish people and they did eat out but they didn't eat certain things and were very careful about it. It took me a bit to learn what not to buy for them when I did their shopping for them.
Anyways! Talk to you soon!
Always,
Cryzzle”
This was actually the last email we sent to each other. And I never got an answer about the restaurant thing by the way. (Though I now get it as I've become Kosher... No thanks to Chad's family... grrr...) Starting sometime in November we started talking on the phone. I think it was like the first week or something because the first email I got from Rebbecca (his mother) was on the 14th and I had talked to him before that.
I was actually kind of peeved that he sent me his number. Why couldn't he just call or text me then I'd have it! Again, its the personal rules thing. I will not be the first one to call, friend or otherwise. (I know I'm weird. Shut up.)... And I tried very hard to maintain that. I could just see myself getting carried away and having a repeat, though slightly different, of what happened with the guy in high school. At least the end result. In no way did I ever want to be classified as a clingy girl. Ech. That has always annoyed the crap out of me when girls do that.
More than a week had passed and there was no email response and my phone never rang-- from him at least. Then one day, in a particularly antsy/annoyed/irritated mood both at myself and at Chad for being so slow (and in my mind thinking he probably now regretted the day he accepted my friend request and had absolutely no wish to speak to me), I sent him a text. I don't remember what it said. Something very general probably, like “Just thought I'd see how your day was going” or something similar. And he responded just as generally.
Text then become our main mode of communication. Talking on the phone only randomly.
Its hard to say what our first few phone conversations were about. I think the first time we talked it was for about five or six hours and all we talked about was the Bible and Messianic Judaism which included a very wide range of topics. Since the first “explanation” email my mind was constantly focused on trying to figure out this Messianic Judaism, Chad's POV on it, what I'd always been taught (which was slowly losing its momentum and value in my eyes as I read the Bible in proper context), and what I found when I'd Google it. But I couldn't really talk to anyone about it. It held no interest to anyone besides me. My friends and family were totally content where they were and didn't feel the need to take the chance and find out if they might possibly be wrong. I felt very alone. I could barely understand Chad and for some odd reason when I was talking to him I'd lose my words. I couldn't vocalize my questions or feelings on the subject. It was so frustrating!!! Especially since I have absolutely NO problem talking to EVERONE else about FREAKING ANYTHING and making myself perfectly clear!!!
Anyway, back to the phone calls. I remembered that he tended to ramble when we were kids, but we never talked as long as we were then; so I guess I didn't notice it as much. But, just like his emails he was all over the place. One subject somehow flowing and interconnecting into another by hidden fascets I had obviously missed. I didn't say much during the conversations, though I wasn't completely silent. When I am trying to understand something very difficult and new I pay very close attention to what is being said. Very little mental commentary is going on in my head in response to what I'm hearing as I am just trying to retain the information so I will hopefully be able to recall enough of it to make better sense of it later.
And oh my gosh... There was so much information... Plus another oh-my-gosh is fittingly due to the fact that he brought up some normally skirted by subjects between men and woman. Such as female issues and the like. I think he might have mentioned male masturbation at one point (not a description, but rather what the Torah had to say about it. But, still!). Not something I wanted to think about. Of course my initial response is to close off. These are not proper, suitable subjects to be discussing with a member of the opposite sex that you are just starting to get to know. Heck, just in the last few years have I talked with Jessica about female stuff. AND SHE'S A GIRL! And I'd known her for nine years! Consistently! (10 going on 11 now)
So, over the course of maybe two or three very long phone calls some of what he was saying was starting to make sense. But, I had to concentrate very hard to keep up. A few times I'd actually had to stop him and say “Say that again? What does that mean?” And bless him, he tried; but it didn't always work.
By mid November I had come to the conclusion that the number one, main point in figuring out if all of what he'd been showing me and telling me was true rested solely on The Covenants. I had always been taught there was the “Old Covenant” aka “The Law” and the “New Covenant” aka “Grace.”
“The Law was created to show us that we are not good enough to make it to heaven on our own,” I was always told. “No one can truly keep it. We are not saved by works we are saved by Grace. If we could be saved by works then Christ's death and resurrection would have been in vain. There would have been no point in him coming down here at all. The Law is the Old Covenant. When Christ came he made a New Covenant and all we have to do is believe that He is Christ our Saviour and accept Him into our hearts and acknowledge with our mouths that Jesus is Lord.”
That was my main issue at that point and nothing he was saying seemed to be clicking or making complete sense on the subject.
I'm sure he was very frustrated with me and I was equally sure his patients with my slow brain was going to run out and he'd tell me to just forget about it. But, he seemed kind enough about it, though I could hear the change in his voice sometimes. I wasn't purposefully trying to be argumentative. I was just trying to understand. I was beginning to feel like an imposition, but this was too important to let go.
The unsettled feeling in my heart that I had consistently pushed aside for years, trying to ignore, was stronger than ever now. For months now I had read and re-read his confusing emails trying to make sense of the curious way he sometimes spoke. (I now know that this was what I call Jewish-speak and I find myself using it more than I realize and people will look at me confused and ask me to repeat what I'd just said... the same thing I used to do to Chad... Oh how times change.) I could see some truth in his words when I was able to get beyond the rambling and that fueled me to keep searching.
(When I'd shown his emails to DJ he said the funniest thing. “Well, I guess if you just look at it as whole and don't try and make sense of the individual things, it makes sense.” Hahaha!!! Too true. Although, it's only true because Chad had forgotten how to talk to Church raised gentiles. He'd been in his own world for too long.)
From October to the middle of November or so I would sit down and study my Bible about three or four times a week, trying to find The Truth about The Covenants. Then around mid November all I seemed to do was go straight home after work, sit down on my bed armed with my Bible, my computer, and a notebook and study until I would suddenly feel very sleepy. Then I'd look up to find that it was nearly two o'clock in the morning. This went on for months.
In the beginning of all this I was merely curious about Chad and what he'd become. Then it almost became a personal challenge to understand his explanations. Then when I was starting to see that he was right about several things it came down to the Covenants. I was bound and determined to find out the Truth.
Had I been wrong all these years? Had Mom and the rest of my family? I knew if the answer to that was yes then I would be the only one to acknowledge it. They would more or less close their eyes, cover their ears and tell me that Chad had brainwashed me. That I already knew the Truth and not to talk to him anymore.
In October, actually, I had told my Grandmother that I had been talking to Chad and that he'd converted to Messianic Judaism and had been asking him questions about it. And she, of course, said exactly what I had expected and told me to stay away from him.
“The Devil's just using him to confuse you. You already know the Truth. We are under Grace not Law.” Little did she know that I'd had my doubts about many things I'd been taught in the Church for several years now; long before I ever found Chad again. I decided right then that Grandmother needn't know anymore about my conversations with Chad. It would only cause a problem that I very much wanted to avoid.
I know at some point in the months I had been talking to Chad he was starting to wonder about my intentions, my reasonings for asking him about Messianic Judaism. By the time I had gotten to the truly earnest search for Truth he was sure to be concerned about one of two things. One: that the only reason I was interested in this topic was because I “liked” him and was either trying to impress him or convert so he'd like me too. Or, Two: that I was going to elaborate, drawn out measures to argue with him and try to prove him wrong.
Neither of these was the case. I don't fool around with religion; namely my own faith. Your faith is generally the essence of who you are. Your core. Any former feelings I'd had for him back in the day were of no consequence. It didn't matter. My emotions were completely separate from my logic. Another defense mechanism I've developed. I needed to get my life in order; and what is life without God? What did God really expect of me?
According to the Church, very little. Though that never seemed quite right to me. But, when you're a teenager you tend to take the easy way out in just about any situation. So that's what I had done. Mom said the Church was right. As did Grandmother and Granddad, and Dallas, and everyone else I knew... except Dad. He's never been on the same page as the rest of my family. Which has caused them all to wonder whether or not he's actually saved. It's hard to tell sometimes. Though he acknowledges Christ as Lord he doesn't think He's the only way to God. He thinks that nearly all religions have the same destination, it just depends on what works for you.
...Do you see what I grew up with here? Mom, the conservative Christian, and Dad the “Well, whatever works for you” man. And people wonder why I'm questioning my families religious traditions!
Regarding the last defense mechanism it honestly doesn't make sense to people how I can do that. But, I do. Trish, my boss, had asked me several times about Chad and if I thought we could get together or something. Constantly probing to see if I really liked him romantically or not. But, the thing is I had decided from the beginning that that was not really an option. We were too different religiously. And I need someone who's on the same page as me spiritually... the only problem is... what page am I really on?
One day in the fall of 2008 Trish pointedly asked me “Do you like him?” And I avoided the question. I wasn't going to say yes or no to anyone who asked me that because the issues attached to it were far too big. There was too big of a gap, a difference between us spiritually speaking. Even when my Mom asked that- several times- I would never give her an answer. And she, of course, would reminded me of the walls I'd built around myself.
One day when I was over at her house and we were talking about all of this she actually hung her head and almost started crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she knew I'd always had issues with men as a result of a- for lack of a better word- bad father; but she never wanted any of this for me. She could see how much of an impact the negative things in my childhood had caused me. She felt guilty and responsible, though we both know she did her best. Without her there, being who she was and how she was, there's no doubt in my mind I would be dead now... I was suicidal at several points in my adolescence. It was my upbringing, what Mom had raised me to be, that kept me from going too far. Though my walk was wobbly I tried not to stray too far from God.
I remember specifically one occasion. I was seventeen and the remnants of my crumbling world was falling down around me. Mom had met Lynn and suddenly she was getting married- the quicker the better, it seemed to be. My brother had all but abandoned me. I watched him change from the caring considerate man I had always known to someone I didn't recognize at all, who suddenly despised everything Mom and I stood for. The best friends I had had in a long time were leaving after they graduated. I wasn't speaking to my father. And my Grandmother, as always, made me feel like crap just for being me, all the while telling me she loved me. (Hm.)
I had been driving around with no place to go, crying and praying for God to just take it all away; I couldn't handle it anymore. I finally found myself on Old Iowa Park Road sitting at a gas station parking lot near the train tracks. I was waiting for a train. Considering whether or not if I could really bring myself to park my car on the tracks and just let it take me away. There was no way I would've survived. I knew that. I was counting on that. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. No silver lining to give me hope that all would be well eventually.
So I sat in my car, crying out to God for help. I had been there for maybe forty-five minutes when God told me to turn my car on and go home. Tears still streaming down my face, I obeyed.
Weeks later there had been a story on the news about a man that had committed suicide by driving as fast he could down this one particular residential street and straight into a stone fountain. He died instantly.
One very bad day when all seemed to be closing in on me I drove, crying, through Wichita. I remember being on Lawrence saying to God that I promised not to take my own life, but if He could do it...
Then the news story about the man and the fountain flashed in my mind as I neared the first of two stoplights toward Rae Road. It was a possibility. Surely if I planned it just right I would feel anything. I'd just hear the glass breaking and the crunch of metal around me and then it would be over... but, could I really do it? Letting a train run me over was one thing- it didn't actually require action for anyone but the train, but could I really bring myself to do such a thing? New tears streamed down my face as I prayed aloud one more time, “God please just take it all away. I cannot do this anymore. Please just take me home. I want to go home!”
It was then, as I was turning from Lawrence onto Rae that God spoke, so quietly, yet so clearly that found myself in shock for a few seconds- which is not a good thing when driving. He said, “I'm not done with you yet.” That was all He said. It was enough. The tears ceased immediately. I went home secure at least in the knowledge that God had something else planned for me. I just couldn't figure out what in the world He would want with someone as insignificant as me? My own father never loved me... so how could He?
So, there I sat before my mother, both of us in tears, not knowing what to say. I honestly try to not be the way I am. So... broken... But, when thats really all you've ever known, what are you supposed to do? I've never had a good example of what a normal/healthy person is supposed to be.
In spite of all my walls and defenses, I am now the healthiest I've ever been, mentally and physically. I finally woke up one day in 2007 after years of complaining and whining about all my “Why me's?” I was 230 pounds and miserable in every sense of the word. All I did was work. Had no social life what-so-ever. My best friends still lived in Wichita (I had moved to Austin in 2005). I did have my mother though, she and Lynn followed me to Austin after about a year after I moved here. I felt sick all the time, my diet sucked majorly. I was never taught to eat properly- or in a healthy way. “We're southern” is the excuse from my family. I hadn't found a “good church” in a long time that I fit into. Truth be told, I've never fit in anywhere. I was always the odd-ball. The quiet one, reserved and serious. People my age, for the most part, have always annoyed me. They always seemed too juvenile for my taste.
Starting from November 2007 I took another step in taking control of my life. Slowly my lifestyle changed as I shed myself of the “This is what we've always done” mind set. Well, I may have always done it, but look where it had gotten me. Now, in 2010 I am only about 20 pounds away from my ending goal weight, just above the government recommended weight for someone my size. (I'm sorry, but if I went for the recommended weight I'd look sick.) All in all I feel better than I ever have.
Major things I've changed since 2005 (through 2009):
Broke away from my families (mainly Mom and Grandmother) immediate control by moving to Austin. CHECK!
Broke many of my worst habits in lieu of a healthier lifestyle. CHECK!
Separated myself from the “We” mindset. (“We do this” and “We think that” in stead of “I do this” and “I think that”) CHECK!
Sorting out what I personally, truly believe religiously despite my upbringing in the Church... Nearly checked.
(MORE OF MY JOURNEY IN THE NEXT BLOG)
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