While attending Zion I started going to a Hebrew class, learning to read and write the letters in the Alephbet. The more bible studies that I went to I learned a little about the root words inside the Hebrew words and the individual meanings to those words. It was like a whole sentence or concept the middle of a completely separate word. Along with root words I learned about the letters themselves and the various meanings behind them and the pronunciation.
Due to my work schedule and my own private bible study and basic lack of energy I was only able to go to the Hebrew class for a few weeks. Then we lost our building and the class was canceled indefinitely... I felt cheated. :( There was SO much I wanted to learn. And as I slowly began to learning of all the things about this faith I wanted to know it all and I wanted to know NOW! I know, I know. Patience is a virtue... But when you've suddenly realized there was a whole new world right in front of your nose its hard to just stand still, staying right where you've always been, or at the very least go at steady walker's pace.
The language alone was fascinating enough by itself, but to add the fact that this was what God's chosen people lived by, by what HE decreed made it all the more intriguing. I wanted to know what the Torah actually said, what Our Father had actually commanded verses the man-made laws of the Rabbinic traditions. A lot of the Rabbinic traditions in my point of view at this point are what I call “just in case” rules. Taking away even the minute possibility that they might accidentally break a commandment. Which by the way, there are more than 10 if you actually read the book. :)
Christianity has as much oral traditions as any other religion. Being raised in the faith myself I was basically taught theology my entire life. When I read the Bible I saw doctrine. I'd see that “this verse” is connected to “this theology” or “doctrine” from “this denomination,” rather than looking at the book or chapter as a whole. As a result of this verses are usually understood wrongly, in a way that was not intended, because it is taken out of context. You have to understand who is talking and who they are talking to, Jews or Gentiles. If it is a Jew they are expected to know their own histories and traditions and ways. It does not need to be explained letter by letter because they already know it. It is in the Scriptures, the Torah. That was one thing that always confused me growing up. When it said in the new testament “as it says in the Scriptures.” I was like, “What? These ARE the Scriptures!”
The most of the Torah (the five books of Moses) that I was familiar with from 25 years of being taught in the Church that I could remember was limited to the Exodus story and the Creation story. Our main focus was on the latter part of the Old Testament and all of the New Testament.
But now there was so much and I just couldn't take it all in fast enough. I was hungry for it and excited about it all... but, I had no one to talk to about it with. Chad had said “Well, thats what I'm here for,” but it didn't feel that way. He didn't understand me most of the time because of living in his head for so long. I swear no matter what I was talking about it usually seemed like he was only half listening at best because he was already formulating the next thing he was going to say. It also felt like it wasn't new to him so therefore he didn't see the big deal, like why would I bring it up? So, here I was, about to burst for all the wonderful new things I was learning and could share it with no one... I felt even more alone than before.
By the second month I attended Zion I had accepted the Truth of the Covenants. I saw that the New Testament was merely a continuation of the “Old Covenant,” not to replace it, but to fulfill it and add to it. Nowhere in the New Testament does it say that the Law was done away with. Romans 3:31 “Do we, then, nullify the law by this faith? Not at all! Rather, we uphold the law.” All over the Bible it talks about righteousness and being righteous. Well, how are we supposed to be righteous? What are the qualifications? Depends on who you ask. Righteousness for man is completely different than what Our Father has clearly declared. It was not made a secret by any means, especially during these modern times. Bibles are available everywhere.
And as I mentioned earlier I eat Kosher. I do not eat pork or shellfish, nor do I eat meat and dairy together. Now some choose not to abide by the meat and dairy rule as it was not clearly defined rule. Its base on a verse that says “do not boil a kidd in its mothers milk.” But, I've done years of research (before I ever started my current walk) on health and nutrition and many nutritionists of no religious affiliation have all said that it is much harder on your body to digest meat and dairy together. That is why so many people have digestive problems and will often get very tired after they eat. When you sleep, you see, that is when your body is repairing itself. .. I'm gonna have to stop on that subject. I could go on for ours about eating and food and research.
I had also made some very good friends there that I still talk to often and go to for advise. My best friend from there was Bonnie, who had started going the October before me. I started the Shabbat right after Passover of 2009. I was relieved to know she was going through some of the same things I was. It was like pulling teeth to get answers out of people with more knowledge than you. Come to find out they were going off a verse in the Torah that said not to judge others on how they keep Torah. How they live their lives and such. This is a good verse... I like this verse, but when you are wanting to be TAUGHT Torah it hinders you a bit!!!
Anyway, weeks pass after a very stressful vacation that I shall not share and Chad and I continued in our normal pattern. Texting about every week and a half or so. Slowly it became about every Monday morning, I think. Usually it was just “Good morning. How are you?” Or if it was later in the day “How was your day?” And he was getting better about the complementing thing. Not acting as if I had done something wrong and giving me the cold shoulder for a few days. Maybe he was finally maturing? Who knows?
Our relationship appeared to be getting better. He seemed to be getting more used to talking to me. It seemed easier, more effortless. I still didn't bring attention to the things that bothered me that he would say about Christians or woman. Or the fact that that it seemed that all we ended up talking about on the phone were his ex's and his problems with them. I thought it would be rude and I didn't want it to look like I was jealous or something, even though he always told me to tell him if he ever offended me. I always told him I would. I was lying and I knew it, but it was an attempt to keep the peace. Something Jess continues to tell me is a family trait-- almost to a fault on my mothers side... And... Well... She's right... Damn it...
I'm starting to find Jessica is more right about things than I usually gave her credit for. I forget that she knows me better than anyone else. I can't lie to her. She always sees right through me. And she's gotten better about calling me out on it. Especially things I'm in denial about... We've reversed. It used to be the other way around... What's happened to my life? Geez. It's all backwards.
So, one Sunday night I called Chad about a Bible question and he sounded weird. Stressed. As if his thoughts were strained on an uncomfortable subject. He answered it as quickly as he could before getting off the phone. Something was wrong. Whether or not I'd ever find out what, I didn't know? Though I was certain it wasn't my business. I decided not to ask.
I think it was Thursday when he called. He still had that odd tinge to his voice. It didn't take long for him to tell me what was wrong. I didn't ask. He just offered. Apparently he'd gone to Debbie's college graduation; I knew he was still friends with her. And after the graduation they all went to her house (her parents house) to continue the celebration. Her mother was the bar tended and Chad claimed he didn't know he had drunk as much vodka as he had and said somethings he shouldn't have said; or wouldn't have said otherwise.
Reluctantly I asked what exactly he'd said. I knew I didn't want to know. I could only guess too rightly what I was about to hear.
He said he'd told her he was still in love with her and all things that went with it. And she, of course, was all for that. She still loved him, too.
Suddenly I felt numb. I didn't want hear this.
But, I had to say something. I managed to croak out an, “Oh.” Thankfully it didn't take more than that to get him talking again, giving me the rundown of what had happened, also giving me a chance to compose myself and find my voice. As he spoke I forced myself into professional mode, removing myself from my emotions as much as possible.
He had said that he really wasn't in love with her anymore, but he still did love her and always would in a way. I shook my head, though he couldn't see, and said, “No. Usually people speak the truth when their drunk.... Usually... You are still in love with her.”
To that he replied that that wasn't true and he wasn't drunk he was only buzzed. It didn't make any difference. What was said was said. He continued to go over the conversation he'd had with her on his long drive back to Arkansas on Sunday, where he lived at the time. He concluded-- sounding worn and uncertain-- that there were too many key differences between them religiously as to how they should live their lives as a married couple.
I was grateful to finally get off the phone with him. I plugged my phone in the charger and laid down as the numbness overcame me. I felt nothing and I wondered why? We were nothing more than friends and I knew that. It shouldn't make any difference to me what he does with his life.
The next morning I got ready for work in a daze. I talked to Jess on the way to work and filled her in on my conversation from the night before without inflection. It wasn't until after Trish had gone to work and I was standing in the kitchen and all the sudden I found myself crying. I didn't understand what I was crying about? Yes, I was in a mood, but usually don't cry when that happens. Especially when I'm at work or in public.
This went on for a long time. I tried to pull back the tears, but with little success. Finally I texted Jess and told her that I was all weepy that morning for some reason and I didn't understand why? It wasn't logical for me to do so. She told me it was because I was in love with him and I was in denial and so was he for that matter. I shook my head and said, “He loves her, not me.” New tears came... Crap. She was right. Well, almost right. I don't think I was really “in love with him” but I obviously allowed myself to care about him more deeply than I had intended... WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?
It was then that I realized that I had started to trust him-- and “like” him--- without my conscious permission. My heart sunk further.
The day progressed in much the same fashion. I did manage to adequately pull myself together when Trish came in that day, which thankfully wasn't that much. I felt numb for a few days until I forced myself to not think about it.
This sort of thing was not uncommon, I told myself. For me, anyway. I was doomed to always be alone and I knew that. I'd accepted that long ago. So why did this hurt so much?
I became angry with myself for accidentally becoming on of “those girls.” The ones that falls for a guy that doesn't want her. I didn't want to end up trying embarrassingly to convincing myself that he wanted me too, but that he just didn't know it. They either do or they don't. That's how I've always seen it. I tried to hide behind logic, to remove myself from the situation under the guise of intelligence. That I was above being controlled by unruly emotions... But, that didn't help the aching in my chest.
Why wasn't it working? It always had before, with one exception. Of course that was due to the fact that we were young, he was wishy-washy, and I justed needed someone to want me. My life, at the time, was falling apart and every solid relationship with my family was dissolving. Years later when I realized what was going on I resolved to never let myself fall prey to my emotions again. And until now, I hadn't.
Chad, of course, was none-the-wiser to my bout of depression. We didn't speak often enough for him to hear the change in my voice. The hesitation as I thought carefully of what I was about to say so not to give anyone the opportunity to see truth between the lines... Or lies/self-denial/half-truths. Whatever you wan to call them.
So, after a few weeks I was aware that I had developed feelings for someone who was in love with someone else, completely not a possibility. I resolved to put on my third-party acquaintance face and leave it there. Not just put it on, but solder it on, weld it, nail it, screw it, hot glue it! Whatever it took. I was not going to make a fool of myself! Of that, I was determined.
Days, weeks passed... I'm not sure how long but August had rolled around. Chad had started calling more frequently in the last month and a half, which shocked me, but irritatingly (at myself) always brightened my day... even though the conversation always turned to his ex-girlfriends and his problems with them-- especially Debbie. It had been at least a year since they had broken up.
Most of the time he just griped about Debbie and explained what he was looking for verses what she was and had claimed to be when he'd first met her. He was working through things and I understood that. I've DONE that. Jess has heard years of it from me about one particular guy that turned me off to the whole possibility of true love. I had virtually resigned myself to a single life of abstinence (I was and still am abstinent, but this was dooming to that fate forever) after trying now and again to force myself to date guys I knew weren't right for me, but seemed the best option available.
But in the last month he had seemed to be getting better about his griping. Like he was making an effort to either get over her or just trying not to hurt my feelings, which I'm sure he was confused about. Things like this I try not to let show-- thanks in large part to Dad and the one guy I only talk to Jess about.
So it was Wednesday or Thursday when he called. My birthday was in a week... Things always seem to go dramatically wrong around my birthday and this was no exception. He was happy and normal and I was glad. And, of course, the conversation slowly shifted to Debbie. With a resigned sigh I settled in for a long conversation that we'd had a million times, me giving my advise or a womans opinion here and there at various intervals. But then his intent shifted from referring to his “ex's” to “all woman”... Whether he realizes it or not I am a woman. I am included in the accusations and assumptions he was hurling at the female race. I tried to correct him several times, letting him know that ALL woman are not this way, but that he was up set right now and that was clouding his view. Surfacely he would agree enough to brush my words away. I would grimace though he couldn't see me.
He assumed, I'm sure, that I should know by now that I was, OF COURSE *roll my eyes*, the exception to every negative thing he said. He would always hint at something when he spoke, a double meaning, nudging me that he was still interested in me all the while listing what he was looking for... all the things I was not and could not be... He seemed to imply a lot that he saw me in a different way or that I was headed in the right direction for him. Yet he still constantly said things that were contrary to his insinuations. I had no choice but to believe the latter was the truth. That was safer... less chance of damaging my easily broken heart. It had never really healed, not properly at least. Ever since... never mind.
Now the fact that what he was saying to me that night would've offended me on a normal day made things even worse by the other fact that I had recently started taking birth control, putting my hormones and everything back in order. (About three months before I had seriously thought I was dying only to find out that I had had a ovarian cyst rupture. I can still remember the sharp knife-like feeling as I doubled over then fell on my floor. Then the swirling sensation of my abdomen filling with blood then harden as my body resisted everything happening to it. It wasn't the first time this has happened, but every time it did it just got worse and worse. I just never knew what it was. They prescribed birth control to stop it from happening again, and so far its worked.) Every “normal” side effect that goes along with having a menstrual cycle suddenly reared its ugly head. Something I've never had to deal with before. I'd always been so out of whack that I could go for months with out having a monthly problem, and when I did, I didn't have mood swings or chocolate cravings or cramps. None of it. Now it had been building up in my system for at least three months and here come the PMS symptoms. And at just the wrong time, too.
I kept my voice as even and as indifferent as possible, but that didn't change the fact the torrent of chaotic emotions was wreaking havoc on my insides. He was pushing himself more into the belief that “ALL woman were manipulative lairs, especially the one that claimed to be interested in him in a romantic nature.” I knew he knew-- on some level-- that I still had feelings for him. How deep? I didn't know myself so how could he? But, in my mind there was no two ways around it. He was pushing me away. Subtly or subconsciously telling me to back off so not to have to directly hurt my feelings. He wasn't interested and didn't want to lead me on even though the insinuations would undoubtedly continue... just like … never mind.
What had I done, I wondered, to be treated this way? I had bent over backwards so I wouldn't appear overly eager in any direction. I fervently did not want to be looked upon as desperate or clingy. But that's exactly how he was making me feel. I was furious.
Part of my mind wondered if I was reading too much into it, but it couldn't overtake the other part that fumed. As always, per my raising, I was polite when we hung up. It had been ingrained in me as far back as I can remember not to let those you bother you or hurt you see what they've done. And most of the time I really don't care what people think or say. But, the few that do...
It was nearly midnight when we hung up and I still needed to shower before I went to bed. I plugged my phone in the charger and headed to the bathroom gritting my teeth and muttering curses and slurs under my breath. “Who the hell does he think he is! ASS!!!” Many other colorful things came out of my mouth that night, but none I wish to write down. Its bad enough my dog had to hear them.
When I got out of the shower there was a text on my cell from him saying he was sorry for the direction the conversation had gone. And to let him know if he was ever “not careful with my feelings.” Its a little a late for that pal!... Jerk.
I didn't reply immediately. I was still too mad. I was afraid of what I might say. That I'd make things worse and create a problem when all I really wanted was to sweep it under the rug and forget it ever happened. But-- I wasn't myself as much as I fought for control over my emotions.
I texted him back before I went to bed. I ignored the last part-- didn't respond to it anyway-- but I did say something to the effect of “I understand you're working through stuff right now. I spent years where you are. Something similar happened to me and I very nearly didn't recover... But I'm sorry you see us that way.” US, including myself in the general “woman” he'd bitched about and called untrustworthy liars that you couldn't believe a word that came out of their mouths. It almost felt as if every time he used the word “woman” or “they” he could've easily replaced with “Crystal” or “You.”
His response came after I'd gone to bed, dosed with sleep medication. I didn't look at it until the morning. I was too annoyed and not coherent enough to see the screen. It said, “Not all just some.”
I had hoped that my anger would have faded over the course of the night. That maybe my reaction to everything he'd said was due to the fact that I was tired and that it would make better sense in the morning. No such luck. I was still pissed.
And when I am angry I speak clearly, calmly, but I also forget that my words cut. Several people have told me that whether I intend it or not I know the perfect thing to say to cut you off at the knees. Low blow or not. As if I'd slapped them across the face. A lot of times its calculated on my part, contingency plans designed to protect myself stored safely in the back of my mind should I need them. But, this... this was not one of those times. This was my subconscious lashing out at someone who had hurt me.
I knew I should've just let it go. Not respond to his last text but something in me just couldn't. This was about 7 AM after I woke up. The texting conversation went on as I got ready and drove to work. I thought I was being logical and even about it, for that is how I speak and think, not a hard inflection in my tone. Just facts. But I forget that text doesn't work that way. It wasn't until I was at work talking to my boss and I got another text that said, “Wow. Have I angered you?” that I realized what had happened. I went back and looked at my sent messages and saw what he saw if he hadn't heard me speaking in my clear professional tone I used when I'm upset and trying to hide it.
The last thing I had put was: “I do not argue with those who do not listen. It is a wasted breath.” Which is true, he didn't listen. He picked and chose what he heard. Thats why most of our conversations over the past year revolved around him or the Bible. He never investigated me. Never tried to dig deeper like all other true friends of mine had done. Try to figure out why I am the way I am. How did I get here? Why I react the way I do?
After my boss went to work and it was just me and the kids I sat down and tried to explain, now that he'd finally figured out I was mad, what the problem was. The texts continued. It wasn't until about three replies later that I realized how upset I was. I clicked the button to reply and the blank screen came up and I started pushing buttons, but I couldn't see it properly. Like they were fussy, the letters blurring. At first I thought that my phone was glitching or something, then I looked at my hand holding the phone to see it was shaking violently. I assessed myself. My whole body was shaking. I felt weak... When had I started crying?
I wiped my face, but it didn't help. Though I was trying very hard to keep it together in front of the kids, not wanting to up set them, the tears flowed harder.
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