My Journey: The Beginning (1)

Note: Names have been changed to protect certain peoples identity and integrity.


On May 6th, 2009 I found a journal that I had gotten a year earlier while sifting through things as I packed to move. I remembered it as I looked at the spiral bound book. It was called a R.E.A.P Journal, Read Examine Application Prayer. I had gotten it from The Austin Stone, my brother's non-denominational church, the last time I visited. I opened it up to the first page and began to read. There was only one entry, which isn't surprising because I've always been horrible about keeping daily diaries.

It was written 2-19-2008 according to the date in the corner. The verses being reflected on was Proverbs 13:2-20. I had written it out and put marks next to certain verses then made corresponding notations to the marks about how I related to what I saw in the verse. I won't tell you what I wrote there, because it is too personal. But, I will share with you the prayer written below it:

"Lord ,

I have long been absent from your presence. Wounds I thought (hoped) would heal with time on their own only fester. I cannot heal myself. I cannot make the hurt go away. I cannot rid myself of the side effects and personal impacts of my wounds. I trust only a few and long to be heard, but my voice will not speak for fear of being scorned. I have hidden myself so that no one can see me; but also I have forgotten what I look like. Only from memory do I know, and the sad and torn memories out number the good.
I cannot fix myself. I know only you can do that... I am so scared and so torn and so frightful .
For years it seems as if I've been in a pit, scrambling, clawing, begging, trying to get out, but no matter what I do or how I yell and scream I cannot find my way out.
I am alone... Utterly alone... Then , somewhere in my heart, I hear your whisper when I am still. Calling me. Telling me that if I would just seek you, you would be there to help me up; climb out of the pit and into the sunlight where the good that has long been hidden in the blackness of my despair could be found.
I am here now. I am reaching out to you. I cannot heal myself. I do not want to be alone anymore. I miss and long for the days when I was nearer to you. Lord, take my life and use it as you see fit for I am useless without you.
AMEN"


After I read this, sitting alone in my half packed apartment, I reflected on the events of the prior year and where they had lead me. Where God had very obviously moved and answered my prayer in ways I never imagined. Of course, I hadn't realized it until that moment.

The single entry in the REAP journal spoke volumes of my struggle. My struggle to cope with my past, my wounds. My struggle to and make the random jagged pieces of the puzzle that was my spiritual life fit together like I'm told they're supposed to. Told by my grandmother and mother mainly. During the last eight years or so I tried very hard to believe what they had always told me was true. But, as I got older it got harder and harder to honestly make the connections as they see/saw them.

In January of 2008 I found an old friend of mine from the home school group on MySpace: Chad “Talgan” Simpson. I had always known him as Chad Talgan thus the quotations. Anyway, in January I added him as a friend on MySpace and kind of forgot about him for several months... Wow. Thats sounds really bad. But, nonetheless true.

So, June or July rolls around and I am bored and going through my friends list on MySpace and come across his page. So, I open it up and what was the first thing I see but a bunch of Jewish stuff. I think this is odd, but continue on down the page. Then it came to the box near the bottom where it says:
____________________
Status: In A Relationship
Here For: Friends
Orientation: Straight
Religion: Jewish
Smoke/Drink: no/yes
Education: In College
____________________

Yeah-- my mouth fell open when I got to Religion. He grew up like I did. Christian. Baptist. And more than that, I had always considered Chad, more or less, like me. Both quiet, tended to over think/over analyze things and end up talking ourselves out of whatever it is we're stressing about. Also, we both have very strong moral values and family ties. So, all this being said I was rightfully shocked at this new information about my old friend.

My first thought was “What the heck happened here?” What had made this person I had thought to be so like me, at least at one point, make such a drastic leap? Had I missed something? Had he?

So, I emailed him, asking him questions about his change in religion. He clarified that he was a Messianic Jew not a “regular”- as I would say- Jew. This, of course, meant nothing to me. I understood the word “Jew.” And Jews rejected Christ. I was so pissed. How could he do such a thing?!

Again, he clarified- over several long, confusing, complex emails- that he was “Messianic.” Meaning a Jew that believes Christ was/is the Messiah. Basically a Christian Jew as us gentiles would say, though he vehemently rejects that term.

This made me feel a little better. At least he hadn't totally gone off the deep end. But, I was curious how that would actually work; being Jewish and Christian. So the email conversations continued.

Now, it took several emails for me to understand THAT little bit of information. The emails, his and mine, we're generally several weeks apart. He didn't check his email too often and I spent weeks trying to decode the ones he sent me. He rambled(s) like nobodies business. I sent copies of the emails to my brother, my Mother, and my best friends Jessica and DJ. At any one point, on any given evening over the course of about five months I would have have Mom and Lynn (my stepdad), DJ, Jess, and Jess's parents searching out the stuff in the emails and the verses we had always known to disprove them. Again, the verses I was spouting, the ones my friends and family were spouting at me seemed off. Not necessarily flimsy, but not quite fitting somehow. (I later realized that the reason for that was because most of the verses being used were out of context for the appointed topic! But, I'm jumping ahead.)

In the back of my mind as I searched my arsenal of Biblical knowledge, something was still-- off. Something was missing in my own faith or knowledge of the Bible. I've never had a great recall when it comes to the Bible. I'll remember vague general details I'd read or heard at church or from my Grandparents or my brother's friends, but that was about it.

After the first two emails or so from Chad I ended up in the hospital for four days and almost died from an ecoli bladder infection that had actually gotten into my bloodstream. Needless to say I was not in good spirits and got every depressed. Plus I was extremely angry at my Mother, who for nearly three days wouldn't take me to the doctor- trying to save money... Also my brother was actually going to grace them with his presence and therefore she was very focused on getting the house ready for him and Lindsay, his wife, when they came over on Sunday for lunch.

I couldn't drive. My senses were too badly altered for the task by that point. I was in a tremendous amount of pain. I could barely walk and had a difficult enough time trying to find at least a semi-comfortable position to lay in- which was on my right side-ish and even THAT was uncomfortable. Saturday night I passed out several times in the bathroom. I called Mom and she sounded like she really didn't want to come and take me to the hospital. She thought it might just be my blood sugar (I am hypoglycemic), though I seriously had my doubts. I know what low blood sugar feels like and that wasn't it.

The next morning Jess called to check on me and I told her what had happened with the passing out and all, and what Mom had said. She was pissed at my mother and kept telling me to go to the ER. I told her I couldn't drive and I cant afford for an ambulance to come and get me; I was uninsured. I had no one else to call. My friend Hunter had moved to Korea a month before and he was the only one who I knew I could've called for help.

Finally at 2PM on Sunday I took Jessica's advice and called Mom and demanded that she take me to the ER. Begrudgingly she agreed and showed up at my house (a 20 minute drive) at 5:30PM. She tried to nurse me herself, still not liking the idea of taking me to the ER, hoping that I could just hold out and go to my regular doctor the next day. She called the On-Call doctor and told him what my symptoms were and he said to take me to the ER immediately. By 7PM we arrive at the ER (2 blocks from my house). 11PM I was admitted into the hospital. My dad came down the next morning from Burk and stayed with me, thank the Lord.

Over the next three days I was poked and prodded, having blood drawn every few hours. Finally, we found out what was wrong. Ecoli bladder infection that had gotten into my bloodstream and was on its way to my kidneys. The doctor also said that had we waited even a day longer I would probably have died. And if I did, by some miracle, survive, I would have needed to be on dialysis for the rest of my life... I was livid.

So, in my depressed state of mind I hardly turned my computer on much less try to respond to complicated emails. Several days after I had been home from the hospital I got an email from Chad, obviously worried. It said:

“Sept. 21, 2008
I read over what I wrote you last and thought there may have been some things that may have come across as a little harsh towards Christians and Messianics that I disagree with. I hope this is not the reason I have not heard from you. If it is please forgive me. I have not changed since our families were close in the fact that I often do not think before I speak-- or in this case, type. If anything was hurtful, please allow me to correct it. One thing I do not want is to offend a fellow sister in Messiah. It was great hearing from you. Your family has always meant the word to me, especially you and Dallas. I just hope I have not hurt the chance of us being friends again.

Sincerely I Remain Your Servant
Chad”

Though I didn't feel like communicating with anyone as I was still unwell from my illness, guilt for causing him worry over took my selfish need for peace and rest. I had to respond.

“Sept. 21, 2008
No, I was not offended. I've been in the hospital since I last heard from you. I've only been out since last Thursday. Had an ecoli bladder infection that was going to my kidneys. Almost didn't catch it. They said if they didn't get it when they did I wouldn't have made it.
Before I got sick I was still in the process of researching the content of your email.
No worries. You did not offend me to the point of my not talking to you anymore.
Talk to you later.
Crystal”

I know. Not the most eloquent thing I've ever written, but hey, I was delirious from pain and medications. Give me a break.

His response was surprisingly prompt.

“Sept. 21, 2008
I am so sorry you were sick and am very happy you made it through! I am glad you were not offended, I do get carried away at times. I pray you have a speedy recovery!
Chad”

I don't remember when I actually responded to the last “explanation” email, but I remember being very blunt in my opinion regarding some things he'd said about more questions on Messianic Judaism. It was a while between the email I had sent and his response. So, about 2 or so weeks afterward I sent another. (I'm currently finding it very irritating not being able to remember exactly what my questions were and his answers. I just remember my reactions. Too much has happened since then.... Plus the fact that I found it maddening difficult to word my questions and concerns at the time didn't help matters much either.)

“Oct. 7. 2008
Hey I hope my last email didn't offend you. I am just trying to understand your statements. If I did I am sorry and hope you'll forgive me. Anyway, hope you're doing well.
Crystal”

His response.

“Oct. 9, 2008
No not at all, I must have written something that appeared that way and if that is the case, I did not mean for it. I ask that you forgive my zeal, and not take it as being offended. I am glad you are curious about what I believe. Next time I will be sure to proof read and make sure I am more careful. This is why I prefer to talk, it is easy to mis-type and mis-read, of which I am guilty of both. It is therefore I who should apologize. Forgive my carelessness.
I am doing well and hope you are too. The family is coming up to see next week and I am excited. It has been a while.
I really do mean it when I say I hope to see you again. I am not quite as shy around women as I once was and I think we could be much better friends now that I am not so much of a chicken. I have changed so much that in reality I doubt you would find much if any of what you knew.
Take care, and many blessings.
Me”

My mouth fell open when he said he needed to make sure and “proof read” his emails before he sends them. I was thinking, “You write a freaking BOOK over email and you're not proofing it before you send it! What the heck, man?” I shook my head. No wonder half of the stuff he said was next to impossible to understand. I'm sure if he'd read it first he'd've been confused too!

But, I couldn't say that to him. It would be rude, and I was raised to be respectful even when someone does something really... yeah, I'm gonna stop there. I was frustrated, lets just leave it at that.

My response.

“Oct 10, 2008
Okay, no problem. Starting over sounds like a good idea. Oh, and tell me what you're doing these days... I'm not sure that I asked that. I told mom that I had talked to you on here and she asked what you did and I realized that I had no idea... or couldn't remember.

It would be great to see you again. Though I must admit I don't remember you being THAT shy around woman/girls. I mean, you tended to be shy a bit in general, but I didn't notice it especially when you were around woman.
And I'm sure you would think that the girl you knew some ten or so years ago has nearly disappeared. Or at least, that's my opinion. I finally found my voice a year or so after I graduated. I always thought most peoples opinion of me was that of a girl who would accept whatever you said, a doormat, easily forgotten or dismissed. I finally had enough of that and started speaking up. I try my hardest not to purposefully offend people, mind you. And if I ever do offend you I apologize in advance and please know it was not done knowingly.

Anyway, I hope to hear your response to my last inquiry, that is if you still have the email. If you don't let me know and I'll resend it.

Thank you for being so open and informative.
Crystal”

His response.


“Oct 11, 2008

I am glad we can...few get second chances, I am fortunate.

I am in college about to complete my second and start my 3rd year in Business. I have pretty much been single since I was 16 save a relationship that I entered into a year ago last month and ended this summer. I will be 25 this Dec. I feel like my youth is leaving me...single. I have been working for "The Bug Man" as a termite technician for the past 2.5 years and counting. Pretty good job and hey it pays the bills and lets me go to the movies once in a while. I have become a musician, I play bass guitar, guitar, aux percussion, even have a cello-just can't play it yet. That pretty much sums it up. I drive a pretty cool car, its small fast, but looks like a normal car-what we geeks call a "sleeper".

I was pretty much shy all around, but had a terrifying fear of women. I was nervous around them and I kind of had a crush on you back then, but would never say it because I did not think you liked me and knew your family wouldn't go for it. Puppy luv, so to speak.
When I saw your friend request, I got excited because your family comes to mind often.
I am glad you have a voice. You don't need to be a doormat, no one deserves that. And as for offenses, I am not that easy to offend, but I know sometimes there are things I say that are harsh. For that I too apologize in advance.

Take care,
Chad”

Now, at least at one point when we were young I knew he'd liked me, and I liked him as well. But, he never said anything so I assumed that I had been wrong, that he was never interested in me in any other way than a friend.

This kind of thing seems to have happened quite a few times in the last several years I've come to find out. Guys that I had liked back in the day that never said anything at the time have come out of the wood work as they say and actually confessed their former crush... “Why,” I thought, “do they always wait until its too late? Geez.”

Of course there was one guy who came along a while after Chad's family and my family had drifted apart, during the latter part of high school. That was a huge crush on my part, and major flirting was happening on both sides. Without going into too much detail let just say that I was understandably off limits and I understood that so I never officially said anything... as usual. After we'd graduated his family moved away, but stayed in touch for about a year. Talking on the phone almost every night for hour at a time. He called me most of the time, but I called sometimes too when I could afford a calling card. (This was before I could afford a “real” cell phone plan.) Then one day something changed. Almost over night he'd become an intolerable jerk. It seemed like he was looking for something to get mad at me about so he could yell. Very unlike him. And when he couldn't find anything he would make something up or be pissed about absolutely nothing... At the time I figured he was just trying to sever ties with his old life in Wichita. I could understand that, but it still hurt.

Everything that I had liked about him, his virtues, moral fiber, true to his word, selflessness, incredible knowledge of the Bible- all of it disappeared; leaving only the body of my once close friend to blend flawlessly into “The World.”

Now, the reason I mention this guy is because though it was a mutual crush at the time- and everyone saw it. Various people would come up and ask me if we were going out all the time and I'd tell them “No” and they'd seem surprised. I found out a few years later that he'd told people that he'd always 'felt bad about me.' That he'd never liked me in that way, and he'd say this while shaking his head and add “poor girl” as if he truly pitied me.

Because of him the major trust issues I already had about men due to my father magnified. It cemented in my mind that there were no “good guys” in the world and those that looked like they could be were only pretending; looking for any opening to hurt you, then laugh about it.

Yeah, like I said, I had issues. I know that is not always true, but still, the “good guys” are few and far between... And at this point they all seem to be taken, I might add.

So, when Chad actually admitted that, at least back then, he had liked me I was taken aback; impressed by his honesty.

But, this posed a problem, too. Gradually over the course of my childhood and into adulthood I had built walls around myself to protect my fragile heart. It has become very difficult to show emotion to people I don't know really well, much less let them know anything besides the surface stuff about me. The few times I've let someone in and told them about my life and my childhood it backfired. They either don't believe me or think I'm exaggerating. Either way, they never look at me the same if they look at me at all.

The defense mechanisms that I've developed over the years just turns on automatically now. Always careful, though unconsciously, to not reveal anything very personal about myself. General information only.

I knew if I said nothing in response to his confession he would think he was right, that I had never liked him and would wish he'd never mentioned it and probably act very awkward when speaking to me; which probably wouldn't be too much longer if I ignored it. But, I also feared admitting my former feelings; afraid he would somehow take back what he said and leave me feeling the fool, yet again... So, I tried to find a third option. Admit it, but only in passing. Don't make a big deal out of it basically.

My reply.

“Oct 11. 2008
Chad the Bug Man. Hey, do what you gotta do. I've been working since I was 16. I was a photographer from 2000-2007 working for Sears Portrait Studio, often coupled along with part-time nanny jobs and working for baby-sitting services or taking school portraits for Lifetouch... Seems I've always been surrounded by children... Oh well, I like them for the most part. Because I know the screaming and tantrums will end eventually.
I just turned 25 last month. I keep telling my mom and brother "I'm a quarter of a century old, its all down hill from here." :)
And yes, I kinda knew about the crush and it was mutual at the time.
My stepdad is sorta teaching me to play the acoustic guitar, but I'm not very good. I've always loved the guitar. Lynn (my stepdad) can tear it up.
I'm glad you are doing so well. Hey didn't your parents and siblings moved back to Wichita? Is Sarah going to school there or working?
What kind of car do you have? I have a typically boring '04 Elantra, but its been a good car. Much better than my first. My first I affectionately call "my little clown car". It was a '95 Ford Aspire and I think it lasted me about a year and a half or two years before the rubber band broke and was forced to buy a new/used car. I think I crammed four teenage guys in the back (two sitting normally with their feet crossed and two with their heads shoved against the ceiling and legs stretched across the other guys legs) and my best friend in the front of my little clown car a few times. Luckily Wichita is small enough that the car trip didn't take that long.
Anyway. TTYL
Crystal”

I had talked to Mom about all of this, of course, and she persists in telling me how if I don't open up I'll be shooting myself in the foot and end up alone. I need to break the cycle. I know this, of course. She doesn't need to keep reminding me of it! Sheesh! And she has always loved Chad. As soon as I told her what he said about the crush when we were kids she's been firmly convinced that we'll end up together; provided “we can set him straight,” biblically speaking. At this I would mentally shake my head and roll my eyes knowing full well he understood more about the Bible than we did. Again, I kind of shrugged it off, pretending to not really care about it, though Mom could see right through my facade.

And, at some point between this last email and the next, when talking to Mom about Chad and the topics we discussed I'd mentioned to her how I thought it was weird that he didn't use his real name on MySpace. The only way I found him was when I searched his sisters name and found her the month before. After a month I checked her friends list again and there was one with no picture and some funky name. Hm. I continued through her page then saw she had some family photos and Chad was tagged as that funky name. Thats when I took the chance and sent him a friend request.

Anyway, Mom suddenly remembered that Talgan was not his last name. His mother had been married before and had Chad, then married Scott and had the rest of her kids. But, she couldn't remember what the real name was. Again, I was blown away... and a little hurt. Most of the time everyone, including myself, called him “Talgan” when we were kids.

It had been almost a week and he hadn't read my last message, but I really wanted to know what was up with his name. So, I went against one of my own personal rules of conduct, namely do not send more than one email if they haven't replied. I will not be looked upon as being desperate. (This rule also applies to phone calls as well.)

“Oct 16, 2008
And by the by, Mr. X, I have a bone to pick with you. A little birdie (my mom) told me that Talgan is not your last name... hmmm.... which explains why the only way i could find you on here was through your sisters page... Uh huh. I see how it is. We were such good friends those many years ago that you never told me your real name. Ah ha! You've been caught! You know I'm so kidding. I'm not really mad. I'm just very sarcastic. :) No, but seriously, there was never one point where you could've corrected anyone that though Talgan was your mom and sisters last name it wasn't yours? Oh, well. I guess it doesn't really matter, but it would've been nice if you had told me. :)
Anyway, hope you're having a good week!
Always,
Cryzzle”

By this point the gaps in our conversations were starting to drive me a little nuts. I tend to get very impatient waiting for a response when it's something I'm interested in. Which of course I would go back and forth in my mind about how I shouldn't feel so antsy because he was nothing more than a friend and I knew that. I also knew that he and I had both changed so much over the years we were virtually strangers. Would I get this way over any other stranger I'd met and began talking to?.No... **heaves an annoyed breath** THIS THE PRECICELY THE REASON I HAVE WALLS!!!

His response.

“Oct 24. 2008
I was ashamed of it then. My father was everything short of a good man. I actually did not start using that name until I met him a few years a ago and learned he is now not the man he was. At that point I was not ashamed to carry the name. I still consider myself Scott's son however. It was a dark past that I wanted to hide. Don't feel bad, my best friends never knew either. My real last name is Simpson. Honestly, I did not want anyone to know at the time, especially given the way people treat those who have been through divorce. I did not want that for my mom. It turns out to not be such a big deal now. In fact here in Arkansas, no one knows me by Talgan. Anyway, now you know a little more about my multiple alias history. I also go by Bond, James Bond...funny right?”

My reply.

“Oct 24, 2008
I understand your reasoning for not telling anyone back then. I probably would've done the same thing. Actually I did... with hold the truth that is, my last name has not changed. Only two people besides my family know what it was like growing up in my house and thats my two best friends. When you knew me I was having a hard time and now as I think back on it I realized my actions when around other people probably screamed "I'm unhappy and I don't know what to do about it!" Though that was the opposite of what i wanted people to think. I dunno. It was too long ago. Time has passed and brought better days and good people into my life and I thank God everyday for it! :)

So, Mr. Bond! How have you been? I heard you guys went camping in the cold! You know I don't think I've ever been camping, other than pitching a tent in the back yard. Oh wait. No, I take that back. A year after mom remarried Lynn took us all camping in Colorado (including two of his three kids, and me and my brother, and mom). It was the summer of all the fires. We got chased all around that state it seemed... That vacation definitely did not go as planned... :)

Oh and I don't know if you will be visiting your family around Christmas time, I know you said you guys don't celebrate that holiday, but I will be home for a few days. Me and several of my friends are going to get together for lunch, probably Saturday, and Sarah said she may come. I would love it if you came too if your in town.

I do still have some questions on Messianic Judaism from the last email I had written about it, but we kinda got off topic. But i'm not complaining! I learned some new information about you! :) But, email it seems is too slow for my patience sometimes... I know, I know... its a virtue I need to work on. So, if its ever easier for you can call my cell at 555-555-5555. (love the cheesy inter net/ tv trick.... like I'm gonna post my phone number.) I kept my WF number so my family and friends wouldn't have to pay to call me. But, if email suites you better thats just fine too. :)
Always,
Cryzzle”

His response.

“Oct 26, 2008
I think it would be pretty cool to hear your voice.
I think it would be better because we can hear instead of read, a lot less misunderstanding takes place that way. I do not observe Christmas, but get the time off from work and it has been the tradition for the past few years to go see the fam. I actually do not eat in public restaurants-just FYI so you don't think me too weird-but if it is after Sabbath aka sundown on Sat. that sounds like a possibility and great opportunity to meet. Sorry us Sabbath keepers are so difficult.
Anywho, one of the best websites out there for what we believe is FFOZ. org (First Fruits of Zion) they have great articles and material and this is the group that is most in line with what I believe.
I hope to hear from you soon, I tend to get busy so if I forget just give me a buzz 555-555-5555
CU
P.S. one of my more recent Alias' is Yosef (Joseph) a biblical name from Mom, it is a custom in parts of our movement to be given a name. I have many names.”

They have more than one name... My mother and I exchanged a curious look on that one.

My response.

“Oct 26, 2008
You change names? Thus the other funky name thing I suppose. Then I must seem very boring to you as the only other names I go by are Cryzzle, Crys, and on a very random occasion Jess calls me Latsyrc. And I in return call her Acissej. Yes, we're very strange people who in their Dr. Pepper induced boredom think of very odd things and run with them. :) But hey it keeps things fun right!
So, do you not eat at any restaurants at all or just on on the Sabbath? I used to work for Jewish people and they did eat out but they didn't eat certain things and were very careful about it. It took me a bit to learn what not to buy for them when I did their shopping for them.
Anyways! Talk to you soon!
Always,
Cryzzle”

This was actually the last email we sent to each other. And I never got an answer about the restaurant thing by the way. (Though I now get it as I've become Kosher... No thanks to Chad's family... grrr...) Starting sometime in November we started talking on the phone. I think it was like the first week or something because the first email I got from Rebbecca (his mother) was on the 14th and I had talked to him before that.

I was actually kind of peeved that he sent me his number. Why couldn't he just call or text me then I'd have it! Again, its the personal rules thing. I will not be the first one to call, friend or otherwise. (I know I'm weird. Shut up.)... And I tried very hard to maintain that. I could just see myself getting carried away and having a repeat, though slightly different, of what happened with the guy in high school. At least the end result. In no way did I ever want to be classified as a clingy girl. Ech. That has always annoyed the crap out of me when girls do that.

More than a week had passed and there was no email response and my phone never rang-- from him at least. Then one day, in a particularly antsy/annoyed/irritated mood both at myself and at Chad for being so slow (and in my mind thinking he probably now regretted the day he accepted my friend request and had absolutely no wish to speak to me), I sent him a text. I don't remember what it said. Something very general probably, like “Just thought I'd see how your day was going” or something similar. And he responded just as generally.

Text then become our main mode of communication. Talking on the phone only randomly.

Its hard to say what our first few phone conversations were about. I think the first time we talked it was for about five or six hours and all we talked about was the Bible and Messianic Judaism which included a very wide range of topics. Since the first “explanation” email my mind was constantly focused on trying to figure out this Messianic Judaism, Chad's POV on it, what I'd always been taught (which was slowly losing its momentum and value in my eyes as I read the Bible in proper context), and what I found when I'd Google it. But I couldn't really talk to anyone about it. It held no interest to anyone besides me. My friends and family were totally content where they were and didn't feel the need to take the chance and find out if they might possibly be wrong. I felt very alone. I could barely understand Chad and for some odd reason when I was talking to him I'd lose my words. I couldn't vocalize my questions or feelings on the subject. It was so frustrating!!! Especially since I have absolutely NO problem talking to EVERONE else about FREAKING ANYTHING and making myself perfectly clear!!!

Anyway, back to the phone calls. I remembered that he tended to ramble when we were kids, but we never talked as long as we were then; so I guess I didn't notice it as much. But, just like his emails he was all over the place. One subject somehow flowing and interconnecting into another by hidden fascets I had obviously missed. I didn't say much during the conversations, though I wasn't completely silent. When I am trying to understand something very difficult and new I pay very close attention to what is being said. Very little mental commentary is going on in my head in response to what I'm hearing as I am just trying to retain the information so I will hopefully be able to recall enough of it to make better sense of it later.

And oh my gosh... There was so much information... Plus another oh-my-gosh is fittingly due to the fact that he brought up some normally skirted by subjects between men and woman. Such as female issues and the like. I think he might have mentioned male masturbation at one point (not a description, but rather what the Torah had to say about it. But, still!). Not something I wanted to think about. Of course my initial response is to close off. These are not proper, suitable subjects to be discussing with a member of the opposite sex that you are just starting to get to know. Heck, just in the last few years have I talked with Jessica about female stuff. AND SHE'S A GIRL! And I'd known her for nine years! Consistently! (10 going on 11 now)

So, over the course of maybe two or three very long phone calls some of what he was saying was starting to make sense. But, I had to concentrate very hard to keep up. A few times I'd actually had to stop him and say “Say that again? What does that mean?” And bless him, he tried; but it didn't always work.

By mid November I had come to the conclusion that the number one, main point in figuring out if all of what he'd been showing me and telling me was true rested solely on The Covenants. I had always been taught there was the “Old Covenant” aka “The Law” and the “New Covenant” aka “Grace.”

“The Law was created to show us that we are not good enough to make it to heaven on our own,” I was always told. “No one can truly keep it. We are not saved by works we are saved by Grace. If we could be saved by works then Christ's death and resurrection would have been in vain. There would have been no point in him coming down here at all. The Law is the Old Covenant. When Christ came he made a New Covenant and all we have to do is believe that He is Christ our Saviour and accept Him into our hearts and acknowledge with our mouths that Jesus is Lord.”

That was my main issue at that point and nothing he was saying seemed to be clicking or making complete sense on the subject.

I'm sure he was very frustrated with me and I was equally sure his patients with my slow brain was going to run out and he'd tell me to just forget about it. But, he seemed kind enough about it, though I could hear the change in his voice sometimes. I wasn't purposefully trying to be argumentative. I was just trying to understand. I was beginning to feel like an imposition, but this was too important to let go.

The unsettled feeling in my heart that I had consistently pushed aside for years, trying to ignore, was stronger than ever now. For months now I had read and re-read his confusing emails trying to make sense of the curious way he sometimes spoke. (I now know that this was what I call Jewish-speak and I find myself using it more than I realize and people will look at me confused and ask me to repeat what I'd just said... the same thing I used to do to Chad... Oh how times change.) I could see some truth in his words when I was able to get beyond the rambling and that fueled me to keep searching.

(When I'd shown his emails to DJ he said the funniest thing. “Well, I guess if you just look at it as whole and don't try and make sense of the individual things, it makes sense.” Hahaha!!! Too true. Although, it's only true because Chad had forgotten how to talk to Church raised gentiles. He'd been in his own world for too long.)

From October to the middle of November or so I would sit down and study my Bible about three or four times a week, trying to find The Truth about The Covenants. Then around mid November all I seemed to do was go straight home after work, sit down on my bed armed with my Bible, my computer, and a notebook and study until I would suddenly feel very sleepy. Then I'd look up to find that it was nearly two o'clock in the morning. This went on for months.

In the beginning of all this I was merely curious about Chad and what he'd become. Then it almost became a personal challenge to understand his explanations. Then when I was starting to see that he was right about several things it came down to the Covenants. I was bound and determined to find out the Truth.

Had I been wrong all these years? Had Mom and the rest of my family? I knew if the answer to that was yes then I would be the only one to acknowledge it. They would more or less close their eyes, cover their ears and tell me that Chad had brainwashed me. That I already knew the Truth and not to talk to him anymore.


In October, actually, I had told my Grandmother that I had been talking to Chad and that he'd converted to Messianic Judaism and had been asking him questions about it. And she, of course, said exactly what I had expected and told me to stay away from him.

“The Devil's just using him to confuse you. You already know the Truth. We are under Grace not Law.” Little did she know that I'd had my doubts about many things I'd been taught in the Church for several years now; long before I ever found Chad again. I decided right then that Grandmother needn't know anymore about my conversations with Chad. It would only cause a problem that I very much wanted to avoid.

I know at some point in the months I had been talking to Chad he was starting to wonder about my intentions, my reasonings for asking him about Messianic Judaism. By the time I had gotten to the truly earnest search for Truth he was sure to be concerned about one of two things. One: that the only reason I was interested in this topic was because I “liked” him and was either trying to impress him or convert so he'd like me too. Or, Two: that I was going to elaborate, drawn out measures to argue with him and try to prove him wrong.

Neither of these was the case. I don't fool around with religion; namely my own faith. Your faith is generally the essence of who you are. Your core. Any former feelings I'd had for him back in the day were of no consequence. It didn't matter. My emotions were completely separate from my logic. Another defense mechanism I've developed. I needed to get my life in order; and what is life without God? What did God really expect of me?

According to the Church, very little. Though that never seemed quite right to me. But, when you're a teenager you tend to take the easy way out in just about any situation. So that's what I had done. Mom said the Church was right. As did Grandmother and Granddad, and Dallas, and everyone else I knew... except Dad. He's never been on the same page as the rest of my family. Which has caused them all to wonder whether or not he's actually saved. It's hard to tell sometimes. Though he acknowledges Christ as Lord he doesn't think He's the only way to God. He thinks that nearly all religions have the same destination, it just depends on what works for you.

...Do you see what I grew up with here? Mom, the conservative Christian, and Dad the “Well, whatever works for you” man. And people wonder why I'm questioning my families religious traditions!

Regarding the last defense mechanism it honestly doesn't make sense to people how I can do that. But, I do. Trish, my boss, had asked me several times about Chad and if I thought we could get together or something. Constantly probing to see if I really liked him romantically or not. But, the thing is I had decided from the beginning that that was not really an option. We were too different religiously. And I need someone who's on the same page as me spiritually... the only problem is... what page am I really on?

One day in the fall of 2008 Trish pointedly asked me “Do you like him?” And I avoided the question. I wasn't going to say yes or no to anyone who asked me that because the issues attached to it were far too big. There was too big of a gap, a difference between us spiritually speaking. Even when my Mom asked that- several times- I would never give her an answer. And she, of course, would reminded me of the walls I'd built around myself.

One day when I was over at her house and we were talking about all of this she actually hung her head and almost started crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she knew I'd always had issues with men as a result of a- for lack of a better word- bad father; but she never wanted any of this for me. She could see how much of an impact the negative things in my childhood had caused me. She felt guilty and responsible, though we both know she did her best. Without her there, being who she was and how she was, there's no doubt in my mind I would be dead now... I was suicidal at several points in my adolescence. It was my upbringing, what Mom had raised me to be, that kept me from going too far. Though my walk was wobbly I tried not to stray too far from God.

I remember specifically one occasion. I was seventeen and the remnants of my crumbling world was falling down around me. Mom had met Lynn and suddenly she was getting married- the quicker the better, it seemed to be. My brother had all but abandoned me. I watched him change from the caring considerate man I had always known to someone I didn't recognize at all, who suddenly despised everything Mom and I stood for. The best friends I had had in a long time were leaving after they graduated. I wasn't speaking to my father. And my Grandmother, as always, made me feel like crap just for being me, all the while telling me she loved me. (Hm.)

I had been driving around with no place to go, crying and praying for God to just take it all away; I couldn't handle it anymore. I finally found myself on Old Iowa Park Road sitting at a gas station parking lot near the train tracks. I was waiting for a train. Considering whether or not if I could really bring myself to park my car on the tracks and just let it take me away. There was no way I would've survived. I knew that. I was counting on that. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. No silver lining to give me hope that all would be well eventually.

So I sat in my car, crying out to God for help. I had been there for maybe forty-five minutes when God told me to turn my car on and go home. Tears still streaming down my face, I obeyed.

Weeks later there had been a story on the news about a man that had committed suicide by driving as fast he could down this one particular residential street and straight into a stone fountain. He died instantly.

One very bad day when all seemed to be closing in on me I drove, crying, through Wichita. I remember being on Lawrence saying to God that I promised not to take my own life, but if He could do it...

Then the news story about the man and the fountain flashed in my mind as I neared the first of two stoplights toward Rae Road. It was a possibility. Surely if I planned it just right I would feel anything. I'd just hear the glass breaking and the crunch of metal around me and then it would be over... but, could I really do it? Letting a train run me over was one thing- it didn't actually require action for anyone but the train, but could I really bring myself to do such a thing? New tears streamed down my face as I prayed aloud one more time, “God please just take it all away. I cannot do this anymore. Please just take me home. I want to go home!”

It was then, as I was turning from Lawrence onto Rae that God spoke, so quietly, yet so clearly that found myself in shock for a few seconds- which is not a good thing when driving. He said, “I'm not done with you yet.” That was all He said. It was enough. The tears ceased immediately. I went home secure at least in the knowledge that God had something else planned for me. I just couldn't figure out what in the world He would want with someone as insignificant as me? My own father never loved me... so how could He?

So, there I sat before my mother, both of us in tears, not knowing what to say. I honestly try to not be the way I am. So... broken... But, when thats really all you've ever known, what are you supposed to do? I've never had a good example of what a normal/healthy person is supposed to be.

In spite of all my walls and defenses, I am now the healthiest I've ever been, mentally and physically. I finally woke up one day in 2007 after years of complaining and whining about all my “Why me's?” I was 230 pounds and miserable in every sense of the word. All I did was work. Had no social life what-so-ever. My best friends still lived in Wichita (I had moved to Austin in 2005). I did have my mother though, she and Lynn followed me to Austin after about a year after I moved here. I felt sick all the time, my diet sucked majorly. I was never taught to eat properly- or in a healthy way. “We're southern” is the excuse from my family. I hadn't found a “good church” in a long time that I fit into. Truth be told, I've never fit in anywhere. I was always the odd-ball. The quiet one, reserved and serious. People my age, for the most part, have always annoyed me. They always seemed too juvenile for my taste.

Starting from November 2007 I took another step in taking control of my life. Slowly my lifestyle changed as I shed myself of the “This is what we've always done” mind set. Well, I may have always done it, but look where it had gotten me. Now, in 2010 I am only about 20 pounds away from my ending goal weight, just above the government recommended weight for someone my size. (I'm sorry, but if I went for the recommended weight I'd look sick.) All in all I feel better than I ever have.


Major things I've changed since 2005 (through 2009):

Broke away from my families (mainly Mom and Grandmother) immediate control by moving to Austin. CHECK!

Broke many of my worst habits in lieu of a healthier lifestyle. CHECK!

Separated myself from the “We” mindset. (“We do this” and “We think that” in stead of “I do this” and “I think that”) CHECK!

Sorting out what I personally, truly believe religiously despite my upbringing in the Church... Nearly checked.

(MORE OF MY JOURNEY IN THE NEXT BLOG)